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Should I tell her?

23 replies

BonfireStarter · 24/12/2019 09:28

I was seeing someone casually for about a year. We were both quite happy, both free to date others and both said we were single. Unexpectedly we ended up getting very close, presumably because we saw each other a lot.

Then unexpectedly one day in the summer he left and said he was going to be with his ex partner. Except when I did some searching on social media it turned out he had given me a fake name and he was with her but working away the whole time I knew him.

From that moment I stopped speaking to him, moved on, decided I wanted a proper boyfriend which I have now. So all good and resolved for me.

However, I'm a bit bothered for his poor partner. I was shocked when I saw photos of them together at weddings, holidays etc. all at times when he would have been seeing me on other days. Hes obviously very good at lying and cheating! I feel sorry for this woman and wish she realised what he is really like before she gives him more time - he is living in her city flat now, with her children etc. He may well be a cocklodger.

I dont want repercussions for me if I were to make contact with her, who knows how he would react and I know it isnt really my problem. She looks like a really nice person though and I know im not to only one he cheated with (as I say, wasnt an issue to me as I thought we were both single and I was dating others too). Would you want to know if you were her?

OP posts:
BonfireStarter · 24/12/2019 09:30

Or is it better that she just has no knowledge of his cheating and hopefully he wont again?

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 24/12/2019 09:31

I would leave it

BonfireStarter · 24/12/2019 09:36

Thank you. That's what I was hoping....

OP posts:

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ISmellBabies · 24/12/2019 09:37

Definitely tell her. She's got kids to think of. He shouldn't be cocklodging in with her family. I hope you got an std check and she needs one too. You will not be the only one. Tell her and send proof.

BonfireStarter · 24/12/2019 09:43

@ISmellBabies yes I'm all clear. My concern about telling her is that it could have repercussions on me...I know that's selfish. I feel really sorry for her as well though.

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Singlenotsingle · 24/12/2019 09:46

Not your circus...leave it. She'll find out soon enough.

ISmellBabies · 24/12/2019 09:51

What sort of repercussions for telling the truth? Yes she'll find out eventually, but in the meantime she could fall pregnant to this arsehole, waste all her youth on the guy, waste all of her memories of her kids' childhoods having this loser around cocklodging the whole time. He's wasting her life, you can save her from that. We only get one life. It's not right to let him waste hers.

BonfireStarter · 24/12/2019 10:13

Repercussions I guess would be that he may be pretty angry that he has been exposed, maybe he would contact me aggressively (I have no reason to believe he could do anything really bad) so my dilemma is that I'm happy and not my problem, but I feel sorry for this woman.

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MegaClutterSlut · 24/12/2019 10:38

Put yourself in her position, would you want to know? If yes then I would tell her. I would definitely want to know what an arsehole I was with

Alexandra80 · 24/12/2019 10:40

Wtf. It's better that you get a shitty message that you can ignore than her live with him not knowing he's a piece of shit Hmm have some empathy

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 24/12/2019 10:42

Except when I did some searching on social media it turned out he had given me a fake name and he was with her but working away the whole time I knew him.

Why did you do that? Seriously, why? Is this what you were hoping for? To catch him out? Why do that? It's done, it's gone, it's over.

yellowallpaper · 24/12/2019 11:35

Totally agree to leave it, block him and stop internet searching him.

If you tell her, he is blunt to find out it was you and could do some pretty nasty stuff online which may cause trouble in your new relationship.

CrispPacket · 24/12/2019 11:41

I was in the same situation a few years ago- turned out he was married. Even brought his young child out for dinner with us one evening. I decided not to say anything- I'm sure she'll find out if he carries on or must know. But I think I would like to know if it was me so it was a bit of a tricky decision.

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 24/12/2019 11:54

I would tell her because I would want to know. Tough choice though and I think it's a personal decision.

As for pp talking about you looking him up on social media, I don't think that's unusual to look someone up that you knew/know. It doesn't instantly make you a drama llama stalking psycho. Just curious!

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 24/12/2019 11:56

I will add that a friend of mine recently found out her husband has had a 12 month affair. Turns out lots of people knew this including some of her other friends and the betrayal and humiliation of everyone knowing is hurting her as much as the actual affair. Food for thought?

OhMyDarling · 24/12/2019 11:57

Tell her.

Divebar · 24/12/2019 12:34

Well if you do tell her leave it until the New Year... please don’t do it now.

LuckyAmy1986 · 24/12/2019 12:50

I would tell her, I would want to know. After the holidays though.

thebakerwithboobs · 24/12/2019 12:52

I wouldn't tell her personally. It might be that he realised that he wanted a life with his family and saw the error of his ways-why put a bomb under that? If not and he's a wretch he will get caught eventually. Not your mess.

BonfireStarter · 24/12/2019 13:00

@thebakerwithboobs his partner has children but not with him, she is divorced too. I definitely wouldn't say anything atm as dont want anyones Christmas spoiled. I doubt hes changed his ways, I know he would have been happy to keep seeing me for example but I declined as now I know he has a relationship, out of respect for her and I lost respect for him and all interest when I saw his true colours.

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elmosducks · 24/12/2019 13:01

Ugh, what a pig. I would want to know, personally

Butterflyflower1234 · 24/12/2019 13:07

The likelihood is that she is aware of his extra curricular activities however lets it slide for an easy life.

If you go and tell her, it's only you that will 'benefit' from telling her. Why do you truly want to tell her?

I often find women are a little scorned and you probably dislike the fact you were always just a bit on the side. Get over it. You said you've met someone else, how will they feel when the shit hits the fan?! Because it certainly will.

LizB62A · 24/12/2019 16:19

The likelihood is that she is aware of his extra curricular activities

In my experience the person being cheated on rarely knows until something happens to expose the cheater .....

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