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Newborn regrets

6 replies

Needtochangemymindset · 11/12/2019 14:34

I had a very unexpected third baby last year, it was a really difficult time, our circumstances couldn't have been worse, I had been made redundant, DH had had a breakdown following his business going (self employed one man type business) leaving him with £20k worth of debt, we had to move and already had a 2 year old and a 1 year old.

We were blessed with a healthy baby but things were so tough. I had PND for the first few months, struggled to bond and felt overwhelmed. We had never been so poor and managing a newborn with a (by then) 2 year old and a 3 year old was so so hard. I look back on the last year and I don't have any of those special memories of spending hours cuddling my newborn, going on walks with her in her pram and feeling proud like I did my other babies. With my other two children I savoured those months, I photographed them practically every time they moved! I have endless photos of them in their first year. I have hardly any of my third child, I've only just realised and I'm so upset. I feel like those early months whizzed by and I never made the most of them because I was constantly chasing round after my 2 and 3 year olds. I feel like my newborn was just fed and put back in her crib so I could sort out whatever my other two needed or were up to. I even enjoyed the night time feeds with my other two but with my third each night time feed felt like a nuisance because I was so tired and my other two are terrible sleepers so we were getting up to all 3 each night.

My problem is I now look back on the last year with such huge regrets the sadness is pulling me in to depression and I don't know how to stop it. I find myself gazing at mums with newborns and feeling so envious.

Can anyone identify with this? Is it 'normal' with a third baby to feel like this when they're all so close together in age?

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 11/12/2019 14:37

I have to admit that I didn't have any of your challenges but I don't have any photos of me and little one as he spent 6 months screaming 24 hours a day. He had reflux but now hes a lovely 7 year old who is the happiest of our 3. The other 2 who had lots of attention are quite grumpy in comparison.

MrsTumbletap · 11/12/2019 14:38

I think you are probably being too hard on yourself. You had three kids and your husband was struggling.

Of course you aren't going to have lots of frameable photos, you were busy, life was busy, it was a shit time.

But...you have a healthy baby, in fact you have three, you got through it and it will all be fine. Your third child will just grow up knowing its loved not that there aren't enough photos of them in nappies. Just take photos now and they will never even notice.

Life will through more shit at you in the next 20-30 years, enjoy what you have because you never know when the next tough time is coming.

memaymamo · 11/12/2019 14:42

Think how much pressure modern mums are to create precious memories. It's so intense. If we were all still living a simpler life, we'd just stick Baby on our back and carry on with whatever jobs we were doing, not stare at them all day and fuss over them.

Your baby hasn't a clue that they were treated any differently and may well even grow to be more confident and independent because you weren't helicoptering.

Sorry that it's getting you down though.

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Itsashame · 11/12/2019 14:48

You’re being way too hard on yourself op. You’ve had a shitload on your plate. It’s ok to feel like you’ve dropped the ball with something.
For what it’s worth, I had pnd with my first baby and the first year was such a struggle. I have some regrets about how things went. But now she’s 8 and amazing. We have a fantastic relationship.

ActualHornist · 11/12/2019 14:50

I have the same regrets for my third son, and I had none of the issues you talk about.

Flowers be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to regret it, then put it away. There is nothing you can change by chewing over it and making yourself feel bad. Your health is as important as your baby’s.

Moonflower12 · 11/12/2019 14:53

I only have15 months between DD2 and DS. I have no real memories of the newborn stage of DS as I was so tired and so busy with the other children. He is now a fully functioning 22 year old with no issues and a successful career and a happy relationship, with many friends and who loves his mum very much.
So your DC3 will be absolutely fine I'm sure. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

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