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Original poster

What will you be like as a parent in law?

20 replies

LaMarschallin · 20/12/2019 16:18

We've read the threads.

"AIBU or is my MiL..." etc.

Of course she is U. Old cow.
She utterly dotes on OH, just like I dote on DS. Who may grow up to be someone's OH.

I've read so many threads recently that seem to suggest that posters think that'll never grow up or that they'll be the last of their family: "I'm Smith;they're Jones. Offspring will be little Smith-Jones.

Or: Christmas will be our little family...
Ahh...

So, when they grow up and their OH has ^their^ little family...

I love seeing my family. So far as I can tell, they love seeing me
But those of you disparaging the older generation (who often gave you your Christmas memories)...

You'll be old one day.

OP posts:

AlaskaElfForGin · 20/12/2019 16:24

I agree wholeheartedly. I hope I'll be a lovely PIL, I'll certainly try to be!

DoIhavetobejolly · 20/12/2019 16:26

You are seeing a biased sample. People who get on well with their in-laws don't come on to start posts about how happy they are to be with their in-laws. Why would they, there isn't anything to ask for advice about.

As for what sort of in-law I intend to be, if I am lucky enough in future to be a MIL and/or a Grandmother I hope to be one who is not controlling, critical or who sulks when things don't go my way. I hope to be one who understands that my children are building their own lives now and that my role in their lives is now secondary to that of their partners and children. I hope to treat them as the adults that they are and understand that our relationship will change.

Honeybee85 · 20/12/2019 16:27

I hope I’ll be a lovely MIL.
Someone who is always willing to support but who is never being nosy.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

DuggeesWoggle · 20/12/2019 16:29

I will try not to be but I expect I will think of my son as 'golden boy' and no one will be good enough for him! He's only 4 so a while to go yet. MIL thinks DH can do no wrong and has made the odd passive aggressive comments to me so I know what it's like to be the partner of the most perfect son in the world. I guess it's just a consequence of loving your children so much. Just as now I understand how my mum must have felt when we were small, when (if) I become a mother in law I will understand how my own mil feels.

ChanklyBore · 20/12/2019 16:32

I hope I won’t be an in-law to anyone, was my honest first thought on reading your title!

Obviously I get your point about attitudes and I’m aiming for a nice blend of cool grandma with my own life, and helpful but not intrusive. I already think about it a lot when my partner’s parents are doing my head in. I’m definitely not going to land on my children’s families with shedloads of wrapped up tat at Christmas, remind me of that in twenty years.

But there has to be a better term for extended families these days than assuming everyone will marry, is married, will remain married (ie in-law).

Original poster

LaMarschallin · 20/12/2019 16:34

You are seeing a biased sample.

I hoped that was the case.

I have had the feeling (being a new, and desperately trying to be a nice, MiL) that if "MiL" is in the title of a thread, the OP will be trashed.

Particularly if they're the MiL of a DS.
I've got two daughters and I really feel for mothers who have sons.

OP posts:

Bearfrills · 20/12/2019 16:34

My MIL is a grade-A witch who has been foul to me over the years and who has never bothered with her grandchildren which echoes the relationship she had with DH when he was a child. She deserves to be alone at Christmas (but won't be as she has a full squadron of flying monkeys).

Family relationships are complicated and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors however no one should feel obligated to have a relationship with someone they dislike purely because they share blood or marriage links.

Ragwort · 20/12/2019 16:34

I am very conscious about this as we have an only DS and I am very aware that MILs of only sons can be the worse .

I’ve had two MILs, & the first was an excellent example of how not to behave, totally obsessed with her DS . I hope I will be fairly laid back & not get over involved in DS & DDIL’s lives. I don’t anticipate that DS will live in our home town when he graduates, in fact I hope he moves away & makes the most of his life. I have no wish to be involved in child care on a routine basis & I anticipate that our lives will be fairly separate, as mine always has been with my own DPs, we get on very well, but have independent lives. If we do live far apart I would always offer to stay in a hotel or B & B when visiting, I would hate to put anyone out (& have no wish to doss down on a sofa at my age!).

Mintjulia · 20/12/2019 16:35

I’ve thought about this because I had a mil who made my life a misery for 4 years.
I’ve decided I shall retire somewhere a good distance away, offer to help with school holiday care of any grandchildren and leave it at that. My ds and his future partner can choose to come and see me or invite me to theirs, but they’ll have to make the move.

Hopefully that will work. But ds is only 11 so a way to go yet

TimeforanotherChange · 20/12/2019 16:38

Well I hoped I'd be a good MIL but whilst I like one of my DCs partners very much I'm not keen on my DSs partner - and I'm pretty sure it's her, not me .

I've liked other partners he has had in the past, but generally keep my nose out and don't care that much as long as he is happy. This lady is extremely hard work. However friendly and cheerful we are with her we get monosyllabic answers. She comes to stay and doesn't get up til after lunch, doesn't like anything (apparently) that I cook and makes no effort at all. Frankly, despite being welcoming I'm hoping he dumps her. The idea of ending up with her as a DiL is pretty depressing; she clearly doesn't like any of his family much and so we end up making polite conversation which she barely responds to.

