Any tips, please, for how to help DD (7) assert herself within one of THOSE friendships?

[HepburnKNotA]

DD's best friend (will call her Anna) is fundamentally a nice girl and they usually get on really well. True, Anna is the more dominant character - she usually decides what game they play etc, and usually gets first 'pick' of which character to be. But in many ways this isn't something DD minds, they play fabulous games and she's not the kind to get upset if she doesn't get her way.

They do also play a lot with another little girl, will call her Betsy, but I have been encouraging DD for ages to widen the friendship circle. The 3 of them are often falling out/quarrelling in minor ways, and I suspect they just need a break from the intensity of only playing with each other.

However a new aspect is that Anna seems to think she can pick up and 'drop' my DD whenever it suits her. And tbf, she's right - DD is that girl who will just feel upset and will wait patiently until Anna comes back and 'chooses' her again. :(

Yesterday DD was very upset because Anna had played with another girl (Clare) at playtime (all fine, I'm delighted if they're playing with others!!) but had then come over to DD to say 'I like Clare more than you!' And then proceeded to ignore every word my DD said to her for the rest of the day (turning her back on her etc)

I can totally understand that my DD will have irritated Anna all day by doing exactly what she does when she's worried - DD will have spent all day desperately trying to get Anna to reply to her which will have irritated Anna AND confirmed that she's the powerful one.

I had a chat with DD last night and briefly this morning and she did agree that she would play with someone else today 'but if Anna is nice to me I'll play with her'.

I pushed back against that and explained why she shouldn't do that!

I don't think it will have worked, it's happened before and I suspect DD will be delighted right now that Anna has decided to be nice to her again (or she'll be crying in the playground because she doesn't have anyone to play with...)

What can I do? I talk to DD about this stuff when it arises. I think I have good advice! But it's hard to get her to follow it!

How do I make her more assertive...?

I encourage other friendships btw, we have playdates - there are 5 or 6 other girls she really likes and would definitely call her friends. But if Anna wants to play with her today she probably won't have taken up playing with any others.

I can see this being a long-term problem, if not with Anna then with others - DD is just absolutely That Child who is on the receiving end of this sort of stuff.

Her confidence is generally high, though of course I try to help with that when necc too.

I'm not sure what else I can do?

Any cast-iron, sure-fire tips?

Thank you

I'd love to see any cast iron tips to be honest.

One thing I would say is don't prescribe her as the type of person this will always happen to be. She needn't be and she won't be necessarily. If you think it you will be subconsciously communicating that to her.

The other thing I have learned is to let them get on with it themselves a bit. If your daughter wants to play with Anna when Anna will play with her, I would let it go uncommented on and instead big up your daughters own plus points and loveability. If your daughter gets really upset I would have a word with the teacher.

yes that's great advice thank you Simkin.

You're absolutely right, I mustn't think this will always happen to her (It always happened to me - I'm projecting!! - but nobody ever told me how to try to handle it. I'm trying to break the cycle!)

Yes you're right too, i was just thinking that if DD comes home today saying she's played with Anna I won't really comment or say 'but I thought you agreed you'd try etc etc...'

I'm trying to minimise it all where possible because I don't think there's anything to be gained from making this a Big Issue.

Obviously yes there is always the resort of speaking to teacher if it continues/if she has more days like yesterday.

Thanks Simkin

You're welcome. I'd still be interested if people do have advice!! I have 2 girls, one who tells me all the ins and outs and dramas of the day, and one who tells me zilch until she's really upset. The first is easier to deal with but I have learned just to listen and sympathise rather than advise every time. Otherwise you end up on their dramatic roller coaster yourself! Obviously sometimes you have to step in / suggest strategies but generally 'oh dear that does sound upsetting' is enough.

Finding out nothing until the kid is really struggling is much worse tbh, so the fact your daughter talks to you is something you can be pleased about.

Thanks again Simkin. I think you’re right on balance that the fact Dd talks about this stuff to me is A Good Thing. It’s just hard (though vital) as you say NOT to get caught up in what are (mostly) fleeting dramas!

I just want her to be able to learn how to do this stuff. I can’t do it for her though I wish I could...!!