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Original poster

daughter hiding in the toilets at break/lunch (7yr old)

22 replies

suspended · 17/12/2019 13:27

My daughter is bright, chatty and clever.

But she confessed to me this morning that she has been sitting in the cloakroom and toilets at lunchtimes because she doesnt have anyone to play with.

There are a couple of issues. Shes been badly bullied by 3 girls in her class who have been separated, and punished for their behaviour. This was for the first half term of the year and I think this badly affected DD.

Secondly her class is very unbalanced. There are 21 boys and 9 girls. 3 of hem are the bullies and on is my daughter. So there are 5 girls left. 2 are in a very closeley bonded friendship and and 2 others dont speak english and play with their siblings. The other girl plays with the boys, and DD has tried to play with them but they play (in her words 'horror games' like killer clowns and pennywise and she doesnt know who that is).

So shes just been sitting inside by herself or wandering around the playground and its really upset me. What can we do? I really want to help her, and I feel really sad at the thought of her sitting alone.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2019 13:31

Are you sure they don't speak English? How do they do lessons?

ukgift2016 · 17/12/2019 13:34

I have a 7 year old DD. I would definitely move schools in your case. There is a big unbalance between boys and girls, she has no one else to play with and doesn't stand a chance frankly.

Move her before her confidence gets more dented.

Original poster

suspended · 17/12/2019 13:35

They get taken out and work with the other children who speak the same languages (their brothers and sisters). They have just joined the school.

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Original poster

suspended · 17/12/2019 13:39

Moving schools isnt really an option for us due to where we live. I was more wondering if anyone had any practical tips?

I have spoken with the school about this and they have invited her to a lunchtime newspaper club which is only normally available to years 5 and 6. So thats one lunchtime down, and she does drama another, and choir another. But she still has 2 breaks a day and 2 lunchtimes a week to find stuff to do.

I have spoken to her about trying to make friends with some of the children from the other class in her year or even some of the boys in her class but she is really struggling.

OP posts:

witherwings · 17/12/2019 13:41

Can they move her to the other class?

BlastEndedSkrewt · 17/12/2019 13:49

bless her - i'm sorry I can't offer advise but this was basically how my first 3 years of secondary school were spent & it was an incredibly lonely time

maxelly · 17/12/2019 13:50

Ah bless her, I used to spend break times hiding in a loo at school with my book because I was so shy and found it really hard making friends. I've grown up into a (reasonably) social and confident adult if that is reassuring at all? I just needed a bit more time to catch up socially and actually quite valued some alone/quiet time in the busy, noisy day at school although the hiding at breaktimes wasn't great for me socially!

Does she have some 'tactics' (for want of a better word) of how to initiate playing with the other children? Sounds obvious but shy children don't automatically know the basics of how to start a conversation. Have you practised/'role played' with her going up to someone and asking 'what are you playing'/'can i join in?' etc.?

If they are allowed toys or whatever at playtimes then perhaps allowing her to take something into school as a bit of a 'prop' might help. I bet there's also at least one of the boys who also doesn't really want to play 'killer clowns' every day so if she can just find that person she'd be flying - although that being said one of the best social skills to develop at this age is how to join in 'someone else's game' that may not be exactly what you want to play for the sake of making friends - it's easy for the shy ones to get a bit rigid and fearful, only wanting to play games on their terms.

I know you've already spoken to school but perhaps one more conversation to ask if there are any other slightly quieter/gentler children she could approach to play with if she feels brave enough?

Original poster

suspended · 17/12/2019 13:51

Potentially we could ask to have her moved class. My partner suggested that we ask her to be moved as well.

Also, we actually suggested it to the school after the bullying. Our daughter has been the last in a line of cannon fodder for the 3 bullies (other girls have been targeted over the years) and we said that we potentially wanted her moved because they weren't dealing with it correctly.

Its this weird child phenomenon of 'not playing with people outside of your class that's the issue I think. We have been encouraging her to try and play with the boys and girls from the other class and she's horrified at the thought 'oh I cant play with X, they're from class 6!' etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

suspended · 17/12/2019 13:54

Shes actually not shy at all, I think that's why she flies under the radar of teachers seeing that she has needs at times.

She's a confident girl, but lacks social skills to make friends if that makes sense? She could, however, join in a conversation with a group of adults and have a competent conversation about most things.

She has never been great at making friends if i think about it.

OP posts:

stargirl1701 · 17/12/2019 13:58

Ask the school to set up some cross class opportunities so that she can develop friendships beyond her own class.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 17/12/2019 13:58

Ask the school to mover her class. Don't even hesitate. My DD who's 10 no longer plays with the girl she was best friends with for 5 years because they are in different classes. She will hopefully soon forget the bullies and the bullies will forget her. Girls are so horrible to each other. I'm sorry you are going through such a worrying time.

