All my life I've not been 'normal' I'm actually ok with that but it feels like nobody else in society is!
I am pretty sure I am autistic. As a dc I didn't speak until 4 apparently I was taken to the doctors about this but I spoke on demand with the dr and my mum was laughed out the room.
I couldn't eat certain foods and kept to the same items well into teen years. Weirdly as an adult after meeting my dh and his family who would not negotiate dinners around me I have managed to overcome most of that and it's actually a lot more pleasant to sit at a meal now. I've had a natural aptitude for certain subjects such as maths. People will stand around me to watch me add things up because I'm so fast at it and I've just always been that way.
I suffer extreme anxiety as well for my whole life but hide it very well.
If I'm given the opportunity I won't leave the house for days. Luckily I am not often able to do this and I'm sure dh deliberately sets me tasks to put a stop to this. He really helps me and I'm lucky.
Anyway the time has come now when I am so so exhausted from pretending to be normal. At work I say the wrong things I have no idea what I've done no one talks to me they talk to each other but leave me out, I feel utterly isolated. My boss looks at me as the trouble maker and avoids sitting me in the same room as the other people I work with now and I've been sat in a separate part of the office alone. It does hurt as I don't get what I've done. I always have to go and ask a friend by explaining the situation and saying what I have I done here so I can learn from it and most of the time they splutter with laughter and say noooo you didn't do that with a horrified face on. I don't get stuff. I get hurt by no one wanting to know me though and I do get anxiety about having somehow hurt others so I must have feelings even though people assume I don't sometimes.
Now I wfh full time where possible to avoid any further social issues at work. My Christmas do was tonight but I only got invited last minute and no one else mentioned it to me so I didn't think they wanted me there. So here I am in bed! It does feel awkward and I can see I'm not normal from people's reactions but I don't think I can change the way I am.
This has happened before in other companies as well. I've had bosses pull me into a room and ask what my problem is etc it's actually pretty terrifying being accused of lying and how can I not know I've upset so and so. I now try not to talk to anyone myself to stay out of anyone's hair. Feel like I can't go on like this anymore and worried I'll eventually be pushed out as it's a small company. Has anyone had this?
I'm so tired everyday of living this way. I don't know if I can even get diagnosed or what the consequences are.
I feel like at least if someone says what's my problem again I can say there is actually something wrong with me.
Is it worth just going to gp and saying anyone please help? I feel so pathetic at the same time. Sorry I'm rambling but the Christmas do thing has made me really sad.