Need inspiring quote about a person's value not being about their achievements

[AlexaShutUp]

My mum is an intelligent, talented and generous woman who has spent her life giving to her family, to neighbours and to our wider society. Sadly, she feels that she wasted her talent and potential by giving up her career to become a SAHM. She never found the confidence to return.

She feels that she has wasted her time and done nothing with her life. No matter what anyone says to her, she cannot entertain any alternative perspectives. As she gets older, these feelings of regret seem to be consuming her.

I'm working on a gift to try and reflect the value that she has in our lives, but I really need a quote that says something along the lines of us being so much more than the sum of our achievements in life.

Can anyone suggest a lovely quote for my lovely mum, please?

pinecone a mix of: going freelance in an area related to what they were doing already, but being able to specialise in something in particular; moving out of consultancy into industry or vice versa; doing a masters in urban planning and using transferable skills in a totally different sector; ditto but with a masters in psychology; psychotherapy (vast majority of trainees are on a second career, lots of places won’t let you train until you’ve acquired a fair amount of life experience); teaching; someone I worked with became a vicar in her forties; property development (but that s been enabled by family circumstances, so not typical); psychology degree with OU - not sure what she will do with it yet.

It would be easier to make a list of things you can’t start at 40. Most of us will work until we are 70.

The real barrier isn’t the area of work, but the cost of retraining.

Lots of people retrain in their 40’s.
I know people who have career changed to counselling, running coach and teaching and taken on a franchise. I also know someone who trained as a chiropodist in their mid 30’s.
It helps if you’ve got some passion and experience in those areas, then some money or a loan and some drive.

But those people don’t appear to be starting from scratch unless I’ve misunderstood lido

Listen to her rather than smothering her with quotes.
It might be too late for a career but its not too late to fulfil some potential or get a sense of purpose.
What did she want to do / be? Go from there.

Op how old is your mother and what was her career?
Is it something she can update her training to do?

pinecone some of them no. Some of them relied on transferable skills but in a totally different area. Some were from scratch - psychotherapist, vicar, teacher, the one doing the psychology degree, and a PP reminded me I know someone who did medicine too.

There are very few things you can’t start from scratch at 40, if you’ve got the money to train - I can’t think of any off the top of my head, aside from things which rely on a talent like musician or sportsperson.

I agree with pp, I would find this rather depressing and a bit patronising.

Some of these quotes "she touched so many people's lives" for example, are something you hear at a funeral.

Do something that shows you love and appreciate her without smothering her in quotes?

I feel exactly how your mum does. I’ve given up/ lost 2 careers putting my family first rather than follow my dreams.
I love all the quotes above and thinking that sort of way helps me immensely. I also think it’s lovely of you to recognise her sacrifice and reflect that worth isn’t measured by achievement.
I think it’s a lovely idea OP.

Never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world. For, indeed, that’s all who ever have.
Margaret Mead

my favourite one is
a woman with a beautiful face is beautiful for a while
a woman with a beautiful mind is beautiful forever

Thank you so much for all of your comments. I completely understand what some of you are saying, and I appreciate where you're coming from, but I would respectfully point out that you don't know my mum, nor do you know the nature of what our relationship has been like over the years, so I don't think you're necessarily best placed to know what might help her.

She is in her late 70s now, so practical help to "get back out there" is no longer particularly relevant. Believe me, I spent 20 years trying that tack and it didn't work.

I have also spent the best part of 30 years listening to how she feels and supporting her through various mental health challenges. I have never denied the validity of how she feels, nor have I tried to gloss over it. However, I do think that there is merit in helping her to get things back in perspective because her current focus on her regrets is getting in the way of her enjoying the here and now.

I agree with the person who said that she needs a purpose, and I have tried to facilitate that in different ways - suggesting voluntary activities, encouraging her to write etc. She resists all such attempts because she thinks she has nothing to offer and she believes that she has left it too late. Of course, I have tried to persuade her otherwise, but it doesn't work.

Another person said that quotes like this sound like the kind of thing you would say at a funeral. I take that point on board, but I have always felt rather sad that people wait until funerals to say what they really feel about their loved ones. I want to say those things now, while she is still alive to benefit from them.

I do get the fact that some people would not wish to receive a gift with quotes of this nature, and I respect that point of view, but we're all different. In light of the many conversations that I have had with my mum on this subject, I believe that some apt quotes might help to support a paradigm shift that would enable her to reframe some of her regrets and evaluate her life differently. Of course, it won't take away the opportunities that she has lost, but if it can help her even a little to stop feeling like a total failure, then it would be worthwhile.

Thank you to all who have provided both thoughts and quotes, and please keep the quotes coming!

Howmanysleepsnow thank you.

I think given all that it is a lovely idea Sorry I don’t have a quote to contribute.

Yes fair enough Alexa If you think your idea is something that will be well received by your mum then that's what matters. What have you decided to do with the quotes?

It is fairly common for women of your mum's generation to feel like she does. They've essentially given up their ambitions(?) career and so on to take on the role of stay at home mum/care giver and certainly when the children have their own lives, their role becomes redundant to an extent.

Perhaps your mum just likes to offload on you and just wants a bit of sympathy and recognition. Please don't feel you are responsible for your mum's happiness though Alexa You sound like a kind thoughtful daughter whatever you give her for Christmas

I know you asked for quotes but have a look at the book 5 people you meet in heaven. Sums up how everyone touches other peoples lives

Not sure if any of these are what you are looking for:

"The love of family and admiration of friends is much more important than wealth and privilege"

"Never regret your yesterday, life is in you today and you make your tomorrow"

"Never regret something that once made you happy"

Thanks for your update Alexa, of course you know her best, and if your experience suggests it might help then it’s worth a try. It sounds like you’ve put a lot of effort in over the years to trying to help her feel better If this doesn’t work then she might benefit from talking to someone where she can be as angry and bitter and hopeless as she needs to be until she can accept what she has lost. It’s the acceptance that usually makes room for other feelings, rather than somehow turning the feelings around.

Re the funeral comment, I agree it’s a shame to wait until someone does to tell them what they mean to you. If that’s the sort of thing you want to do, it might be more personal if you were able to collect messages from you and any siblings, plus other people she’s impacted in the community, as well as other quotes that you think might offer some kind of external validation? Also perhaps some quotes about how valuable older people can be, so it’s about now as well as the past?

Can I second the recommendation for the book 5 People You Meet in Heaven? It hits exactly the right note.

@AlexaShutUp did you give the gift yet? How was it received?

Howmanysleepsnow it's one I recommend a lot - especially when people think that they are insignificant somehow.

Marking place.

Your mother sounds like a wonderful, amazing woman @AlexaShutUp