Was this abuse of a sort?

[Changedmyname222]

NC as may be identifiable...
So this does keep me awake at night sometimes and I just don't know if I'm justified in my anger and upset...I tell myself that I'm just being dramatic it's not that bad but it would be nice to get an impartial view. Never told anyone in real life.
Two family members not immediate family but close when I was a child were rather cruel to me. They were only 6 and 7 years older than me. When I was left alone with them they would play awful tricks on me like making me eat chilli seeds and slugs, making me jump out my skin and scaring me. I was a very sensitive child anyway. So my parents let them baby sit me maybe once or twice over the course of about 10 years. The first time they showed me explicit porn on our family computer I would have been about 7. I didn't know what sex was and it was highly confusing but until I was an adult I didn't realise how wrong that was.
When I was about 12 one family member baby sat me and they made me sit on their lap and had an erection and made it poke me through clothing. I was a very naiive child and just thought oh they must just move by themselves involuntary but now I am an adult again I realise that this is quite sick.

I kept thinking god what if more happened but I've blocked it out but I dont think so as I remember those incidents so clearly. I never told my dad as he was very very fiery and protective and would have probably killed my family member (not joking) then he died when I was a teen and I felt I couldn't ever tell my mum as she will shoulder the burden and the past cannot be changed.
One person I am no longer in contact with but the other one I am and it's always been a bit awkward round him. However he is a very nice decent person and everyone loves him in the family.

Yes it is sexual abuse. You weren't a willing participant and although they may have seen it as 'high jinx', they knew what they were doing and it was repeated on many occasions.

It's obviously bothering you and you are trying to deal with it by rationalising and minimising your feelings. Are you able to access some counselling to get a safe space to explore what happened to you?

The family member who you still see may be seen as a 'nice decent person' but he didn't behave this way to you in the past. What he did was wrong and not your fault. You were a vulnerable child. Abusers are often two faced and present an acceptable face in public.

Yes. I'm afraid it is, OP. I suggest talking to someone about it. If not your mum, do you have a sister? Friend? Therapist?

Yes this is definitely abuse, OP. I had something similar when I was around the same age and although it affected me and still does, I always seemed to brush it off. We do this and doubt ourselves because it makes it easier for us to deal with it. Being exposed to pornography at that age is abuse in itself.
I put off telling anybody for many years and to be honest, it didn't make it any easier or change anything, but talking to a therapist is a good option and can benefit you so much. I'm sorry OP, wishing you the best xx

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Feels nice to know I'm not crazy! I will definitely look into counselling I think I need it, well clearly after so many years it's still an issue for me.