How do you get over the loneliness?

[lonelymam]

I don't know why my emotions have just hit me. I have asperger's so this is a common occurrence (keeping emotions in)
I am so lonely.
I'm a single sahm.
I've never been well enough to work so have no friends from there. I've never been well enough to study so have no friends from there.
My only friends are the ones I grew up with but I no longer live there.
My best friend lives miles away.
I guess I just didn't contemplate how lonely parenting can feel.
I speak to my mum over the phone but she seems disinterested in my lo's first steps etc.
Who do you share these things with?
I have no family support. I've never had a minute away from dc.
I'm just so lost. I'm so down.
It's difficult for me to make and maintain friendships at the best of times but in these circumstances it feels impossible. I've made some friends from mum apps etc but either they're too different from me or they're the type that talk and don't meet.
I wish my lo had friends to interact with now they're starting to walk too.
I feel to anxious to go to things like children centres and I'd feel more comfortable meeting mums one on one. But how the hell do you do this?
I love my dc and sacrifice a lot for them but there's only so long I can go with babbling. I'm just so lonely

Hi OP - I am so sorry you feel like this. Have you spoken to your health visitor or local gp? They may be able to help connect you with other mums in the area that may be suffering a little and who also don't feel up to the usual group setup. 💕

@Namaste6 Thank you so so much for replying. It means a lot.
I don't have a health visitor but I'll definitely ask my gp thank you.
This is the closest I've felt to suicide since becoming pregnant. I wouldn't do it because I have my lo but I'm just so low :(
Thank you again

Oh lovely sorry to hear you’re struggling like this.

Would there maybe be any Asperger/autism adult support groups or networks that could either help connect you with others, or perhaps provide a volunteer/support worker that could help you to be able to attend children’s centre groups etc?

Definitely speak to your GP about your mental health overall, see what talking therapy might be available and take whatever you can get, maybe look at charities like NAS or Mind might have some useful services for you?

It sounds like you’re really trying as hard as you can by yourself, it’s ok to get a little help and support with things if you need it.

Could you afford to pay for some sporadic childcare for you to have some time to yourself, even if it’s just to go for a walk or a swim or attend some kind of class or course or something (or just read a book in the bath in peace - whatever works!) - give you something that is just yours, so you’re not only Mum all the time.

I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I went through loneliness too after my first baby. I think it was because I commuted to university and for my first two jobs. When I had a year off with the baby, I had no one apart from my husband. I'm now a sahm after my second baby. I've tried hard getting to know other mums in the area. But still do not really have any friends. Maybe you could volunteer at a baby group? I hope you meet some nice friends. The baby blues and loneliness can be an awful combination. I found meditation, reiki, regular exercise and cutting out alcohol/caffeine drinks has really helped me to start feeling happy again.

Agree with another poster, MIND is a good place to drop into. Find out where yours is.

@Kyvia Thank you, too, for responding

That's a good idea actually. I haven't explored my autism too much so I don't understand it that well. It would be good to connect that way and learn more.

Regarding mental health support, I've been under mental health teams since 4 years old and I think this is the first time I've not been under anyone as I was recently discharged from my perinatal team as it hit the 1 year pp mark.
I cope really well with my depression anxiety ocd etc as it's been going on so long. So I'm not sure talking therapies etc would be beneficial as I've done a lot of this.
What is annoying, though, is my crisis team aren't that good here. Previously they would come out to you etc. But I'm going to call them tomorrow as they might have some suggestions too.

I could afford childcare but how do you do it? If that makes sense. Because dc has only ever been with me would cry instantly. :( Maybe it would be a case of getting to know them first with dc.

@Beautiful3 Sorry to hear you felt similarly.
It's difficult trying to get to know people, isn't it? You'd think with sm it would be easier but it isn't. Volunteering might be an idea actually. I'll look into it thanks. You have a good point Re caffeine, my current coke addiction probably isn't helping.

Thanks again

lonelymam, I bet there are other mothers not far from you who are in exactly the same position. Does your town/village have a website and forum? That is the sort of place where people like yourself post frankly, find out about others in the same or similar boat and keep abreast of things that go on locally. At the very least you will encounter others who have various difficulties and can give each other support.

I know you have a baby who is now walking but it sounds as though you have more children.

I'm so sorry you're not well, lonelymam and wish your mother was more helpful. However I'm sure there are things you can do, sometimes just being a good listener is enough, it's certainly a useful asset and you'd be thinking about someone else rather than your own problems.