They don't live particularly near, have been together 2 or 3 years and she clearly doesn't want much to do with us, which is a bit sad as we've tried to welcome her into the family.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 20/12/2019 16:43

I'm very fortunate to have three adult DC who all have wonderful partners. My DIL and I regularly spend time together and I do my very best to avoid all the pitfalls I read about on here!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 20/12/2019 16:46

OOOhhh a thread I can blow my own trumpet on! Yay! My son and his long term partner are moving into their first home together in between christmas and the new year.This is the first time at 29 my son has left home.My sons partner has been living here with us for about a month so I am officially an inlaw I guess.And I have to say its been really good.My stance was they are big enough and old enough and daft enough to sort themselves out.I never took sides in their squabbles and I never intruded on their time or plans together. I loved cooking for them both and doing the endless washing and ironing and last night my sons partner said you know what I panicked a bit about coming here but its been brilliant I wish we could stay longer. You are the mum I always wanted ....my lip wobbled a bit and I did feel really touched.It was wonderful for him to say such nice things and be so genuine.So I guess if I keep on being as respectful of them as they are to me then we will be ok. I am really happy going forward to know I not only have a fab son but a fab son in law.And I will do everything in my power to keep this special relationship with both of them totally as it is now.They reckon I am cool ...not so sure about that but thats ok with me!!!!

Iamallatsea · 20/12/2019 16:46

I’m a kind of MIL, neither of my sons are married, both of their partners are lovely and actively choose to spend time with us. We are having a multi generational Christmas, Great Grandma, Grandparents, Parents and my 3 yr old granddaughter. My other son’s partner, long distance, relationship will be spending Christmas with her parents this year. We are extremely lucky to all get on well.
I don’t idealise my sons though and respect that they are grown ups with their own lives to live. They know that we are here for them all if they need us.

Fucck · 20/12/2019 16:51

Well acceptance is the key, you take on whoever your child loves. If you don't, you push your child away 🤷🏼‍♀️

But I honestly don't get too involved in mil threads, I've seen it from the other side. My bro married the most antagonistic, nasty woman. She's absolutely devastated our family with her behaviour.
We're all civil now, it's taken a long time to get to this very shaky and volatile level ground. One strop and she's off again. But I know from talking to her, she sees herself as the victim - sees no harm in her own actions whatsoever.
I could absolutely see her on here and starting various "my PIL/SIL are horrific" threads (no idea if she's here or not but she definitely pops into my head when I read them)

When in reality my parents have tried sooo hard to keep her on side, and do a lot for her.
One thing to keep in mind is there's always two sides to the story, no matter how convincing this particular narrator is!

My mil is lovely, a very thoughtful woman who is invaluable in my life.

Original poster

LaMarschallin · 20/12/2019 16:52

I guess it's just a consequence of loving your children so much. Just as now I understand how my mum must have felt when we were small, when (if) I become a mother in law I will understand how my own mil feels.

Right.

That'll go down really well on any thread where a male OH is being an arse.

The point I was making is that children grow up.

OP posts:

Carolamc · 20/12/2019 16:53

I have 2 grown up children with partners, just starting this MIL business, and trying hard to be supportive whenever I am with them. I live 800 miles away so tend to visit and spend one night with one or other of them. I never criticise, always compliment and never give advice unless asked for, and so far it seems to work. I am lucky as both of them are nice people, and so I hope it continues. I try to remember my MIL, who seemed like a sweet little old lady, but was often passive aggressive, although perhaps I was overly sensitive and resentful. I hope karma doesn't happen!

LightDrizzle · 20/12/2019 17:19

People also moan about their DM’s a lot on here.
Much MIL/DIL friction seems to arise with the birth of a first grandchild. In general, the mother’s mother is primarily concerned with the welfare of her daughter at this dangerous, exhausting and emotional time, whereas for the father’s parents are more focused on the new baby. People often seem to have amnesia about how tricky the first weeks can be and how normal it is and how beneficial for the baby and mother to be physically close, but if it’s your own mum being overbearing and disappearing off with the baby, it’s much easier to nip it in the bud by objecting or protesting, you’ve had 20+ years of love and minor spats, you’ll both get over any initial ruckus.
However we are adults when we meet our in-laws and the relationship is usually more polite, so a lot of women really struggle to say they don’t like something or not make tea for everyone 48 hours after delivery and so resentment grows.
Also there are some bloody awful competitive grandmas expecting to have tiny babies overnight without their mothers etc. and you are always going to get those stories on here.

I intend to give the family space while making sure they know I’m ready to help in any capacity in the early weeks, not give unsolicited advice, remain interested in my daughters and SILs as 3D people, - their jobs, their interests, and not only view them as the gatekeepers of my grandchildren.
So far I get on really well with my DD and my SIL and we all choose to spend together. Equally my DD really likes her MIL and enjoys her company. She’s a really fun, bright, interesting woman.

No babies involved yet.

TreacherousPissFlap · 20/12/2019 17:21

I'll be amazing

DinosApple · 20/12/2019 17:25

My MIL was fab. Hopefully I'll take after her!

DuggeesWoggle · 20/12/2019 19:00

*I guess it's just a consequence of loving your children so much. Just as now I understand how my mum must have felt when we were small, when (if) I become a mother in law I will understand how my own mil feels.

Right.

That'll go down really well on any thread where a male OH is being an arse.

The point I was making is that children grow up*

The point I was making is that I think sometimes mums love their children so much they are blind to their faults and assume that everyone else will find them as wonderful as they do. My mil likes to tell me how perfectly all her 3 children fed/slept/potty trained/behaved as children and how brilliantly they have all done throughout life - having been married to her son for 8 years I can confirm he is definitely far from perfect!

Yes children grow up but they are always your babies and I guess it can be hard to let go and let them be independent when they rely on you so completely when they are small. I can sympathise with my own mum now that I am a mum of small children myself, and should I ever be a mother in law (using that term to cover partners as well as spouses), I will perhaps begin to see things from my mils point of view and maybe find myself acting in a similar way.

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