I've turned into a miserable, negative person

[Pennyandthejets]

I don't feel like I can tell anyone irl. To be fair it's probably quite obvious. I think I just want a hand hold. If anyone's ever managed to come back from this, I'd love to hear about how.

I suppose I've never been an amazingly outgoing, positive person. I've suffered from anxiety and depression on and off my whole adult life, but I definately was never this negative in my early/mid twenties. I'm now in my 30s and I've had a light bulb moment... I'm awful. I have slowly over the last few years become less and less sociable and more closed up. I don't go out, I don't make new friends (although I think I'd really like to), I have a lot of anxiety and I just can't cope in social settings. I feel like I'm boring people as I honestly have nothing to say, I don't laugh when other people laugh and I don't do small talk. In my mind, I'm just always thinking other people are hating on me or wishing I wasn't there. It's the same reason I've lost the few friends I had... I've just drawn away over the last few years. And now I'm here, and I don't know who I am or how to even laugh anymore.

I don't want to be miserable but I don't see how I can change things. It feels like a mammoth task that I can't achieve. I want to be happy and social and not let past hurts affect me like they have done. My dad was a miserable and angry man. I feel as though I'm turning into him.

I've been there. You're in a rut. Is moving away, and reinventing yourself in the process, at all feasible?

My dad was angry and miserable for a long time. Work stress, took it out on the rest of us. He's mellowed in retirement but IMO would be better still if he had a hobby other than watching crap on the TV. I'm better when I focus on hobbies, too.

Hello! It's great that you've noticed this tendency in yourself. I think it is possible to change, with some work. How is your life otherwise? Are there areas you could improve which would then make you happier generally?

What I did was lost the weight that had crept on after 3 DCs, joined a forum devoted to a niche hobby, decided to write a book (and then changed my mind when I realised how much it would cost to research it!) and saved up to buy a very cheap house abroad. My life is still work in progress but I'm happier now.

I suppose the point is, immerse yourself in projects which take you out of your own head. Some introspection is good, too much isn't. Not while you're in that rut of self-hatred, anyway.

I've been through something similar twice. The first time, I was actually very depressed and had no idea. I barely knew what depression was back then. The second time, I was on the pill. It took me a long time (years) to connect my mood with my contraceptive pill. I finally realised, tried a few different types and found my mood was negatively effected by them all and stopped it all together. I'm just bringing that up in case of the, maybe unlikely, possibility that it could be this for you.

Whatever it is, you've noticed. And that in my experience really is the first step to change. The next time I realised my mood was starting to turn negative again and that I was probably going back into depression, I actively looked for ways to change my mood. For me it was reading books and watching light hearted things. Then I started drawing and doing puzzles and eventually took up some volunteer work. Slow steps but it helped me find things I enjoyed and gave me more to talk about (it's hard to talk to people when you've got nothing to say which is how I felt) as well as making me feel more positive in general.

Thank you for replying 😊.

Unfortunately I can't move away at least at the moment Charlotte. Life on paper is good, I should be making more of it but my negative perception is completely tainting it. I have a lovely partner, a good job and I'm also studying. But every day in work is a nightmare in which I am overthinking every interaction I have and constantly feeling inadequate and as though I'm underperforming (even though I've been told I'm not).

I do often think I'm just a horrible person and I have a victim mentality. I want to be better and do better but I feel so stuck.

I do think it could be depression Harriet but then I'm not sure. I talk myself out of that and tell myself I'm attention seeking/making it up. I appreciate I sound like I have a split personality here, I just have such an overwhelmingly negative voice in my head.

I actually went to the doctors last week. I've been having suicidal thoughts for a few months, and I know it might sound stupid but I'm so used to them coming and going and this just being me that I left it for a while. The doctor was no help and didn't suggest anything other than medication, despite telling him I didn't want medication. I've had a few in the past and found the paranoia, sleepiness, sweating, zombie like state even worse..

It's a tough one if your life is objectively pretty good, but you don't feel good. Is there anything that does make you feel good about yourself or which at least takes your mind off negative thoughts? Perhaps somebody on here can recommend a therapeutic solution which doesn't cost the earth. Kudos to you for not taking the easy ways out such as running away or taking zombifying meds.