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Original poster

Sis not coming on Xmas day but hasn't told anyone

22 replies

Singlein2020 · 24/12/2019 16:06

I am home to my folks with my kids for Xmas. We live in another country and all of us were so excited about getting back to be with everyone. Christmas is a big deal in our family and we all put effort into small things and traditions. My 3 siblings are always home too. My sister lives about 3 minutes walk away and my brother's have also travelled a distance.

My dad is terminally ill and we know this is his last Xmas. He has been v I'll recently and we didn't think he would make it so it is a happy but sad time too.

My sister told my 12 yr old last night that she would not be coming on Xmas day. This has never happened. My eldest was v quiet and upset last night but didn't say why. I put it down to tiredness and the end of a virus. She has just broken down crying and told me that my sis told her not to tell anyone else as they don't know. I certainly didn't. My dd loves my sis and they have been v close. They have their own wee traditions on Xmas day and DD was looking forward to them, as always.

A bit off backstory. My bil had an affair last year with a woman at his work. It went on for months before she found out. my sister was v ill thinking she was losing her mind with small things he had done raising suspicions - he had been lying and gaslighting her as well as totally eroding her confidence. She confided alot in me and I was so hurt for her over everything he had done. She didn't tell my parents all of it as she knew it would really upset them and also kept alot from our brothers as she knew they would be angry with her husband.
As a family we rallied around her and gave as much support as we could. He begged her back and said he would change and she went back. None of us judged her - all saying that it was her choice and she should do whatever she thought was best for her. My parents also said that bil was still welcome in home and we all had to make it easier for my sis by not saying anything about what bil had done.
Since then he has never once visited my family - totally blanking them each time he sees them. He is a nurse in the hospital where my dad has been in and out of for years with his condition. Before the affair, bil would visit every day. No more.
They have been really hurt and confused.

I am.in an awkward position as the rest of the family assume she will be there tomorrow at some stage. I think it was really unfair of my sis to tell my daughter first.

I have tried to call my sis but she didn't answer. I messaged her saying "hey sis, give me a call when you get a chance?". No response.

Should I tell the rest of the family or just leave it until tomorrow??

OP posts:
Original poster
Singlein2020 · 24/12/2019 16:20

Also, yesterday my dad and i were talking and he said that all he wanted this year was his family together on Xmas day and he was so happy that we were all home. ( My eldest brother didn't know at one stage if he could make it, which would have been the first year any of the siblings weren't there) He will be so upset tomorrow if he doesn't see her.
My mum will be gutted too as she has been really emotional about it being our last Xmas with dad.

This will be a bolt out of the blue as I know they would not expect it and she has given no indication that she wouldn't be coming. She said Bil was going to his parents again this year.

OP posts:
werekitty · 24/12/2019 16:22

That's really unfair of your sister to tell your daughter and put the onus on her.

I would tell them now so at least they can be upset now but come to terms with it and get used to the idea.

Keepmewarm · 24/12/2019 16:26

It was cruel of her to put this on your dd.

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Pogmella · 24/12/2019 16:28

It sounds like she’s had an incredibly difficult year. Christmas is hard if you feel your life doesn’t fit your idea of the perfect mould. Traditions are hard if someone’s done something like your BIL (Thinking stuff like: Last year when we did this I was the person who didn’t know about OW).

I guess if your dad is sad that’s between him and her but I’d be inclined to take the pressure right off her. Maybe remind her you love her and if she wants to drop in for half an hour and slip away that’s cool if that’s all she can hack this year?

She probably feels pretty lonely if you’re all coupled up happily (huge assumption on my part)

greenlynx · 24/12/2019 16:35

I would presume that something happened and would go to see her, if it’s only 3 minutes.

AppleKatie · 24/12/2019 16:45

I would assume her DP is putting pressure on her in some way.

Tell your parents today so it’s not a shock tomorrow. Try and express your concern for your DSIS and keep the lines of communication open.

Mlou32 · 24/12/2019 16:46

Is it maybe coming from BIL? He's too ashamed/embarrassed to face the family so he's persuaded her not to come? Perhaps send him a quick message just to say something along the lines of 'I know there has been stuff happen in the past but Dad is really ill and it may be his last Christmas. He would be really happy to see you, as would the rest of the family and we would like to see you on Christmas day. Hope you can make it along'. It might break the ice a little and make him feel a wee bit less awkward about coming along?

TheChosenTwo · 24/12/2019 16:48

I’ve been beaten to it but I’ll say it anyway, If she’s only 3 minutes away go round there and knock on the door!

TSSDNCOP · 24/12/2019 16:53

Aside from asking a child to keep a secret, which she shouldn’t have, it sounds like your Sister is having a very difficult time. Go to her as she’s so close. Don’t make her come if she can’t.

