Why is it that even when women work full time etc, they still end up doing the lions share of the kids stuff and the house stuff

[Lardlizard]

And the planing for Xmas and holidays and birthdays
It’s ridiculous
My mum worked full time yet did everything in the home
Everything !

Because otherwise it won't get done 🤷 I'd love it if my DH took the initiative to do the life admin, but no. He tries, but it just doesn't work.

On a macro level it’s societal expectation ingrained for generations and on a micro level it’s a worry they will be judged, lose their man.

The worrying about stuff not getting done, that’s how it perpetuates because men know the woman will do it, for me well it just won’t get done. Plus do not pander to them, the classic is when a man would say I have done the washing up for you and they expect praise, do not praise them It’s their washing up as well.

That’s in simple terms and not covering everything. Have read many a research paper on stuff like this as a young researcher in what seems millennia ago.

And this is why we need feminism !

I have thought about this as well. I wonder why so many women accept this setup.
I would have fallen out of love with my OH if he had refused to do his share even after I'd asked him. Surely only dicks consistently refuse to do their share?

I have a friend who regales me with stories of her DH's persistent incompetence regarding housekeeping, she thinks it's cute and funny. I think it's a lack of respect and a sign he's an arsehole. He works in a demanding professional job but just can't remember how to correctly load the dishwasher? Fuck that.

Depends on what other household members are allowed to get away with.

It’s not the case for all women, I work as does dh, he does LOADS around the house! Dinners, laundry, homework, shopping etc etc we did Christmas shopping together

I do bugger all! I hate housework with a vengeance but DH hates a messy house, so from day 1 I made it clear that it wasn't one of my priorities. He's the major earner, by about a third, but does the vacuuming and dusting, and the loos.

I do the shopping, cooking and laundry and occasionally the mirrors. At Christmas we share the load, I organise the food, and he decorates. We each do presents for our lot and he has a spreadsheet (yawn) for cards. I still hate Christmas though, especially as I'm working nights on Christmas Eve and Day. Ugh!

Because they let it be that way tbh. My mum worked full time, and though she let my dad get away with more than he should, she brought me (and my brother) to know that there were no man or woman jobs. DH and I have always had a very equitable relationship, but if he chooses not to sort out presents for his family/ cards etc then thats his lookout, not mine.

I do think there a contrubuting factor that alot of women feel things must be done their way to their standards. When you read on here about Christmas preparations i think sometimes women go ott with decorations, north pole breakfasts etc that the man ( and me) don't see the point in.

I think when this happens (obviously not always) it is for one of two main reasons:

1. some women see it as part of their role and, even if they don't enjoy it as such, do get some sort of sense of achievement out of it, and would rather that they wrapped all the presents beautifully than their DP did it ok-ish.

2. their DP does not give a fuck and if the woman didn't buy presents/do the tree/wash the clothes then the DC wouldn't get presents or a tree or clean clothes. Category 2 women are basically held to ransom by their partners. These are the same women who don't want to split from their partners because they know their kids would be neglected EOW.

Speaking very, very broadly, and I have nothing to back this up, it's just an opinion - over the last 30/40 years, women have been raised to expect to have a career, to expect fend for themselves, to expect things to be 50/50. But men haven't got the memo and a significant number of them think that just going to work is all they have to do to support a family. But now women are working too and a lot of their partners are not picking up the slack. Germaine Greer said something like this (but much more articulately) in The Whole Woman in 1999, and 20 years on I don't see much change (well, my DH does a shitload more than my dad ever did, but there's enough threads on here about lazy/incompetent partners to make me think it's still a thing).

I agree with PP, it’s mainly because women have certain standards they don’t feel the man can meet so they’d rather just do it themselves.

Is a standoff between a messy person and a tidy person the one with the greatest tolerance for mess is likely to win, also if you can position yourself as the person who is able to hold the children to ransom then that will give you an advantage
So, for various cultural reasons it is more likely to be the man who wins in this standoff

Normally we are pretty even, but right now DH is applying for jobs and having some medical stuff and we're getting quotes for a new bathroom. Suddenly it's all on me, and he can't do any more as he's either not around or catching up on work because of not being around. It is driving me crazy. DD is a teenager who can't yet drive.
Last night she asked for a lift home right when I have a Christmas social planned. It's the second one I will have to miss. I've told her that this is the last year when I will be her taxi service. She or DH can work out other solutions as I need more time to focus on my career. I've done my bit for domestic bliss.