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Original poster

Today has been a bad day

24 replies

OneTooManyBathtimes · 19/12/2019 20:22

DS didn't sleep well last night due to being ill, teething, and generally having problems with his sleep right now (he's 2). Which means I didn't sleep well, woke up in the middle of the night feeling really sick, aching, and had a bit of a headache. DD (13 weeks) slept as much as I expected her to. She's not really a problem.
But because I was tired today, I really found it hard to cope. I know it's a trigger of mine, I know I need to seek help for my PND, and am seeing the Dr on the 27th, and my HV on the 24th.
I struggle with Drs because hes so clingy. I know he loves me, and I know I love him, but I honestly just didn't want him anywhere near me today. And that makes me feel terrible because I don't want to tip into the category of emotional neglect, which I feel happens sometimes, but when he's trying to push DD out the way when Im breastfeeding her, or trying to console her, I just don't want him near me.

I didn't want kids. My dad made comments about us having more today because for him there's no joy like it. I disagree and wuite often resent having them. I honestly don't know why we did sometimes. Maybe because DH wanted them.
And I know that makes me a bad parent. It's just so hard keeping it together when DH also has some form of PND that he needs to seek help for, and we've both thought about adoption. And then I feel the guilt because actually I love them so darn much but I just can't cope. Adoption would tip me over the edge.

OP posts:

CactusAndCacti · 19/12/2019 20:38

I remember those days with a newborn and a 2 year old, and shudder slightly. It was tough going, and feeling overwhelmed and a desire to push one back up is completely normal. (Though getting extra support is never a bad thing)

I used to have a special bf'ing bag, so when I needed to feed we could get that out and it had things in she could do next to me, so books, one of those magnetic drawing board things etc. Jealousy from the older sibling is totally normal, but I bet if anyone else tried to do something with her he would put a stop to it as she is his sister. Maybe try to get him involved, so if she needs a happy change, ask him to get the nappy, or get him a doll so you can look after the babies together.

Hang in there, and just keep repeating "it is just a phase"

BrutusMcDogface · 19/12/2019 20:45

I agree- I had two under two and they were dark, dark days. I imagine you feel resentment because ioh feel like you were pressured into having them, too.

I got antidepressants and also forced myself into a routine, with daily outings. In hindsight, what would also have helped would have been time to myself. Do you have anyone who could take them for a bit?

You’re not alone in feeling like this, I promise

BrutusMcDogface · 19/12/2019 20:46

Oh I also did the special activity box for when I was feeding the baby 😊

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Myyearmytime · 19/12/2019 20:54

The television was my babysitter when I was in place .
My pnd was never diagnosed but it went on years looking back .
It was fucking hard

Original poster

OneTooManyBathtimes · 19/12/2019 21:15

I've got family around, but they're all busy doing things, especially with Christmas coming up. My sister is finalising her wedding plans, and I usually get my mum to help, but I've had some problems with her recently, she drives me crazy, and tbh it feels like she's resenting me asking her for help right now.
DH is extremely busy at the moment with extra things going on due to work and social life (he helps run a men's group) but he's said he may just not work tomorrow because he saw just how exhausted I was. I was falling asleep while we had guests over.

OP posts:

NeverGotMyPuppy · 19/12/2019 21:36

Oh my goodness I know that feeling OP! We have one at the moment but are planning number 2, I dont k ow why because I find it utterly tedious but at the same time enormously stressful.

The wiping. The crying at nappy changes. The wanting to be just left alone for a bit.

DS was very much wanted but my god. It's really really hard.

woblob · 19/12/2019 21:48

You are not alone. I heard DD wake up this morning and my first reaction was 'don't come to me, go away, please just go away' (obviously in my head, not out loud!). I'd been up every hour with DS in the night, and I'm so touched out. I love her so much but I feel so utterly suffocated and I just want everyone to leave me the hell alone.

I try and get out of the house as much as possible. We spend probably a bit too much money going to soft play and getting lunch/coffee, but sometimes it feels like that is the only thing holding my fraying sanity together. Seeing my DD out and about playing and making little friends wherever we go let's me see just what a wonderful, amazing kid she is and balances out the awful tantrums which seem constant when we are home all day. I seem to get tunnel vision if we stay home and it's a vicious cycle of make mess, me try to tidy up/do chores, she wants to play, I get frustrated with having to say no, she feels rejected so acts up etc etc etc.
This time of year feels particularly hard when you can't just take them to the playgroup for some fresh air and a run around in the late afternoon.
I have also found spending one on one time with my DD really good for our relationship and helps me see her for her. Even if it's just a quick walk to grab milk in the evening after DH is home from work, I've noticed a big difference in how she is with me when we have 15 minutes of just the two of us with no distractions.

It's so, so hard and you're doing brilliantly.

