how do I learn to share my partners time with his kids

[kazlr]

Hi I'm really hoping someone can help me. I have been with my partner for 5 years and he has 2 kids (18 &15). He is at the point of leaving me because of my behaviour when he sees them as my mood changes and I become quiet. I recognise he is right and want to fix it but I don't know how. I have a good relationship with the son (18) but not the daughter as we have nothing in common to chat about and apparently she no longer wants to come round due to me. I need to fix this but don't know how

Hmm. If it's just that you become quiet and fade into the background when the DSC are around then I think he is being unreasonable. There must be more to it than that? Can you give us examples?

so I do go very quiet and can then be off with him. Its more around when he decides to pop and see them.

How often is this happening?

Have you been like that for the whole 5 years?

It sounds like the DD feels you don't like her or want here there.

Why do you behave like that?

He is doing the right thing. If you havent managed to build a relationship with his daughter in the last 5 years you never will and now she is so sick of your sulky behaviour she is unlikely to want to try. He is being a good dad and putting his kids first.

Next time, please dont get into a relationship with a man with children. It is very unfair on them.

How do you react when he says “oh kazrl I’m off to see DC”? I’d imagine your facial expressions speak volumes.

How do you feel when he goes to see them? Jealous / left out? Unless you can work out how you feel you will struggle to change your facial expressions! Xx

Why dont you want him to see his kids? Do you have any kids?

it happens more when they its not planned. They currently come round separately in the week so they can have dedicated time with their dad. I cook tea and then they go off together and do stuff and then they come roughly every other weekend depending on what their plans are and we try and do stuff together but the daughter tends to go to her room, I tried very hard in the beginning to make the conversations etc and got no reply so rightly or wrongly I have become as quiet as her when she is around. Which I recognise I should be better than and I need to apologise as she no longer wants to come round. In terms of when he decides to see them out of this I think its because I didn't see in the plan or whether I am being selfish or what I just don't know but I do know I do go very cold on him.

I think I feel left out when he goes to see them

Why can't he go and see his kids whenever he wants? As long as you don't have dedicated plans, what's the problem?

It sounds like you're punishing him for these spontaneous visits.
Tbh, it sounds like you should go your separate ways as this sounds past the point of repair

he can - I think cos I am quite a structured person it throws me when its not in the plan for that day

You sound like a child, you're clearly not mature enough for this kind of relationship so it would be kinder to everyone for you to walk away.

Then you need to work on your reaction.

I think he's right to consider calling time on the relationship - his children take priority, and rightly so.

Presumably this started when his daughter was a ten year old little girl? I think this falls on you and with kindness, you need to get over yourself. Can’t you just act fine? Eventually that will form a habit.

Up to you obviously. but - they are his children & apart from any familial bond at 18 & 15 he's known them a lot longer than you. That sounds harsh I know but decide if you want the chap because obviously his children will be part of it. If they need to slot into definite plans well maybe reconsider the whole thing. I know that sounds hard but , a view . I hope you find a way to resolve this one way or another

Even if you had valid grievances with your partner - and it doesn’t sound like you do - silent treatment, sulking and “going cold” is aggressive behaviour, at best, or emotionally abusive at worst.

Building relationships with step DC can be hard, but you’re the adult and treating your step DC like this is crappy too.

Honestly you sound jealous and controlling...as well as quite unaware that you are jealous and controlling. If you make him chose between you and his DCs he will chose his DCs and good for him, so your only choice is to work on yourself. Perhaps it is not possible to build a good relationship with your DSD but being sulky, grumpy and uncommunicative is obstructive and you need to stop. You also need to become more flexible, these are his DCs they can pop by out of schedule.

Start by apologising for starters. To all 3 of them. You've basically been having huge sulking sessions when your around his 15 year old daughter. Who's the child here OP?!

It sounds as though you have made a child feel uncomfortable visiting their dad for the last 5 years. Now that child is a teen and starting to have their own opinion they are deciding they don't need to put up with that.

Your partner is quite rightly prioritising his child. I honestly don't know what you can do to fix the last 5 years. It will require significant effort from you and a willingness from the children to give you a chance.

thank you everyone for your feedback.