Loneliness

[ohohohmerrychristmas]

I don’t know where to begin except that I’m desperately lonely .

I’m 28, live in a tiny village in the arse end of nowhere with no decent public transport . I can’t afford to learn to drive . Never been abroad . Never had a partner . Never had sex . Didn’t get drunk til I was 26 . I’m fat - properly fat, I’m about 22 stone . I don’t bother going out much now because I feel so bloody uncomfortable - size 26 on bottom . All I can think is people will be looking and laughing .

I feel totally isolated and like life has left me behind .

I’ve done a degree, I had a couple of friends through that, and then I worked for three years, I had a good social network then . Then I left work to study again, and took a nervous breakdown a year and a half into that . Uni have put my place on hold til 2021 .

I know the reasons why I struggled - home has been very unstable and stressful since I was tiny wee . I was a very anxious child and now a very anxious adult - anxious over everything and convinced I’m seriously ill all the time . NHS help is very limited and I can’t afford private .

Now that I’m older and having MH input they think I’m actually autistic (sibling is), but this just makes me think I’m permanently alone . If it’s autism making me feel this way that’s not curable and that frightens me .

I don’t know how to start to mend things . I applied for a job, had an interview last week but that didn’t go anywhere . Have applied for another in nursing home .

I just want friends more than anything and to feel ‘normal’ and a part of the world . I went out last weekend to a panto and I cried because it was the first time I’d really gone out in over a year .

I’m worried I’m saying too much but anything at all, any ideas at all would really help .

That’s so hard OP

I’d start with your weight. I know it shouldn’t make a difference but being totally honest I would feel the same as you and it becomes cyclical with not wanting to go out due to weight and then staying in and raiding the biscuit cupboard.

Maybe you could start a plan in the new year?

I'm autistic, just diagnosed this summer. I stopped trying to fit in when I was 25.

Be yourself. Yourself is lovely.

You've got Uni to look forward to!
Why not set yourself a target time to go back and study and in the meantime start making changes in your life.
Diet and exercise will help as will sourcing some CBT. I was referred by my GP to counselling services. I also think you can get gym/exercise support through your gp in some areas. It's worth an ask.
I also spent years crippled by anxiety and still have really bad days.
Have you come across Paul David's blog? Really helped me.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so low, and alone, it is very hard, especially as you are so young.

I agree with elderflower that reducing your weight would be a good way to start changing your life. In January there are often "be vegetarian for a month" schemes and plans around, run by the BBC for example.
There are sometimes threads on MN about it too. So you could find others who were doing the same thing, for chat and support. Also it wouldn't be too daunting to try it for a month. At the end of the month you could evaluate how you felt and what your next step might be.
Do you live alone or with family? If you live with others, hopefully they will encourage you.

Have you heard of FutureLearn? It offers free MOOCs on all sorts of subjects. There's no pressure at all, and you might find a short course that would grab your interest and help keep your brain ticking over till you go back to complete your academic studies.

I know none of this is about finding new friends, but for the time being you have to be your own best friend. But you'll soon be out in the world again I hope.

I am 40 and just started the process of getting an Autism diagnosis. It is not too late to go for that.

I also used to weigh about what you do now. And while losing weight cannot fix everything it can help you find a confidence in yourself to seek things that might make you happier.

I used a website called SparkPeople. It was really useful, friendly community. If you're interested in joining send me a private message and I will tell you my user name on there and give you some starting points.

I did regain loads during two difficult pregnancies and ending up on rest. But the weight I lost left me more confident, met my now husband and I was fit enough to have a baby. Weight management is a bitch!

But my point is it's not too late to change things and see where that takes you.

I think that is probably the key yeah losing weight . I’m on medication that GP said is given to people to cause weight gain (mirtazapine) and they aren’t happy to let me stop taking it , so I guess I’m stuck with it for a bit . I’ve been trying to walk a minimum of 1000-2000 steps a day which is useless I know . I’m desperate to get back to normal and walk 2/3 miles a day if not more . I used to go swimming and all sorts . I was down to 16 stone at my slimmest, three years ago . Haven’t been at a healthy weight since age 6.

I do remember spark people though - can you combine that with MFP?

GP has sent me off for the autism stuff, I need quite a bit of stuff doing in hospital but they’ve referred me to genetics team to check there’s nothing there that can explain things better, and then possibly get autism diagnosis after .

I don’t like myself at all - never have. I was bullied horrendously at school and never gotten past it . Now when people talk to me I don’t know what I should say, so prefer to avoid it in case I’m wrong . They used to say at school I wasn’t normal , And now I’m scared any friends I’ve had we’re just patronising me .

It’s just frustration , I live with my mum but she has enough disabilities that she can’t really support me much at all, it always has to be me looking after her , she wouldn’t be able to help me . She doesn’t want me getting carers support though, says th ats offensive, and much of that is directed towards older adults or parents, so I wouldn’t fit in .

Will definitely look into weight loss though even if it doesn’t get me anywhere because of the mirtazapine it’s worth a shot anyway, and gives me something to think about .