Original poster

OneTooManyBathtimes · 20/12/2019 04:17

DS woke up again an hour ago. He was hungry, so I feel bad but he doesn't tell me if he wants something to eat and is hungry, or often tells me he needs a drink. It's always a guessing game and I suck at it.
I can't keep going on like this. It'll be another hour until he falls asleep, and DD is obviously awake because of DSs crying.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 20/12/2019 06:22

This may sound like heresy, but while you are so low, how about turning on the TV for DS and having a nice afternoon on the couch watching whatever kiddie fare is on?

Original poster

OneTooManyBathtimes · 20/12/2019 09:05

We don't have a TV licence, but could put on netflix

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 20/12/2019 19:40

How are things today? Hope you turned on Netflix and managed to get a few minutes of peace.

KindergartenKop · 20/12/2019 21:05

Little Baby Bum on Netflix is great. Also Puffin Rock.

It's normal to not want anyone touching you while BF. Be kind to yourself, it's hard.

Original poster

OneTooManyBathtimes · 21/12/2019 09:07

DS doesn't like Little Baby Bum, I've tried that one. He was sick last night, which is the second day this week. I'm guessing he's got a bug or something because he usually seems fine, but last night he actually looked ill. That hasn't stopped me from wanting to shove him down the stairs because of his incessant screeching.
I know I need more patience, but I'm exhausted. And he refuses to sleep when he's tired so he's very VERY tired right now

OP posts:

The2Ateam · 21/12/2019 09:25

You need a hand OP, even just someone to have them for a few hours so you can catch up on some sleep. Just ask, worst that can happen is they say no.

Ginfordinner · 21/12/2019 09:30

That sounds rough OP. Please ask for help. Tell people you aren't coping.

And make sure you have watertight contraception.

Original poster

OneTooManyBathtimes · 21/12/2019 13:01

@Ginfordinner our contraception is currently abstinence lol, but is usually condoms. Any sort of pill really messes me up, will look into others

OP posts:

TheElfFellOffTheShelf · 21/12/2019 13:43

Having 2 children under two was the most difficult time of my life so far. I felt exactly the same as what you're describing (but for me it was my youngest who did nothing but whinge and cry as a baby and who I resented; my eldest was a dream baby and toddler).

Tell people you're not coping and ask for all the help you can get, both from family/friends and from outside agencies or charities such as Home Start.

I know it doesn't help much now but this stage doesn't last forever. Every step towards independence your youngest makes is a step away from this nightmare stage when they both need you and pull you in different ways.

mathanxiety · 21/12/2019 22:24

Can you get a DVD player and lay your hands on some DVDs for DS?

Quite often I found that sick and overtired DCs took a much needed nap on the couch induced by a DVD.

Original poster

OneTooManyBathtimes · 22/12/2019 00:16

We tried the DVD player today. Only to find we're missing the hdmi/scart lead. DH is really annoyed about it 😂
I texted a crisis helpline and they helped calm me down and sent me some links etc. I'm ashamed to say that I lost it and yelled into the void that is our house in general, not at the kids. I do think I scared DS though, bless him. I broke down in tears because of it. He's currently awake now due to DH changing his nappy after he pooped (finally) I'm sat on the bedroom floor next to his bed until he falls asleep, which could be another hour. DD is asleep in our room with DH being cuddled, as she's been twitchy today too. Meh

OP posts:

Fouroutoffour · 22/12/2019 00:23

OP, if you're in the Midlands I'll happily come and help out for an afternoon

gingersausage · 22/12/2019 05:28

It sounds like you are pushing yourself too hard. PND says stupid things in your head. It tells you things that aren’t true. When you get some help and come out of the other side, you will look back and see that but while you are in the middle of it, it’s bloody awful.

Having people over, stressing about whether to have more children or adopt, letting your dad have an opinion on your uterus; it’s all too much for you right now.

Why don’t you spend the day in bed with the baby and sod everything else. Have a day off. Get your husband to take the toddler on an Exciting Outing!! and bring takeaway for tea. It won’t solve anything in the long term, but in the short term it will prove to you that the world won’t end if you look after yourself first for a change.

Hugs. I’ve been where you are and it’s shit, but if you get the right help you can come out the other side.

Igmum · 22/12/2019 05:35

Hugs from me too OP . Hope things are better today and yes, yes to getting help (from family, friends, on here and elsewhere). It will get better

sashh · 22/12/2019 05:46

Hugs.

Not a parent so this is second hand.

My friend's son was late talking so they started sign language, just for drink, food and potty, it might help you communicate with your older one, you don't even need to use actual 'signs' just a consistent hand gesture, so asking, "do you want a drink?" and making your hand into a glass shape.

Original poster

OneTooManyBathtimes · 22/12/2019 14:16

Thank you. I'm not in the Midlands, but thank you for the offer.

DS has learned drink, eat, sleep and poop so he can communicate those but is stubborn when it comes to actually drinking etc. He's currently telling me "eats" but I know he is not hungry, he just wants cake (he saw me eat one).
I am hoping things do get better this week coming. I can't keep going on like this.

OP posts:

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