Getting the balance between being kind and generous and being a martyr this Christmas

[boobashka]

I've invited my family (DB + wife and 2 kids) and DM and DD for Christmas. They're staying 3 nights in total. Which is great and I'm looking forward to it. DM is bringing turkey, cheeseboard and Christmas puds. I'm doing everything else. Starting to feel resentful that my DB has not offered (so far) to bring anything (eg booze, mince pies). I want to be a generous host etc, etc. But how can I not feel like a martyr when I'll doing all the cooking and B and B etc?! I know I should probably ask them to bring stuff but they have form for being a bit funny (hmm) and I don't want to spoil things before they've even arrived [big grin] Thank you

I wouldn't expect guests to bring anything if i was hosting tbh. As a guest i would make a contribution but think it's a bit weird to expect it

Give them a list. We tend to have Christmas at my parents so my siblings and I bring various things- one does desserts, another the starters and the other either drinks or the sides for the main. My mum gets the meat and potatoes. I would never expect to go for a big meal like Christmas and not bring anything

What is going to have the bigger impact, you silently resenting your brother OR risking asking him to bring some booze? How does his being "a bit funny" manifest - little verbal digs, passive aggressive comments? Can you say, as DM is bringing x,y and z, we wondered if you could bring a, b and c - just so it clarifies that others are making a contribution too.

I would send him a note, "DM is bringing xx please can you bring yy. Looking forward to seeing you all"

Job done.
Provided you have done the same if he has hosted in the past.
Ignore the muttering if any comes your way.
You shouldn't have to ask, he should have already offered when he accepted the invitation. Then you can highlight needed items or refuse the offer. He hasn't been polite so you should step up and encourage this, maybe next time he will be polite from the start.

Assuming that he hasn't hosted in the past, it is perfectly reasonable to say "can you bring booze" or whatever.

However don't do what my BIL did which was send a demand for £50 for Christmas day meal when he'd been at ours before without bringing anything major and we were also hosting Boxing Day. That was rude.
We told him we'd bring exactly the same as he'd brought the previous years to us.

I think you will get different answer from depending what part of the country your from.
If was going with my family, to another member of my family for xmas or friends . I would offer to take either a few bottles of wine plus lager cider etc . Something for dessert or a cheeseboard . To be hospitable.

Ask him to bring booze (if he and his DW drink alcohol).

For these kind of people, I always say “can you bring a bottle of something you like to drink” and then make sure it gets opened :)
We are hosting multiples and they always ask what they can bring. For those that don’t, I use the bottle trick!

How is he a ‘bit funny’?

I have this trouble, I host every year and, for the most part, family are great and offer help and to bring stuff and actually follow through with it but one Brother is just shocking. If you're lucky he'll bring beer, but a four pack just for him and then drinks a further four of mine

My advice is to just act like it's been said already. "Mum is bringing X , sis is bringing Y so that leaves Z for you to bring" and then reiterate the plans on the day/day before. "Just running through the food for tomorrow to make sure we have enough, just checking you're still bringing Z?" Don't give them an inch!

I personally think it’s really unfair to expect the host at Christmas to provide everything; in our family we either divvy up the buying of stuff or send the host some money to cover it. Then we all muck in with preparing the meal.

As it’s four of them I would just ask them what they can contribute.

I agree with straight to the point and breezy.

Then act your socks off, entirely oblivious to any funniness. It's how I do it in my family

In my family everyone brings something to a big meal and it's best to bring much more of whatever side you want to eat as the main provided by my parents assumes that everyone rata the same tiny options as they do At mil's nobody is allowed to bring anything, she provides a banquet that would adequately feed more than double the number of people at the meal, then we get sent home with leftovers. Different families have different rules, but I much prefer my family's muck in and help ethos, I feel weird about being waited on by mil.

So yes OP, tell your brother to bring a decent contribution to Christmas.

Thanks everyone. Interesting to hear that most think I should ask them to bring sth.
@fedup21 Our relationship is not v close. They are not very communicative with us which sometimes leads us to feel we have done something wrong/offended them in some way. I don't want to offend them by asking them to bring something but it seems most mumsnetters think that would be ok!

I thought it was something of a cardinal sin in the UK to turn up empty handed?

I host adult dc. 1 pays for the turkey. I supplies desserts and 1 cold cash.
They all earn more than us so why not? Invite never returned as we have the biggest house to host!

Sorry, meant to add that we've never had Christmas at theirs - they lived abroad until recently which is why I want to be kind and generous and offer them a nice Christmas with my parents. But equally I don't want to feel resentful that all the hard work and expense has been left to me!

Then definitely ask him to bring X, because possibly he wouldn't think to offer. (I'm not being a male apologist, but it is notable in my family that the males without females who came to Christmas never brought a bloody thing, nor did a bloody thing.) And possible his wife doesn't know the family etiquette, and would worry that she might cause offence, expects him to know and take the lead.

Yes @mbosnz I agree, my DB prob wouldn't even think about it. It all just happens around him, if you know what I mean, without him lifting a finger. (Uh oh, can feel myself getting annoyed already...

Oh yes, I know exactly what you mean. (She says through gritted teeth). It is not limited to males, just more common with them.

If he moans or says something- tell him about much a local hotel/air bnb would be where they have to pay for their own lunches and breakfasts. I would also ask them to bring breakfast and lunch stuff if there’s specific things they like. If it was just one night I personally wouldn’t be fussed but three nights- I’d be asking them to contribute more than just a couple of bits for the Christmas meal.