Low contact and Christmas

[A1A1]

Just wondering how others who are LC with relatives feel at this time of year?

This time last year I’d not long lost my DDad and my relationship with my DM deteriorated. So it was all very raw and somewhat difficult to process. This year, the new normal (getting over DDad, LC with DM) has sunk in, things don’t hurt so much and I’ve processed a lot (found a great counselor, though have stopped now). I’m still angry with DM, and find the whole situation quite sad really. She could’ve tried so much more, she could’ve apologized, she could’ve taken responsibility. But she hasn’t. Her behaviour has caused this and what was for a long time just a difficult relationship has now tuned into something so very distant where she’s missed out on so much.

She has stepped up the contact a bit in the last couple of weeks but doesn’t appear to be making any attempt to address the actual issues. So I still feel guarded, and overall not really enough of an effort for me to feel like I can just carry on like nothing’s happened.

We are on holiday for Christmas which will be lovely, but I wish wish wish I had a big cozy day planned with close and extended family instead. I’m sure I’m romanticizing Christmas in my head really but I’m envious of everyone who ‘loves this time of year and couldn’t imagine spending it anywhere else other than with family’.

I feel pity that my own mother has random plans without her children and grandchildren (my sibling is NC with her). She could make it so different, but she’s not.

Years of difficult Christmases due to DM has tainted this time of year, it’s never felt magical, and instead has felt awkward, guilt-ridden and anxious since I was a kid. I feel like I’m letting my own kids down by not really getting the magic of it all, and of course I blame DM for this too.

I feel conflicted as it’s probably easiest overall to be LC, but I guess I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

Sending love to anyone else in a similar situation which is somehow intensified at this time of year.

Stop watching all those Christmas films where everyone is happy & cheerful & a huge extended family all get together & get along & have a fantastic.

That is not real life.

Real life Christmas have muttered asides, lost presents, missing key ingredients, late &/or early arrivals, tears, laughter, rows etc etc

Enjoy your time with your kids, make your own traditions and relax. Things don't have to be perfect your kids just want you to be there with them & to have fun together.

I haven’t actually watched any Christmas films for many years now.

We do have our own traditions and I don’t care about making it perfect.

It’s more that it’s a time of year that highlights how broken some of my key relationships are.

I hear you op. If only it was so easy as don't watch Xmas films. It's like a bereavement, missing something you want so bad and you can't have. It's painful.
Hopefully over time the pain will lesson.

I texted DM This morning to say we’d be out all day, and given what we had on plus the time difference that I’d call her at approx X o’clock. She wrote back with some niceties. Then she didn’t pick up the phone when I tried to call her at said time. I tried 3 times over the course of 1.5hrs and no reply. I texted again (hours ago now) to say I tried to call but no response to that either.

I don’t get it. Things are hanging so delicately between us... Why not try to make them a tiny bit better instead of worse? Sometimes I think LC is such a sorry waste of time and that I should just be the bigger person and let be bygones be bygones... then there’s this weird random contact but no real response thing and I’m back to thinking wtf again.

I’m gutted for my DC - my DF just doesn’t care enough to bother with them. They’re his only GC and I’m not sure he could pick the youngest one (5) out in a lineup. His loss.

Surround yourselves with people who genuinely love and care for you and your kids and actually want to give as well as take. You’ve made a new family - enjoy them and take a decision to break the cycle of shit parenting. That’s what we are hoping to do....

It's crap but it gets better.

I don't care now. I have lovely Christmas times now. No toxic behaviour. Yes it's sad, but I'm only here once. My family is DH and kids and they will not suffer what I did. I broke the cycle.

Set yourself free. You can't change it. You can embrace it though.

We’re in a similar situation. PIL are LC with us. They live down the road and we were hoping for an invitation for Christmas, but none was forthcoming. I feel so sad for our DC. PIL spend more time with SIL’s DC and they literally live on the other side of the world.

It’s heartbreaking 😢.

I just feel she could try. Try to patch things up. She’s very confrontational so usually doesn’t gloss over things or best around the bush, but she’s just not addressing anything. So then because when she is in touch she pretty much carries on as if things are just fine, I feel like I’m the unreasonable one as I know I’m still guarded, keeping her at a distance and generally not giving her anything either.

The little girl in me is crying out for her mum. I do desperately want her to apologise and day she feels terrible for letting things get to this point. I cannot imagine not wanting to clear the air with my DC.... but then DM is never in the wrong, she’s always the person wronged.

Ah well the festive season is nearly over. Thank fuck.

Hugs to those of you in similar situations.

I feel happy.

LC with Mum which is for the best, she is toxic to all her children. My DCs (grown up) love their nan & go over for Christmas. That's fine with me.

We're up all night Christmas Eve. Me, DP (who they call Dad), DCs & their partners having a good laugh, watching films listening to music etc. & thats exactly how I like it. My beloved ones all around me.

I just can't waste my life worrying about my Mum. Why should I waste my years handwringing? Where will it get me? I feel lucky to have people I love and who love me in my life. I'd not want to be my Mum with not 1 of her children wanting to spend time with her, due to sly deceitful behaviour for years, & wanting to set her children against each other.

My Dad is OK although I don't see him much as he emigrated years ago. I don't allow him to speak to me about mum as he knew what she was like and did nothing, so I don't want to hear his opinion now.

Sorry you feel as you do OP. For me things are much better without parents' nonsense in my life and I hope it's the same for you, in time. I feel free.

Generally I do feel free, and I genuinely don’t know what I would get from being in contact with her. She’s doesn’t give me what I need, I don’t comply with her, so we’re kind of stuck.

And I need to remind myself that her behaviour was appalling at a terrible time, and if she will not or cannot apologise or attempt to resolve things that is her choice.

I need to remind myself of that, and also that LC is a way of protecting myself, and I’m not doing it to punish her. I just keep slipping into thinking I’m being mean and this duration of LC is worse than what she’s done.... I suspect this is how it’s playing out in her head - that she’s being punished and 18+ months of LC from me far outweighs anything she ever did/said. I must not fall into this trap.

Ah the joys of narc parents at this time of year. I must not let the headfuck bother me.....