Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Going for days out with DD and her dad (my ex)

15 replies

Trimbushno5 · 16/12/2019 11:29

Name change as I think my Dsis is on here.

Me and my ex were together 8 years before we had DD, but after we had her he fell into a Sort of depression, by the time she was 6 months old it was a miserable house, he kept missing work which caused a lot of arguments, staying in bed til late in the mornings, not helping so much etc
Said he felt too much pressure and overwhelmed.

We split when DD was 11 months old as we figured we would both be happier for her if we lived apart. This turned out to be true and DD is almost 2 now.

He sees her 3/4 times a week, sometimes he has her alone but sometimes we take her out together (usually once or twice a week) we go to soft play or the park or swimming and then to a cafe/restaurant with her. She’s really happy when we are all together, she loves being alone with each of us too of course but when we are together she gets so excited and you can tell she feels happy that we get along.

We do seem to get on better now we don’t live together but I don’t think we would ever get back together, if we did and ended up splitting again it could be very confusing and upsetting for DD. I do feel guilty that she doesn’t have both of her parents living together.

Anyway, my parents don’t really like Ex as they think he’s a coward for leaving us etc. I can see it from their point of view and don’t think they are being unreasonable. They don’t like it that we take DD out together as they say split up couples don’t do this and why can’t DD just see him alone all the time.

There’s now a massive argument going on with me and my parents to do with Xmas day.

Ex will be having DD 10am- 4pm at his parents and then I’ll have her for the evening and night. However we both thought it’d be nice if Ex came over at about 8am so she could open some of her presents with us both, I know DD will like having us both there on Xmas morning. We were going to do this about 8am-10am then Ex would take DD to his parents and I’d go to mine.

My parents think this is absurd and I need to meet a new man now as I’m running out of time to get married and DD won’t care anyway if she doesn’t see us both together on days out. I personally don’t think taking DD out once a week with Ex is weird, nor is spending two hours together with her on Xmas day. I get on with Ex which I’m very glad about but on my side at least there’s no feelings towards him and we haven’t done anything since splitting which could be seen as flirting or anything.

So my final question I suppose is are we weird for doing this? Are there any other separated parents who take their DC out together? Am I the only one Confused

OP posts:
Trimbushno5 · 16/12/2019 11:29

Wow didn’t realise that was so long!

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 16/12/2019 11:32

I agree it's weird but it is def not your dps business...
They can voice their opinions if they are genuinely worried but how you choose to conduct your life with ex is a keep their beak out situation!!

bungleZippy12 · 16/12/2019 11:40

You’re not weird for doing this! If you are then I am too as I do this each year.

My ex and I were together 9 years when we split and our DD was 3. She’s now 13. He has been to mine for every Xmas morning since then to open her pressies with her. Every other year he then takes her to his or to family as she’s always wanted to be home for Xmas eve night.

Lots of my friends thought it was a bonkers set up but we’ve always got along and it’s about our child not us. It’s worked well for her and she told me this week that she appreciates the fact we were able to always do this.

This year actually her father is also staying to Xmas dinner as he’s single for the first time in years and she didn’t want him to be by himself. We have zero emotional attachment to one another but mutual respect really.
More importantly we adore our DD and she is so looking forward to it.

I work in the family court and know this isn’t for everyone but it’s worked well for us as a family. We co-parent well together basically.

You shouldn’t be put off by any comments anyone else makes. as long as there’s no ulterior motives on your or his side going on, then why not allow him to come and open pressies with you and your child?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Trimbushno5 · 16/12/2019 11:47

Ahh Bungle that’s really nice to know your DD appreciates all this. I’m hoping DD will grow up the same, I don’t want her to grow up thinking we hate each other.

I can’t speak for Ex as I’m not entirely sure of his intentions but I can safely say I’m not interested in getting back together with him. I’ve not been single for a while and it’s actually really nice to just be on my own for a bit. I’m enjoying it for now and I know I’ll be ready again one day.

I suppose people who are cynical like my parents maybe think we could be getting back together if we spend time together?

Definitely not the case! I’m loving having my king sized bed to myself!

OP posts:
sexandthecityagain · 16/12/2019 12:00

For now whilst your both single and your daughter enjoys it why not. But once one of you enters a new relationship I think the boundaries will need to be reassessed.

TuttiCutie · 16/12/2019 12:07

Part of me wonders whether he likes these family days out because it means he has to do fuck all other than show up - while you do all the running around and parenting?

Christmas morning - meh - I imagine that happens in lots of separated families.

Floralnomad · 16/12/2019 12:10

Coming over Christmas morning to do present opening is not odd at all and it’s nice that you all get along well enough to do it . I think the days out together are a bit odd , you are not together .

Trimbushno5 · 16/12/2019 12:19

@TuttiCutie
You could have a point there, although he does have her to sleep and days at his house alone

Maybe it is weird Grin it’ll obviously become less and less especially when one of us meets someone new. We also only see each other for maybe 4/5 hours a week, eg DD has just started baby ballet so we will watch her there together then after go for something to eat and maybe park, this is just once on a weekend so not too often

OP posts:
happymrsc · 16/12/2019 12:26

I have no experience as part of a couple but I have been the child in this scenario. I no longer speak to my father (my choice) but honestly some of my best memories as a child are of the scenarios you describe... it must have been so hard for my mum, he cheated on her and she kicked him out when I was 1.5 but until I was about 12 she worked so hard to make sure they never argued in front of me (I say 'she' rather than 'they' because unfortunately he was saying manipulative, nasty things about her to me when it was just us so I don't think he deserves that credit!). We didn't spend every Christmas all together but there were multiple ones he was there for some or all of it. We used to go on family days out sometimes. This was despite him on multiple occasions not turning up when he'd planned or being un-contactable when he was meant to be ringing me but she did a marvellous job of supporting our relationship and never ever put her own (assumably scathing) opinions of him onto me. Whilst we don't speak now I have a great deal of gratitude and admiration for my mum for managing it all as well as she did, there was truly as little impact on me as she could manage.

I think what you're doing is amazing and would be exactly what I'd strive for if, god forbid, me and my husband were to part ways

happymrsc · 16/12/2019 12:28

Just to clarify... great relationship with mum, it's 'dad' I don't speak to

JeanMichelBisquiat · 16/12/2019 12:42

My parents split very acrimoniously when I was a young adult, but one of the hardest things about it for me was the loss of any family unit, and the certainty that each parent who'd made me really despised the other one and couldn't even be in the same room. Not a great feeling as their child.

I think that as long as your DD is clear that the small amount of time together as a family unit is not a precursor to you getting back together as a couple, then it's really lovely for her to feel that you're both focused on her happiness and able to still parent as a team even if you're separated. So few parents achieve this - I reckon you should be really proud of yourselves.

marchingonwithmother · 16/12/2019 12:42

It's not weird, it's great!

And it's got nothing to do with your parents

JeanMichelBisquiat · 16/12/2019 12:44

But like others, you'll need to be careful how you negotiate things and change/sustain this if you do ever find a new partner to share the king sized bed Wink

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/12/2019 12:44

If it works for you (and it sounds like it does) just ignore your parents.

They don't get to dictate how you live your life.

I’m running out of time to get married

That's just offensive! Tell them to sod off.

maidenover · 16/12/2019 13:02

I think what you are doing is absolutely brilliant! Having parents who get on even if they aren’t together is such a positive experience for your child. If your family can’t see this then more fool them.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page