How do you react when your dp/dh raises his voice to you?

[xxmas]

If he ever does?

Whenever my dp is stressed he shouts a lot. Just a normal conversation with him will turn to shouting.

I've told him not to talk to so loudly as it makes me feel uncomfortable. My childhood was plagued with daily arguments and raised voices.

When I talk to him about why I don't like it he sometimes will say sorry and other times tell me how he grew up in the same sort of environment.

It seems like because of our childhoods he sees it as normal to shout when stressed, whereas I find it intimidating and it makes me on edge.

So I was just wondering how others react to their partners when they shout at them rather than talk to them. At the moment I just try to ignore him and tell him I will talk to him when he's calmed down. But It makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Mine used to shout because he grew up like that....I did too but I am like you and cannot stand it.

I took to walking out of the room. Sometimes out of the house. That soon worked.

I completely ignore him and walk away.

I shut down completely and can't respond as I'm not a shouter myself. He very rarely does it as he knows how much it upsets me

He never does. But my dad was an aggressive shouter, it was intimidating, oppressive and horrible to live with and I walked away from previous relationships with men who thought losing the plot and shouting was ok. If you love him, make it clear that it’s a deal-breaker and you can’t and won’t tolerate it.

I tend to be the louder shouter, my husband is far more reasoned and measured in his arguments, and I’m a hot tempered mess .

Tell him to fuck off. Although that can escalate the situation and lead to a blazing row.

The best thing to do is keep calm. Either walk out or respond in a measured, calm, reasonable voice. Don't mirror his behaviour, instead be the opposite and then hopefully he'll see how ridiculous he's being.

Occasionally he will get told to fuck off still

Depends at the situation.
If I'm trying to say or explain something and he shouts over me I'll react by shouting back to make myself heard.
Any other time I shut down and don't respond at all.

Sometimes I’ll shout back and sometimes I have more patience. I don’t find it intimidating, though, as DH just gets louder when he’s annoyed or stressed out but he is never rude or threatening.

DH is generally a very calm person. He has raised his voice to me maybe 3 times in our 10 years of marriage. If he raises his voice to me then i know it’s serious and usually deserved to be honest.

I was raised with a dad who constantly shouted and it petrified me. My DH shouted once when we were in the car together, he jsut said fuck but shouted it cos he had gone the wrong way and we were in a rush. I honestly nearly broke up with him I said I hate shouting it really scares me. that was 9 years ago and he's never ever raised his voice again.

i reply in a calm and stern voice "dp you need to adjust your tone" if his does escalate which stops him in his tracks as he would never want to shout

it works and he is aware i won't tolerate it

He did raise his voice to me once.

I said "I don't like being spoken to like that" he hasn't done it since (over 20 years ago now)

It happens very very early (like, low single figures, in over 20 years), but I say quietly ‘please watch your tone’ and he subsides. I hate it. My mum used to speak in a loud, sharp tone a lot when criticising me and my dad and even though I’m 40-odd now, it takes me right back there.

rarely not early!

I don't know, because he doesn't. Not once in over 30 years.

But my DF was shouty and it was horrible. I can't bear shouting, it upsets me very much. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who raised their voice at me.