Do take care of yourself and I promise you, this phase of your life will pass.

@Bluerussian
Yeah that is true. I live in London. I have been trying the mum apps but like I said, there's either people who don't ever meet up or there's people who will meet up but are really different to myself. There will be people like me it's just about where to meet them? Or find them even.

I only have the one dc

What do you mean sorry about listening?

I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, it's just all my emotions have hit me at once and I've ignored my loneliness for the past year. Thank you

Sorry you're feeling so down, it must be terribly hard to be everything to a little one and not have anything left for yourself.

Is there a local playgroup you could go to? You might find a cup of tea and friendly ear there. The good thing about playgroup is that if you want then you can just follow your DC around and not talk to anyone if you're nervous. Over a few sessions you'll feel a bit more at ease at striking up a conversation. You don't have to be too in depth just a 'ah I like your DC shoes etc, what lovely hair they have or something like that usually will raise a smile, you could follow with a 'how old are they' and it will either naturally start a dialogue or it's a closed enough question that you can wait for them to answer then excuse yourself if you need to.

I didn't make any 'mum friends' when I had my first DS but when I went along to the playgroup I found another mum with similar age DC and after a while we started meeting outside of the group for soft play and a coffee.

It's not easy but you do need to put yourself out there. Playgroup leaders will usually be good at looking out for isolated mums and understand the pressure you feel at going to a group. You could find one that has a Facebook page and message them first to ask about going along and then you've got a point of contact when you do go?

Anyway, just an idea.

Also does your mum/best friend know how you are feeling? Can you tell them?

to you...

I get what you say about having been managing your mental health for so long it feels like more talking therapies would be a bit pointless, I’m at that point at the moment - CBT etc has helped me understand what my issues are, where they come from and how to manage them on a day-to-day basis.....but they’re still there, it’s still an ongoing battle. I went to an OCD support group for a while, was very reluctant but willing to try anything, and it was actually surprisingly helpful to have a room full of sympathetic people listen to me, and to hear other people’s stories too - supporting others is a therapeutic act as well I feel. I also wonder sometimes whether bog standard counselling, rather than therapy, might be a good thing to have some space to talk through the current state of play with someone understanding and supportive, but who won’t judge you or try to fix you. You can get that from a Samaritans phone call (or I use their text service) but a counsellor would get to know your story properly.

Can’t answer about how to introduce childcare to your little one I’m afraid - but MN is the place to ask!

You sound so sad.. I hope you can find a solution, But if you're too anxious to go to playgroups etc then that suggests to me that you aren't coping that well. Youve had some really good suggestions on here but id say keep trying to seek help for yourself too.. In a few short years your child will be going to school and it sounds like you'd struggle with the whole school gate drop off PTA chit chat stuff which is hard to avoid. Would an activity group be easier, so the focus is on the babies rather than general small talk. I made a couple of good friends at tumble tots, baby swimming etc. Starts with a 'hello, blimey it's cold in the changing room isnt it' or whatever and works up to a coffee after the class and then a post class park visit and so on.

For a couple of online ideas- there is a website as PP mentioned called Nextdoor. This has things locally if you out in your postcode. Also I like a site called Elefriends which is a chat room run and moderated by Mind.

Have a look in your local library, they usually have things on for babies, Rhyme Time or similar. If you're too anxious to join in you could sit on the fringes while your little one potters about.

I think a baby rhyme time at a public library is a great idea, it could almost be that you just happen to be browsing the board book section when it starts and be on the fringes.

Also consider a church playgroup setting, they are often free or low cost and when you go in tell them you have an appointment so you can only stay for about 20 minutes but just wanted to see what it was like as you were passing. It will give you a workable boundary.

Regarding your comment about not really clicking with people.
I always think that the return on who people can really get on well with will be quite low. So out of 100 people maybe 1 could be an actual friend of some sort. Of the hundreds of colleagues I had over my working life I certainly liked many people enough. I also hated a few :) But four have remained really true friends for life, I have known one for almost 30 years.

The key if your anxious and I’m that way inclined though I am really good at hiding it is to ask people questions. Plus have your own anecdotes about weather, supermarkets, tv and films and other minor stuff all in a filing system in your head. DH calls is Mellivora’s i pod because it’s like instantly recalling tracks on one. I loathe small talk but I’m really decent at it.