11 year old possibly not eating

[ThereIsTooMuchConfusion]

Dd is nearly 12. In year 7. She is walking to school and it’s 1.9 miles from our home so she is walking nearly 4 miles a day. She has always been slim. Over the summer hols she is looking more womanly and started to get a bit of a more rounded figure (never has she or I mentioned anything).

Anyway since she has been walking to school she has lost weight and is skinnyYou can see her ribs etc within 2-3months. A few people have commented wow you’re looking so slim that walking is doing you good! (Which irks me)

She has school dinners. I went to top up her account as I haven’t done it since beginning of Oct. and there is still a balance of £38 from £50 I put in weeks ago. I looked into what she has been buying and she just buys a bottle of water a day. I asked her about it. I know she doesn’t have breakfast. So I said that’s a long time to go with no food. She said she is not hungry and likes to hang with her friends (who also don’t eat lunch).

What should I do? I don’t want to make this a big deal but then again if this is the start of something I want to handle it well.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

I don't have any real advice of my own, but this website might be helpful while you're waiting for someone to come along. www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

However, it is possible she is genuinely just more bothered about seeing her friends and "fitting in" than about eating, in which case would she take a snack or something to eat from home to eat while she's hanging out? Probably worth a try

I think you’re right to be concerned. That’s a long time to go without food and it’s hard to believe a growing child would not be hungry if they didn’t eat for most of the day especially as they’re walking a good distance too in addition to whatever physical activity the school week involves.

The website beateatingdisorders.co.uk has some good advice for family members and friends of someone they’re concerned about and also has a phone helpline too.

It could be that DD is finding it difficult to get her head around her changing body and the peer pressure to be very slim/thin is immense so it’s not unreasonable to assume that she along with a group of like-minded friends are going without lunch in order to keep their weight down. It has to be handled in a careful way and you need to keep a careful eye on here as denial of any problem is a symptom of the disorder itself. The earlier any intervention the better the chance there is of getting her back on track. If you are worried then trust your instinct and get some advice as to how best to broach it with DD and what you can do to help.

Crossed post with bathplugbonkers. I forgot to say I was anorexic in my late teens to mid 20s as was my DD. There would be no way either of us would have admitted we had any problem if our parents voiced their concerns. Going to great lengths to deny it and to hide food and make excuses for not eating are usually highly creative and often plausible but as a parent I knew what to look for as DD was doing what I did. Things included:

Saying she’s not hungry
Saying she had a big lunch therefore doesn’t want much dinner
Eating very slowly, cutting up food into very small pieces.
Going to the toilet or out the room immediately a meal is over
Asking to have her meal/snack in her room because she’s tired/got a lot of homework etc
Increase or sudden interest in exercise
Taking an interest in cooking/baking/looking at recipes
Wanting to go food shopping with you and lots of reading of info on packages
Suddenly going vegetarian, vegan
Sneaking downstairs after bedtime to raid the fridge.
If she’s had a big meal asking for just a yoghurt or an apple at the next meal.
Eating. Very. Slowly.

Thank you, I’ll look at that website. She eats at home. But crap really. She’ll have a piece of fruit followed by crisps and whatever dinner we all eat together so I know she is eating at least one healthy meal a day. I’m not sure it’s relevant but I am over weight and short. Don’t know if this makes it worse for her.

Thanks @Probablythatone that’s really useful and helpful info. Sorry to hear you and your daughter have eating disorders. My sister did too I wondered about asking her to talk to dd but don’t want to make this a thing if it’s not and also I don’t want to trigger my sis x x

I walked nearly a mile either way to school and never once had lunch from about year 8 onwards!

We only got a 40 minute lunch so I just hung out with friends, went the loo and ate when I got home.

I didn’t have an eating disorder or any issues I just wasn’t that hungry and preferred to socialise.

@stillabitemo that’s reassuring. I don’t want to over react about it but equally don’t want to Ignore it either. I used to miss dinner sometimes at school to save money 😆 but that can’t be the case because it’s all on an account

Thereis thankfully both DD and I managed to eat sensibly and healthily again. My DM was extremely thin and wouldn’t let me diet when I was a bit overweight at around 15/16. My DF made a not very tactful but by no means awful comment about my weight and that seemed to trigger the ‘I will diet no matter how much you refuse to let me’ mentality. And the more praise I got from friends the more I wanted to lose. It then spiralled into being totally unable to see how thin I was and inability to stop the excessive controlling of calorie intake. Not sure what was the trigger for DD but I have heard there is a genetic component. If you have the sort of relationship with your sister where you can check out how she would feel about you talking to her about your concerns over DD, I think it’s worth asking. When you’ve had an ED I do think it gives you an insight into whether there’s something to be worried about and if they recognise any worrying behaviours . First thing is not to panic. It could be that DD is not very hungry in the day but I think you are the best judge as to whether her recent behaviour is consistent with how she’s been around food and her appetite up to now. If she’s always been a hungry child then it would be strange for her appetite to decrease at a time her body is growing a lot. If she’s always eaten like a bird and has been picky then this not eating lunch would probably not be a surprise and not unusual for her.

Thanks you @Probablythatone before year 5 she was a picker and never finished a meal. Then last 2 years it’s like she can’t eat enough! And now she back to not finishing meals and not eating that much. So it’s difficult I’ll just monitor it for a while and see how it goes. If she starts refusing chocolate at Christmas I know there is a problem!!

My dd was overweight until puberty kicked in and went very quickly to looking v slim, so that may account for shape change.
If she wants to ditch lunch in favour of friends, maybe get some cereal bars/bananas/cheese strings etc in and see if she will eat one of those while she is out and about, if she can't find the time for proper lunch.

Does she eat breakfast with you guys?
Keep an eye on what she has over the hols?
I wouldnt mention anything yet.

@IdblowJonSnow breakfast is tough as I work permanent nights so she is on her own for half an hour as dh leaves for work before I can get home and she leaves before I get home. So I know she isn’t eating breakfast. I tried getting a cereal of her choice, we tried breakfast bars and even those weird cereal drinks but she refused all of them. She always has eaten breakfast before. At the weekend she will eat a cooked breakfast but leave half of it.

Mother of DD with an eating disorder here. Please keep an eye on this and intervene. If she has developed or is developing an eating disorder, the sooner you get her help the better. It’s far better to talk to her and get an idea about whether she is fearful of food, weight gain, and/or showing the symptoms I am sure you will find out more about on the Beat (or Childline) website, and that be unnecessary than it is to let the disorder get a grip over your child.

Agre with @theoscargoesto. Eating disorders are very hard to deal with once they have taken hold, and there are enough red flags here to make me very concerned.