Kids and divorce

[LookingForPerspective2015]

STBXH and I are going to tell the kids after Christmas that we're separating. After doing some research I'm terrified that we're going to screw them up for life, but unfortunately there's no question of saving the marriage. Can anyone give me some vaguely reassuring stories about kids surviving divorce?

Of course kids survive divorce.

Dont argue in front of them or give them your negative opinions of the other parent would be my best advice.

Yup. One DD (now 13). Been separated since she was 8. She’s absolutely fine

We’re very amicable and the three of us (me, ex-H and step-mum) co-parent successfully.

Divorce doesn’t destroy children. Toxic or irresponsible parenting destroys children - that can come for parents whatever their marital status.

Good luck

It is difficult, of course.

But you have to remember that it will ultimately be better for your dc to be in two houses without tension and disagreement, than in one house where their parents do not get on.

I separated from my H earlier this year, and while my dc do find it difficult going between the two houses, it is definitely better for them to have a peaceful home with me, with much less tension around them for most of their time (there was a lot of tension in the house while exH was still living here)

You and your stbx have an ongoing responsibility to try to keep the dc out of any disagreements going forwards, obviously, and apart from that, life moves on, and it is possible for dc to be happy post separation.

Split up nearly 5 years ago. Kids are now 4 and 8 (split when i was pregnant). It is hard but we make a real effort to co-parent. I never badmouth him despite it being tempting at times. The kids know they have two parents who love them and care for them. The important thing is that you as parents do whatever is best for kids not for yourselves.

Thank you all, this is helpful. The difficult thing is that the kids are secure and happy at home - our relationship was great and we didn't argue or have tensions. But he had another life I didn't know about.

DS now 14 is fine. We divorced when he was 1, got back together, awful separation. Friends now. DS is either very stoical or we did ok with him. My parents are divorced and I'm ok.

@Fishcakey - what form does your friendship take? I'm confident we can make this split amicable and wonder if we can be friends (too early to tell, of course).

LookingForPerspective2015

Not the poster you asked the question of, but we’re friends still.

We socialise the four of us. The three adults, me and ex-H and me and step-mum

I wish my mum had left my dad. It may have been better for me. ( One will never know)

Better to live happy separate lives than in a house that is full of tension dislike etc. Yes staying together happy may be best but you are not choosing from those options. You are choosing from separating or unhappy marriage. Only you know how savable your marriage is, how unhappy you both are
. What staying together may be like and whether that is worse than separating.

Remember it is quite normal now a days. They won't be the first kids in their group to go through this.

First time I left son was upset but better than than arguing second time I'm doing it on my own after xmas same xx

I am a step parent and the child of divorced parents and I am messed up. This is not because my parents are divorced but because (as a pp said) they were terrible parents.
I would say that the best thing you can do is to work on building a good post-divorce relationship with your ex (which will take both of you). Be respectful to each other and understanding of each other. It will be hard to do this and you will both need to work at it. Your love for your children should always be bigger than your hatred for another person (and vice versa).

If he has a life elsewhere, be careful be that you don't give the kids the message he has left them ( accidentally, kids interpret things wrongly what with being kids)

Good luck. And take care of yourself. You are important in this two.

Thank you, this is all very useful. I should hate him but I don't and it's been remarkably amicable so far (albeit very painful), and we've agreed to go to joint counselling so we can work as a team to get the kids through (not to save the marriage as it's too late). The fault lies on his side but obviously we won't ever tell the kids that - for their good I'm fully prepared to take the flak they throw at me even though that's not fair. They must come first.

@jacqueshammer That's good to know.