Singsongbird · 17/12/2019 13:59

Does she go to any after school activities or know anyone in the other years? My DD often plays with girls from the year below. She might form friendships in her lunchtime clubs. If she could make friends outwith her class it might take the pressure off and she'd venture outside.

maxelly · 17/12/2019 14:00

So maybe what she needs is a bit of a 101 on making friends then? How to initiate conversation, how and when to play along with the 'rules'/theme of whatever game they are playing and when/how to suggest your own ideas? Some ideas of topics of conversation/questions to ask that are suitable for conversations with other children, that kind of thing?

Only my thought (not evidenced) but I think very clever DC who are confident in adult company are often the ones that struggle with socialising with their peers, perhaps they are academically ahead but emotionally behind? Which can make them a target for bullies which just then causes a vicious circle. And often teachers don't see it because they come across as fine, confident to speak up etc. in the classroom, but actually they really need help with the social side of things just as much as their classmates need help with maths or english? Sadly I don't think there's such a thing as a friendship coach/tutor so you might have to fill in the gaps yourself?

Original poster

suspended · 17/12/2019 14:08

I agree with the last statement. I think the teachers are just seeing her as academically sound, speaks up in class, is frequently picked as an ambassador for stuff (she is a class counsellor) but don't know that shes not made any friends.

She does guitar lessons, piano lessons (lunchtime) and Brownies (she LOVES Brownies). So alongside choir and newspaper, she has plenty on!

I've just read a few articles and a psychologist recommends organising playdates so that she can spend time one to one with kids from her class/yea. She does have a couple of close friends who would call her 'best' frinds but neither go to her school.

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selmabear · 17/12/2019 14:12

I ate my lunch in the toilets in high school due to bullies but I was 14, breaks me heart to hear of a 7 year old having to do it 😣 I was going to suggest moving schools until i saw your reply saying it's not possible. Are the school aware of what your daughter is doing during break times? I'm appalled if they haven't noticed for themselves! If they aren't aware I suggest you ask for a meeting ASAP with the school and also with the school nurse. Keep communication open with the school, don't let them fob you off, ask for fortnightly meetings to see how your dd is coping. I think its important to get your daughter as much support as possible.

BlackInk · 17/12/2019 14:14

How about inviting someone from her class round to play at home? It could be the girl who usually plays with the boys at school, or it could be one of the girls who speaks another language -- I bet they would appreciate someone taking the time to include them. Or it could be a boy. My DD is also 7 and her closest friend at school is a boy. Try different children until you find someone your DD gels with. It's hard when they feel awkward/reluctant to join in, but it's also possible that you don't hear the whole story from your DD. I very much doubt that teachers/lunch staff would allow a 7 year old to hide in the toilets all breaktime...

Juliette20 · 17/12/2019 14:15

I'd ask the school to move her to the parallel class if there is one.

It seems horribly unbalanced.

SpoonBlender · 17/12/2019 14:16

I'm quite surprised that a 7yo girl would be actively expected not to interact with the boys. En masse games sure, avoid those if they're rough/scary, but why is it apparently totally assumed that she won't be able to make singular friends within the cohort?

hazeyjane · 17/12/2019 14:22

My dd1 went through some similar issues in year 4/5 at school.
Things that helped...
-Taking a small sketchbook into school (gave her something to do when she was on her own)

ELSA sessions at school
having a job that she did regularly at school
CAMHS - this may not be applicable with your dd, but we were lucky to get referred and to be seen quickly (her anxiety had started to lead to some obsessive and self harming behaviour and affecting her sleep plus some other factors were in play) and talking to someone outside of the family helped as did strategies to help rationalise stuff.
move to secondary school (where things got worse, then different, then better)
time and a growing acceptance of the sort of person she is and that she doesn't have to be like everyone else, and it is ok to enjoy being at home etc

She is 13 now, and has a small but lovely group of friends, enjoys school (but still gets anxiety at the start 9f every term) and some very full sketchbooks!

It is a really hard thing to help navigate them through...

ilovepuggies · 17/12/2019 14:23

Hello I would definitely talk to her teacher / head of key stage about moving classes.

Maybe also look into some after school clubs where she can meet children from other classes and also look at beavers / rainbows in your school locality as this will give her the opportunity to meet a wider range of children at her school.

I really feel for her and it sounds as this is having a huge impact on her emotional well being.

When she starts talking about some new children get to know their parents a little and invite them over for a play.

calllaaalllaaammma · 17/12/2019 14:44

Is there boy in the class that you could invite round?
My son is friends with girls and had a best friend who was a girl in the infants.
If not I’d move classes, it is awful when your children have problems like this, I know.

Original poster

suspended · 17/12/2019 15:37

Yes, I'd say of all her friends the best one in her class is a boy, but he is one of the ones playing killer clowns. I have tried to tell her just to join in and try and play along but she said 'I don't understand the game and they know all the horror characters'

I will have a serious discussion with Dh tonight about potentially asking to have her moved class as I dont want this year to be a complete write off.

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