I have rage over an incident that hsppened 8 years ago.

[TheLightSideOfTheMoon]

Tl;dr version:

Witnessed a nurse assault an elderly lady in a nursing home I wotked in. Reported it. Badly. Still wish I'd done it differently.

Went to the NMC Council (like 3 years later) and she was struck off.

That happened 8 years ago today.

I was assaulted, threatened, lied about, slandered and hounded out of my job. It led to a year long breakdown which affected EVERYTHING.

I can't get over it. I can't move on. Every year at this time I plummet into a funk and feel shite for days.

How do I get over it?

Seriously. How?

I can tell you how I got over something which was, perhaps, not of an entirely dissimilar magnitude.

I was raped, threatened by my rapist, then spent a decade in fear of him, getting threatening messages etc. It turned out the messages were from my dearest friend, posing as the rapist to keep me emotionally dependent on him. After I confronted him, he lied to my employer that I’d committed gross misconduct. I was fired, and didn’t have the strength left to fight the dismissal. I had a breakdown.

I only got over it once I forgave - the friend, the rapist, the employer, the lot of them. It’s an unreasonable thing to suggest, but I couldn’t move on until I did. And when I feel angry, I forgive them all over again.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time.

@FriedasCarLoad you forgave? Wow. You're astonishing.

And do you see any of them now? Have they apologised?

Have you had any counselling op?

The rapist is in another country. I haven’t seen him since. I wrote to him to tell him that I forgave him. I don’t know if it would have reached him and I was too afraid to give him any other means to contact me.

I moved to a different part of the country after being wrongfully dismissed. I sometimes visit but have never seen him. I also wrote to him to tell him I forgave him.

The friend - hardest to forgive by far. I saw him a couple of times in the year after I realised, at a wedding and a birthday. I don’t know what he told all our other friends, but they all stayed friends with him and most of them cut contact with me. It still hurts sometimes.

I can forgive I’ve been forgiven a lot and because I believe that they (or someone) will pay for what they’ve done, one day. (I’m a Christian).

It was hard to forgive but the bitterness ate me up before. And now I decide to love them. Albeit from a safe distance at the moment!

(Sorry, hope that wasn’t preachy. But it was relevant).

Counselling is a really good idea. It helped me a lot at one point.

You were brave. You had integrity. You didn't report it badly. You reported it as you were able to do at the time, if you could do it any other way you would.

In the end, you got a dangerous person removed from working with vulnerable people. You did the right thing and sometimes doing the right thing means you pay the price. It's a huge thing to do. A LOT of people would not take the risk.

However, think about it again, how would you feel if you didn't say anything. If you turned the blind eye?

Be proud of yourself.

What I wanted to leave you here is something I found very powerful when I grappled with forgiving someone who abused me. Until I heard this I don't think I got the power of forgiveness. This is a Holocaust survivor who talks about forgiveness in a very specific context. It's only a few minutes but it packs a helpful punch.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p02pw8cg

Wow! Holy shit Friedascarload that's amazing, but you're right. The only chance you have to save yourself and to free your mind is to forgive (although it might seem impossible) and try to move on from this awful injustice.
I'm reading a book at the moment called The Choice. It might help you in some small way: www.bookdepository.com/Choice-Edith-Eger/9781846045127

@FriedasCarLoad that's one horrific story.

But not to detract from @TheLightSideOfTheMoon post, you did what you were able to do at the time. A good 10 years ago I worked in a jewish care Home as a cook, I had to take on a carers role alot and I witnessed staff using milk during passover. Fucking disgusting

Stop blaming yourself.
You didn’t report the assault badly because the nurse was struck off based on your report and evidence. This means you did everything right

What was done to you was constructive dismissal. You were deliberately victimised for being a whistleblower and doing the right thing. You are better off no longer working with such toxic people. They tore you down and even now you think the loss of your job, your breakdown was your fault. It was not. They engaged in an assault on your mental well-being and your reputation which is as bad as any physical assault. You and the elderly lady are both victims in this.

So stop blaming yourself. And hopefully you are now working with human beings instead of vipers.

Your post reads that you did nothing wrong. However lots of wrong was done to you. Is that correct? (The way you went about reporting is immaterial aside from how it allowed the situation to affect you).

If I'm reading it right then you don't need to get over the trauma of what you did but of what was done to you because of it. The first step is accepting that you did the tight thing. The second step is separating your right thing from their wrong thing(s)

*right

You did the right thing. There is never a situation where reporting events like that is wrong. There are good ways, better ways, more difficult ways - but never wrong ways. You did the right thing.

I think there’s an expression something like ...being bitter is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. This helped me with being bitter and not being able to move on.

Every time I thought about it I was like, Right that’s time out of my life for no reason. They don’t deserve for me to waste my time or my feelings on. I would focus on something I love instead. Like my children.

If you reported this person and they got struck off, to never nurse again then THATS how you get over it. You done an amazing thing and won! You have got rid of another fuckpig out a system that is meant to care and protect people. Well done

Well done for getting them struck off. Being a whistle blower was very damaging to me. But at least I can sleep at night.
I wish you well for the future