Help - I cannot cope anymore or am I a total loser?

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MN I need help. I really need advice on how to get in control when juggling everything

I work full time Senior nurse in the NHS - 50 hours weeks are the norm. 2 hours commute each day too. Also studying too.

DCs 7 and 10. No close family to help.

Locked me and kids out of the house today so late for work, soaking wet from the rain

Everything such as dentists etc are woefully overdue.

I’m so forgetful - I’m 43 and think I’m entering the menopause as I’m hot and not sleeping and cannot remember anything

DH helps - he does lots of pick ups and drop offs

Adding in Xmas and I am just at breaking point. I cannot cannot juggle all of this Anymore

Please share coping mechanisms or tell me this is reasonable to feel like I’m drowning. Or that I need to woman up

That’s a hell of a lot on your plate. DH doesn’t need to “help”. He needs to take on his fair share of everything. What’s he doing to prepare for Christmas? Can he do some of what’s overdue? You need to reduce the load on you.

Long hours and a big job and commute as well as studying and young kids is too much op. Then throw in Christmas which I agree is really busy. It is very kind of your husband to help you out with your kids by doing some picks ups and drop offs though, like a kindly neighbour or an occasional childminder, do you see where I am going with this.....

Agree with wolfie, doing some drop offs and pick ups isn't 'helping' it's parenting. Can you pass over complete responsibility for something to him, eg medical stuff for him and the children so he is completely responsible for dentists/opticians/vaccinations/repeat prescriptions? Don't chase him up or check he's done it, just pass it over.

Also Christmas, what parts can he take over? Gifts for extended family, meal planning and grocery shopping, organising Christmas activities for the children, decorating the house. Again just point out you're overwhelmed and you need him to take on more, so he can sort xyz.

Life in general, insurance renewals, organising a cleaner, online grocery shopping and anything else that takes too much head space for you.

New year is a really good time to change things up at home, and don't forget you're not asking him to help, you're asking him to share family responsibilities.

Work out what time you each have spare and utilise it. If you don't get a lunch break but he has an hour to himself, can he do the grocery shopping online and just put the time it's booked for in the shared family calendar? Also sourcing presents for birthday parties, order from prime and add a note to the calendar that says present sorted, along with a photo of the invite so important details aren't forgotten.

I think it's easy to take on these jobs and add to the over the years without ever stopping to assess how the workload is shared

Could you put the studying on hold?
Is it impossible to perhaps start looking for a role closer to home to cut down your commute? Do you drive?
Realistic to think about cutting your hours?
Could he tweak his working hours/days to complement family life?( Money vs quality of life)
In the meantime could you have one day a week to spend on yourself and getting on top of all the little tasks that add up? DH could take DC out for a few hours?

Agree with all the previous good advice. Also, if you think you are peri menopausal, get checked at the doctors (they can do a blood test), then explore options to support you through it (supplements, hrt, etc).

Can you cut down on your hours or change jobs?

Work more locally perhaps?

I would say that those are symptoms of stress, not necessarily menopause. It sounds as though something has to give - options as I see them are: your DH doing more in terms of household stuff; getting signed off work with stress for a bit; taking a break from studying; reducing your hours in the short or long term; apply for a job with less stress and/or closer to home.

Hope you can get a break over Christmas!?

You are not a loser - anyone would struggle with all that on their plate. You're super-human to have kept it going this far.

It's hard to say from the outside what you need to drop - I might say eg. postpone the study, but that might be the thing that actually makes you feel the most like you, so is worth holding on to.

This time of year is a great time to take stock and see what you can drop or delegate to others. Sit down and write a list: what absolutely has to be done? Can it be done by someone other than you? Are there things on your list that can be crossed off quickly and make you feel better? Eg. The dentist thing might be just a quick phone call. And why can't it be your DH rather than you?

Can you do a super-minimalist Christmas? It's better for children to have a low-key Christmas with a slightly more relaxed parent than a bells-and-whistles Christmas with a parent who is falling apart under the strain.

Erm dh needs to take on half not help. They are your children equally

You know he's also a parent? He could organise dentist appointments.

Thank you all for your replies - I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond.

Completely get where everyone is going re DH and how it’s needs to be more of shared responsibility. I need to find a way of ensuring he does his share of the hidden stuff rather than the transactional pick up and drop offs

I think with work I am coming to the conclusion that this is what a senior post in the NHS looks like. I am fortunate that I am in a very high level role - that has the opportunity to really influence patient care widely, but with that comes an expectation that you’ll pretty much give yourself to it. Although it breaks me, I am my best person when I am nursing.

What I’d like to achieve is to develop small strategies that just make life easier. Ways of living that help me remember stuff for example. I literally forget everything - even if I write it down I loose the list etc.

I use lists on my phone, download a 'to do list' app. It means you can keep all your lists in one place and you are less likely to lose them (unless you lose your phone). Its easy to tick things off and they 'disappear ' rather than end up with a messy bit of paper with lots of crossings out and items you have to copy over onto a new list if you didn't get it done.
Lower your standards and/or out source as much as you can, e.g. get a cleaner.
Lower expectations around Christmas, scale it back to a nice lunch with a couple of presents for the children.
Don't over think present buying for other family members, and maybe handle things for next year by suggesting no presents to wider family. And certainly no cards.
Get a regular weekly food delivery of what you use. Meal plan (and stick to it). Have a weekly meal plan on a 6 week rotation so you don't even have to think about it after the first 6 weeks.

I use a weekly planner pad.
Plan the weekly shop once I’ve decided what to cook. (What I can be arsed to cook!)
Batch cook when I can.
If you’re both working can you get a cleaner?
I use a laundry sorter. Makes it easy to see when I can put a load on.
Are kids old enough to help? Stack dishwasher? Sort out uniform for the morning? Pack school bags? Strip bedding? Put clean washing away?
DH and I have assigned roles. I cook. He washes up! What can you delegate?
Can tech help? Set reminders etc.

I totally get where you're coming from. I work full time for NHS. Also doing some me studying type stuff (not exactly studying but complex extra work related stuff!) I have 4 dc at home, 2at uni. Christmas is just about tipping me over the edge!
I have 2 diaries, one for work one for him and use them for lists. In the home one I list any events/appointments/etc for kids, then lists of things I need to get done each day. I write EVERYTHING! I check my lists several times a day! I fairness I don't have a long commute which helps as I get lots done in a morning before I leave home. I try to stick with routines to keep on top of everything eg quick clean round bathroom every morning, wash load on, tidy ds2 bedroom. Etc. I do get up very early to fit everything in though! It is always super stressful that s time of year, I just keep telling myself it will get better after Christmas!