I’ll try and keep this short, but I may not succeed.
About a year or so ago an old school friend got back in touch, we’d had some contact over the years, and for a while met up in a big group once or twice a year, but that had recently fizzled out. He mentioned quite early on that he’d very recently tried to commit suicide due to a relationship break down. I was there to support him, months of dropping everything to chat, distraction techniques, trying to reply ASAP to his messages that would sometimes be really late in the evening. Frustration when he wouldn’t listen, or try and help himself and frustration in myself for not being able to help more. He had full crisis team and psych help for the duration.
Time went, he started to get better, then he met a new gf. All was wonderful until he started to go downhill again, then got dumped and attempted suicide again. We hadn’t had a huge amount of contact in the interim but he hadn’t really ‘needed’ me I guess. And now we’re back here again. I’m trying so hard to help but already tonight it’s nearly midnight, I’ve only just got in the bath and I have to be up for work at 7. He got hold of a knife, not sure where he found it. I have to balance his confiding in me with how likely I think it is that he’ll try and hurt himself and I feel sick. There’s a mutual friend who is great but I think I’m the one he comes to the most, and the friend is on a very different time zone.
I stay calm when I’m talking to him, sometimes he needs a bit of a straight talking approach, and he’ll say things sometimes as an attempt at humour/to get a reaction from me but I try and stay calm and constant. But I’ll be honest, this is so far beyond anything I know how to help with. He’s always said I’m so good to talk to, whenever I’ve been quite straight with him he’s always thanked me and I try and think of the worst was to happen at any given point would I feel I’d done my best/the right thing and I do but I’m terrified and I’m tired.
A few days after this second attempt, there was a third. Then he seemed to have this massive epiphany which I had hope would or could be a turning point but now he’s writing it off as a drug fuelled dream that meant nothing and I’m so gutted. I’m worried that I could use one word that would send him off on the path of no return and while I try and appear so confident when I’m talking to him, I feel so much panic.
He’s had more crisis team intervention but they discharged him almost immediately on the basis that he seemed to be doing so well (!!) and he’s seeing a psychiatrist a couple of times a week.
I’m so scared he’s not going to make it, I know I can’t cure him and it’s terrifying 😢 please don’t jump on me, I’m trying my best!