Original poster
Singlein2020 · 24/12/2019 18:20

I have been to her house but there is no reply to the door, that is why I called and messaged. I have put a note through her door saying I wanted to see if she is ok.
No responses to initial text and don't want to hound her.

Pogmella - none of us siblings have partners here so it is far from coupley.

BIL has been messaged directly a few weeks ago to say he was welcome but he never responded. There is a pile of pressies for him. Sis said he was going to his families, the same as last year. He had been to ours every other Xmas since they met as he said he hated his folks and preferred ours at Xmas.

I haven't said anything to anyone else as yet until I see if I can speak to her. They are all talking about tomorrow and i sat with a lump in my throat when dad joked about getting a final xmas family photo of us all. He has really tried to keep going to be well enough to be at home and not in hospital. It means so much to him. I think it will v hard and confusing for him.

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 24/12/2019 19:08

Do you have the contact number for BIL’s parents OP? Could you ring just to see that she’s there?

Meanwhile, difficult as it is I think you’re going to have to break the news and slap on your game face.

DangerMouse17 · 24/12/2019 19:22

Well BIL sounds like an abusive c u next Tuesday. If he was gaslighting her etc before, then he is still manipulating and abusing her now, stopping her from being with you on xmas day. With your dad so unwell it's even more cruel of the BIL to so this.

Keep going round and knocking. Text BIL and call him out.

What a difficult situation Xmas Sad

LonginesPrime · 24/12/2019 19:30

Sounds like the BIL is finding his affair too difficult to reconcile with his relationship with your family.

I agree with PPs that he's likely putting pressure on her to avoid his having to confront his past actions by spending time with your family.

DSis has forgiven him so it's more comfortable for him to hang with her than with people who can see him as the gaslighting cheater he is.

Pogmella · 24/12/2019 19:37

@Singlein2020 sorry I hadn’t seen your username (which would be a harsh one if you were spending xmas 2019 with your DH!)

I got cheated on and I was pretty dented for a long time. I wasn’t thinking hugely rationally and did worry I was judged by everyone. It could well be BIL pressuring, it might also be her trying to deal with one thing at a time, or both.

I also think you should keep trying the door. What a sad Christmas for her Sad

PicsInRed · 24/12/2019 20:03

She's being abused and controlled.

My guess is that she told DD12 so as not to "stand her up", rather than to lean on a child (though that's just my guess). She hasn't told the adults as she simply can't face you - it's the shame of being abused and the fear of having to explain the horrid and inexplicable in a way which makes it "ok" to a "normal" person who is an outsider to the marriage. It can feel easier, as an abused woman, to simply withdraw into the abuse.

I don't think this has been an active "choice" on sister's part and I would ensure that you don't allow that bastard husband of her isolate her from your supportive family.

Let me be clear: that is his very focused goal.

Original poster
Singlein2020 · 24/12/2019 22:06

I got a text from dsis saying "I am fine but v tired and going to bed early." Nothing else.

I have just got my kids settled into bed and going to tell the rest of my family now. They are all chatting and laughing over old photo albums. They were wondering earlier where dsis was as she would always be with us on Xmas Eve. They have texted her but no reply.

I am thinking something else is going on. I don't think this is entirely her choice - it is so unusual and not at all like her. She is always very into Xmas.

Pogmella - dp and I are in the process of splitting up. Amicably and without aggro but it is still sad in many ways. He is actually joining us on Friday as he is working over Xmas but wants to see my mum and dad. We are a really close family.

OP posts:
Pogmella · 25/12/2019 14:26

@Singlein2020 sorry I’ve put my foot firmly in my mouth there. Hope your family has a peaceful day and you get some time with your sister.

Rachelfromfriends1 · 25/12/2019 14:32

She sounds really overwhelmed with everything

I wouldn’t bombard her with texts/calls/visits anymore - think about it, the rest of your family are probably trying to contact her too. Just send her a text saying you love her/you’re here if she wants to talk and leave it

EvaHarknessRose · 25/12/2019 14:37

Tell your folks you think she is having a hard time but you don't exactly know what - a close family can weather this. Just try to jointly send her a loving message x

Original poster
Singlein2020 · 25/12/2019 22:21

Sis never came along.

My folks were upset as expected but in a hurt confused.way as this is so so unlike her. No-one was angry but my brother's were worried she will regret not being here. We agreed not to hound her and I texted her to say we loved her, were worried about her and it would be great to see her for any time at all. She never responded.

We just got on with it for the sake of the kids. Some tears and away from them - more about my dad.

I have texted her to say that I would love a chance for a coffee before the kids dad arrive on Friday.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 25/12/2019 22:25

Maybe he made her choose...
Sadly her going back prob wasn't the best idea.

IggyAce · 27/12/2019 07:44

OP I’m so sorry and yes I agree with your brothers she may regret not coming.

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