Will google future learn too 😊

@ohohohmerrychristmas, in January I am doing a challenge to raise money for Mind. It’s called Red.
They sent me a T-shirt with a calendar on the back, I have to exercise every single day for the whole month of January and tick each day off.
Please choose a day and an exercise we could do ‘together’ that day. Whatever you fancy, a walk, a YouTube Pilates class, whatever, just choose one for us.
It would help me staying motivated and hopefully, it would make you feel less lonely too :)

Thank you so so much , I’m happy to do a daily walk? I’ve got a step app on my phone so I’m happy to try and do at least 2500 a day (which is a challenge for me right now!) and see how that goes? That’s amazing though, thank you so much

Can I join too? I am lonely and unfit as well and happy to do whatever exercise. Would yoga count? I was also thinking about buying a skipping rope and doing some skipping.

Daily would be fabulous, are you sure it won’t be too much? Shall we say 31st of Jan to be THE (main) day when it’s dedicated to us two, it’d be the last day of my challenge? If you’d do the challenge with me daily would be absolutely amazing and spur me on as well, or every other day, or even once a week, don’t matter.

@Blueshadow yes please! I’ve never done yoga, which day do you choose?

OP, I see lots of positives in what you’re saying here. You actually got out of the house and went to a pantomime. That’s a huge achievement for someone who’s been struggling with autism, anxiety, weight problems and loneliness. Well done you- that took courage, and you should feel bloody proud of yourself!
Secondly, the very fact that you posted on here, and are looking for help to improve your life - again, positive. You haven’t just given up.
You’ve got your degree course waiting for you. You didn’t just drop out, despite coping with severe mental health problems, you made sensible arrangements to be able to pick it up again later.
You’re planning to start some exercise, and get your step count up. Again, very positive, good for you! And walking means getting out of the house, fresh air, feeling good, maybe even saying hello to passing neighbours or patting a dog out walking - it’s all possible little social contacts.
Take it gently, OP, set small achievable targets of improving your life in lots of little ways. However isolated your home, I’m sure there must at least be a local church with a community and some social events. When you are feeling a wee bit more confident, you might pop along for a service or a coffee morning, just to get used to being around people in a supportive environment.
Work at being your own best friend - encourage yourself to try things, without criticising yourself if it’s awkward at first. And praise yourself regularly for all the things you manage. There are more than you think. God bless, and my prayers that 2020 will be the start of a much more satisfying and happy life for you. Get out there and grab that life with both hands!

OK. I choose Yoga Tuesdays in January.

Tuesday yoga it is!

A good place to start making friends is slimming world and their diet is pretty good too - kill two birds with one stone.
It's a great community to join and something to look forward to each week.
Your GP might have some weight loss schemes that are free, it's worth asking.
Don't forget that your 20's are an exceptionally hard time anyway, you are still developing and trying to work out who you are. I hated every second of my 20's but really "found myself" in my 30s and 40s.
I remember feeling acute anxiety a lot of the time so don't be hard on yourself.
Take little steps to changing your life, do somethng! Even if it's a tiny step.
You also need rewards, reward yourself in some small way for each small achievement.
There are more "normals" than one. I discovered I was asexual very late in life and also prefer to spend 80% of my time alone as I find people tiring. I have friends and occasions to go to but I only do as much as I feel comfortable with.
It takes time to work all this stuff out.

Great! Really pleased to see you making a plan!
I think from what I have read on SparkPeople that it is a friendly and less judgy place than MFP. I have seen a bunch of people keep the trackers they started there but join SP for community. I have people I have spoken with for years, since I am still there lol after reaching my goal weight then gaining it back being pregnant and immobile!
They have a Facebook style community feed that moves fairly fast, the main forum pages have decent activities too.

For me personally food tracking is the biggest tool in weight loss. It takes a while to get the best out of it but it is worth it.

I just wanted to say that you sound like you’ve done really well in life-to have a done a degree, worked and had a social life despite a difficult childhood is amazing. You’re in one of life’s dips but you’ll get back to that. All the very best.

Merry Christmas!

What Spotty528 said. You've done really well, now it is time to take a few more steps. I wish you every success in the future, bless you.

Just a small update ! I’m so sorry I haven’t had 5 min to update , sister had a lot of problems over Christmas then my gran ... a looong couple of weeks !!

I’ve signed up to do the RED challenge and have got sponsorship by my mum, dad and his wife to do about 2-3000 steps a day . Yesterday managed 3700 - went on a longish walk .

Today has been harder - having a v heavy period and just want to curl up but have done 1700 steps ... going to try to get to 2000 quickly before bed !

Have not had a good food day - but blaming that on period, and needing desperately to do a bit food shop too . Have been googling recipes , and bought a cookbook for Christmas - anything to get away from bloody Chinese takeaways !!

happy new year to you all too x

Yay, good to hear fellow redder! So pleased you’ve joined!

Would you like a really easy and cheap stir fry recipe? It’s my comfort food and it takes 10 mins to make.