Advice needed re DM sharing pictures of my DS

[Honeybee85]

Last summer DS was born. We live overseas so family doesn’t live close by. I don’t have a good relationship with my DM as she has some narc personality traits. Any form of criticism towards her is usually met with an overly defensive, angry and emotional response.

Because DM lives far away, we keep in touch trough video calls so she can see DS and in the past I often sent her photos of him on whats app.
And here lies the problem.

I know many people share photos of their DC on social media but I don’t. I have never shared even 1 photograph of him on Facebook or Insta because I simply do not like the idea that anyone can have a photo of my DC in their possession. He’s a baby so he can’t tell me if he is OK with that or not. I recently found out (won’t mention how as it is too outing) that my DM forwards pictures of DS I sent her on whats app, to other people trough whats app.

I don’t mind if she shows people pictures of my DS on her phone but I don’t want those pictures to be forwarded to people I hardly know so they have them in their possession as well. And can post them on social media, send them to God knows who etc, I simply don’t want that.

I told her carefully that I do not like this, explained her why and I want her to stop sending pictures that I intended to be only in her possession but she said my request is unreasonable and grandparents can do with photos of their grandchildren as they please.
I’m quite upset over her reaction and don’t know how to handle this. I have stopped sending her photos of DS and allow her to see him only trough video calls. Am I overreacting? Or doing the right thing?

You decide as his parent what I Lind presence he has. No pictures or videos for her until she dies as you ask.

You are doing the right thing. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

As you don't put pictures of your child out there then SIBU, and should respect your wishes.

From the other side, I can see why she wants to. Our DGD was born last year and I would really love to be able to share photos of her with my friends and wider family, because I'm proud of her. My FB is locked down and not open to FofF etc.

DS and DDIL say no-one is allowed to post pics of their DD for a variety of reasons. Yet they regularly post photos of her on FB. DS says it's different but I can't see how (we aren't allowed to share the pics they post either). It's not as if we are going to publish her full name, address and birthdate on there; I'm not stupid.

The thing about posting photos on social media is once a photo is shared, anyone who has access to it can download it and re-share. While unlikely, you never know who is going to do something with the photo. It's absolutely the parents' prerogrative as to whether they want their childrens' photos shared by other family members, as they cannot control who will potentially see and download a photo. You're doing the right thing OP - no more photos, just video calls, until she understands this. If she asks for a photo, just say what you said before - 'I don't feel comfortable about this being shared on social media'.

She doesn’t share on social media but she sends photos of DS to people she keeps in touch with on whats app. She sends pictures of DS to friends of hers that I hardly know and it bothers me.
If she wants to send a picture to anyone, I think she should ask me first if that’s ok but not forward photos to others because ‘ it’s the right of grandparents to send pictures of the grandchildren to anyone they want even if the parents don’t want that’.

I think you might be overreacting a tiny bit.. to me WhatsApp is different as it's a message sent directly to one person, not posted online for all to see. And in all likelihood the person looked at the pic, thought "oh how cute" then deleted it so they don't have a random baby taking up space on their phone memory..

I do think you are entitled to be a bit annoyed, but Whatsapp/FB etc are how people show photos nowadays. I have a very good relationship with my mum and we compromise a bit on this as she feels quite upset when all her friends and relatives (far and wide as we are scattered all over the UK) are sharing photos of her DGC and she can't join in with the proud grandmother stuff otherwise. So we agree what photos can be shared and how, no tagging. Could you agree the odd one subject to strict privacy settings, no tags etc?

That’s the thing @Whereland it’s probably what you and me would do if we received a picture of someone’s baby but after it’s send to others, you simply have no idea.

Plus I really hate to think whenever I send a picture if there are things on there that I don’t want other people that I’m not close with to see.
For example a messy living room (many photos are taken spontaneously so don’t always have time to tidy up), quite intimate photos taken right after birth, photos of me and baby where I have vomit stains on my clothes and no make up on etc. Not shocking things but still some things that I consider part of my private family life and fine to see for my DM but not for everyone.

@ExpletiveFairylighted

Thank God she has no social media because with her attitude re DS’s privacy I am very sure she would have posted pictures of him. Funnily enough she has insisted that whenever we have a family gathering it’s not allowed to post any pictures of for example the dinnertable on social media as ‘it’s her home and it’s private’. Which I respect so I don’t post any.

intimate photos taken right after birth, photos of me and baby where I have vomit stains on my clothes and no make up on etc.

That would royally piss me off. If you can't trust your DM to know not to share pictures like that then your only option is not to send them to her in the first place.

I have no idea @tableclothing which pictures she has forwarded (I have sent her so many in the past) but I do know she forwards pictures of DS.
She has shown in the past in other ways to have absolutely zero respect for my privacy (for example reading my diary as a young girl without any reason other then being nosy) and I don’t trust her at all. I feel stupid now for sending her quite personal photos because I should have known before that entitled answer on my request to not forward photos to others, that she doesn’t respect my privacy. But she’s my mum and I just wanted to share the beautiful pictures of my little boy without censorship. I was naive.

she should respect your wishes on this.
she is transgressing boundaries that properly belong to the parents alone.
watch out. she may assume try to interpose and interfere further as the chid grows.
be civil and matter of fact. do not send any more pictures.
regard her as a potentially troublesome employee, that you cannot sack, but gradually restrict their activities, as they refuse to follow instructions and try to act above their pay-grade.

My own DM fits a lot of the description of yours. I'm currently expecting dc1 and have had to put a lot of thought in how to manage DM around the time of dc1's arrival, to avoid her negatively impacting my mental health. She's going to be on a need-to-know basis. I haven't decided yet, but she may well not be invited to the hospital (having CS, so likely to be there a couple of days). I feel a bit shit for her, and especially for my DF, who is harmless, but DM has form for taking deeply unflattering pictures of me without my knowledge after I have explicitly told her not to, and then sharing them on Facebook (which is how I found out she'd been taking them). I just don't/can't trust her at all and I don't want an argument over her photography obsession spoiling my first couple of days with DC.

I'd love to have a close relationship with my DM, but I can't, because everything I tell her is then broadcast to the entire world. I'm not sure if she's even noticed that her relationship with me is incredibly superficial. I chat more meaningfully with the average taxi driver than I do with her.

You live miles away from her, for goodness sake do you think she is sending photos to sex offenders? Precious first time parent eh?

@tableclothing

I’m so sorry for you that she has impacted your pregnancy in a negative way. I know exactly how you feel as my DM also did when I was pregnant.
She did some horrible things that I will never be able to forgive her for and even had to go NC with her for the last months of my pregnancy as she did such shitty things that I had to cut her off to secure mine (and then unborn DS’s) wellbeing.

You’re completely right to be greyrocking her.
Please put your own emotional wellbeing first.
I ended up calling my midwife in the middle of the night because I got terrible cramps at 26 weeks after a fight with her. She ruined several weeks of my last trimester because I was so stressed because of her. Don’t let that happen to you! I allowed her too close and it was a huge mistake.
You can PM if you want to exchange experiences and advice.

@EsmeSwan

I frankly have no idea if there are sex offenders in her whats app contacts. One of the reasons I don’t want my DS’s photos not forwarded without my permission. If that makes me a precious parent then so be it.

YABU, get a grip, he’s a baby, you’re being PFB in the extreme.

What on earth do you think anyone is going to do with a photo other than go “ah, sweet” and delete it? One baby looks much like the next at that age anyway.

@DebbieBarry

Hi mum