Being more chatty/friendly with acquaintances

[Olive30]

Realise this is stupid o'clock but can't sleep for various reasons and this has been at the back of my mind for a while.

I just feel like I am not good at making small talk and keeping conversations going when I don't know people very well. In the kind of situations like at the school gate or at a party or wedding. Good with people I know well. I suppose I am quite reserved at first but don't want to come across as rude and up myself which I think I might do sometimes. My mind goes kind of blank and I feel self- conscious about every utterance... feel I get a bit too serious too quickly and kill conversations at times. Bot sure why I care really as I have a few really good close friends but think it is an important life skill and don't want to make people feel awkward or give them the wrong impression.

Any tips? 😀🙈

Bearing in mind I was brought up to believe small talk is pointless, I've had to teach myself how to do it.. this is my technique!

Ask people about themselves. Standard topics include "what are you up to at the weekend?/what did you get up to at the weekend ...Ooh lovely" "wow it's been cold/warm/etc today! Do you think it's going to get colder/warmer?" "What are you watching on Netflix/Prime/did you see X what did you think?"

Topics to avoid include the obvious, sex money politics, also work. No one likes talking about work. Even if they love their job. Just don't!

If they have DC ask about them. "How's X doing with school/hobby Y now?"

Obviously only ask questions you're prepared to also volunteer info on yourself, I find it really rude when people ask a barrage of questions and don't say anything about themselves.

Basically if you think of a conversation as tenmis you won't go far wrong. Ask them a question, listen to their answer, volunteer some info yourself, if they ask you something answer it, then ask them the same thing or if they don't ask anything, ask another question etc. Try to get it 50/50 length of time talking for each person, avoid going into too much detail or speaking for too long in one go, focus on batting it back to the other person.

"Obviously only ask questions you're prepared to also volunteer info on yourself, I find it really rude when people ask a barrage of questions and don't say anything about themselves."

This is the first time I've ever seen this actually acknowledged when people give the "ask questions" advice.

Soooo many people take this advice to heart and then treat social interactions like some kind of formal police questioning. You ask them something about themselves, they give a one or two word answer and then it's back to the "how's your mum, what about your husband, how's his bad back/foot/eyebrow" and it's really off-putting.

You need to be a little vulnerable and give information about yourself too. It's a balance.

Thank you, that is really useful. Going to try it more consistently. Like the tennis analogy I just need to learn to rally consistently, rather than smashing it back!! In my job I am used to people listening to me (mainly) so think I am a bit concerned about lecturing people in social situations so go quiet, I'd that makes sense.

I think the root cause of my 'issues' with small talk is I am worried about being inane/boring or to the other extreme, being over intrusive but I hear people being like I fear quite regularly and they don't seem to mind...so am going to get more stuck in in 2020 and see how people respond!

I think more than I say Iykwim but this leaves me getting overlooked af times and people talk over me when in a group of more than 3 or so and I am trying to say something.

Feel better for articulating it. Anyone else have similar experiences?

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