How can we help DD learn to annoy people less

[Belleende]

We have DD1 aged 4. She is a bundle of energy. Doesn't stop from when she gets up until she goes to sleep. She is funny, curious and has an indomitable spirit that I hope will serve her well. I love the bones off her.

However, she can be really annoying. I know all 4 year olds can be a pain in the arse, but she just gets in people's faces constantly, and doesn't learn when they react accordingly. I worry it will affect her ability to make and keep friends.

If one of us is just sitting having a cuppa, she will be poking and prodding at us. If she sits on our lap, she will always do something like smush her face right into mine, or try and stick her fingers in my mouth, or climb all over me.

Every time she does this, I lift her off and explain I don't like it and why. On the rare occasions she is less irritating I always recognise it and tell her that I am really enjoying it and why. We have been doing this consistently for months but she just doesn't seem to get it. Her two year old sister has more cop on.

We have used some of the techniques in how to talk so little kids listen. These worked really well for things like settling disputes, or getting her to go to bed, brush teeth etc, but had zero impact on her being annoying.

I now feel like I am just telling her she is annoying all the time, which I don't think is helping or working or fair, but I don't know how to help her. It is exhausting. Any tips for relentlessly energetic 4 year olds with low personal boundaries?

We have considered whether she is displaying elements of ADHD but school say she is pretty well regulated there. Responds well to direction etc. Also, she has definitely progressed on lots of other fronts. Transitions are much easier these days, she is fine brushing her teeth and having her hair washed, goes to bed like a lamb. But staying in bed past 5am and respecting personal boundaries zero progress.

She is having help with her speech, (can't say s) and the therapist did say she liked to play on her own more than with others. Her teacher said he had zero concerns on the socialising front. I think we just need to keep an eye and an open mind.

It definitely sounds sensory seeking. Do you have lots of ways for her to use up her excess energy within the home and especially when engaged in a non-active activity?

When she’s climbing all over you, smushing your face or poking and prodfing and fiddling with her hands telling her to stop don’t be enough of you don’t also redirect her to an appropriate alternative activity which will meet her sensory needs. A rocking chair or yoga ball to sit and bounce on for example will give that vestibular and proprioceptive feedback she gets from climbing and pressing herself into you. Lycra body socks are also good for climbing inside and getting lots of that push and pull feedback. A weighted blanket or lap pad may help her to sit calmly. Support her to recognise when her behaviours annoying but also to engage in something that helps her redirect her energy and regulate her behaviour.

If she’s poking and prodding then look for fiddle toys she can play with instead - things to stretch and squash and twiddle. There are examples of sensory fiddle kits here, available to buy as lots but mostly made of stuff you can buy from toy shops and even Poundland; Fidget spinners, slime balls, silly putty, stretchy toys etc.

If she’s sat with you prodding and poking remove her, tell her you don’t like it But also explain it’s okay to have busy hands but she needs to get a fisher toy before you’ll sit with her.

Have you had her hearing tested? Sounds a lot like my DD who had glue ear for months and months. Also preferring to play alone at times and the speech issue.
Otherwise I pad to give you both a break?!

Just be aware that many professionals won't be able to see autism in girls. Presents very differently

My asd 7yo dd is similar. Sensory seeking and craves attention. It is exhausting. She knows the boundaries but finds it difficult. When she had her dx, her lack of awareness of personal space was one reason why they diagnosed her so quickly.

MyNewBearTotoro it is advice like that that keeps me coming back to this site. I think redirection is definitely needed and your suggestions are ace.

Molly2016 she did have ear infection issues last winter, none so far this year, we asked for a hearing referral as we thought the noise sensitivity might be connected, but Dr said no just crack on. Have gotten less concerned on that front.

She may well be masking at school and so is overlooked. Girls are especially good at this.

I had one of those. He was still doing it aged 10. Turned out he was autistic.

Sounds just like my DC with high functioning ASD. From the moment DC was born they were twiddling, poking, grabbing and it’s never relented. It can become tiresome, I sympathise.

Sounds like she is looking for attention.
When she gets it right go over the top with praise and attention. When shes being over the top quietly & calmly correct her behaviour but don't go over the top. Brisk & quick.
She needs to get a lot more attention for the correct behaviour than for the more challenging behaviour.