Mum in her 70s won't change diet for diabetes

[Pamspeople]

I'm really struggling watching my mum get worse and worse with her diabetes, she's type 2 and now at the stage where they are teaching her to inject herself because the tablets won't work. The diabetes nurses and I have all talked to her about changing her diet over the years, explained how she can keep her blood sugar down, but she keeps on eating what she's always eaten - lots of bread and cakes and scones etc. She also eats lots of veg, but she can't seem to give up the carbs. It breaks my heart to think of how ill she is getting, but I don't know what else I can do. She's an adult, it's her choice - she seems to be in denial about it.
I don't see her very often, we've had a tricky relationship in some ways, close in others. She is very hard to help, she pushes me away and has just told me yet again that she doesn't want me to visit because she worries too much about me travelling (it takes 90 mins!).

It’s tricky,if she has capacity and is making an unwise choice than nowt much you can do
I’d ask the GP or practice nurse to talk to her, get a dietician referral

Your Mum Is probably thinking I’ve got to 70 and I’m okay...
I completely understand why you’d be concerned and you’re v attentive to her

Oh god, my father was like this. He had type 2 and took just pills but his diet was appalling. His appetite was poor for various reasons (he was very thin) and seemed to live on shortbread, chips, cereal and bananas. He was often collapsing because his blood sugar was all wrong. Sadly, he had one collapse too many, hit his head and died. Diabetes was given as the cause of his death. He was 86. There was absolutely nothing you could do or say to make him eat better. He just went all sulky and eye rolly if you tried to help or advise. You have my sympathy because you are really on a hiding to nothing. You can't force someone to improve their diet. I think you just might have to let her get on with it.

I don't have experience with type 2,only type 1 so apologies if I am completely wrong. Would it be better for her if she is on insulin injections? Then she could eat as she likes with the insulin to cover it.

Your Mum Is probably thinking I’ve got to 70 and I’m okay.

That ^^.
I don't think you can change her, OP, you can just strive for a clear conscience that you did what you could to be supportive & stay in touch.

If she's weird about you travelling... could you fib? Say "I need to go over to your area some time for (made up errand) and wondered if I could drop in to visit you when I'm there?"

My cousin has a husband with T2DM & depression. He's such a lovely man & yet refuses to do hardly anything about either condition. Cousin has reconciled to doing what she can, but still a tough situation.

I completely understand how you feel and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. My FIL has type 2, hypertension, etc, etc, and it's ALL do to his hideous diet. He smokes, as well. He refuses to change anything about his lifestyle, and I have stopped giving a single fuck. May be harsh, but it's simply the truth.

The whole family has tried a million times to help him, he fucks us all off. He's quite nasty about it, too. Fine, his life, his choice, but he better realise that I will not be there to care for him when the shit hits the fan, and that will probably be soon because his health is getting worse by the day. His daughters have also washed their hands of him. Watching someone destroy themselves is heartbreaking and infuriating.

Pippapotomus it doesn’t work like that for Type 2, unfortunately. And “eating what you like” probably has very different meaning for a Type 1 used to controlling their diet and a Type 2 through obesity.

You have my sympathies OP - it’s so difficult to watch a loved one not take care of themselves. Your mother has done “well” to get to 70s on “just” tablets though - my dad went straight through to insulin and is now on the highest dose, and still eats far too much. For him it’s not so much the chocolate etc, he just eats way too large portions most of the time!

I’m actually tipping over into obese as well so I know It’s not as easy as “just stopping eating crap”. I know I’m destroying my body and especially with the family history I’m at risk of developing diabetes myself, but I can’t stop myself! For me it’s very much related to my mental health - I will do well, lose a few stone, start running again etc, then my mental health will take a tumble and I’ll go straight for the chocolate ‘sharer’ packets...

Have you gently suggested some sort of CBT to help her address the root cause of her eating? I know it must be difficult to though if you have a tricky relationship.

If she won’t change there’s nothing you can do. If if the risk of incontinence, blindness and losing a limb won’t change her mind nothing will.

Thanks so much everyone, I can't tell you what a relief it is to share this with someone. I feel an underlying guilt that I can't make it better for her, and some anger that she won't change things - but I also massively sympathise that food is a big comfort to her and she doesn't have many others, tbh. She isolates herself and tells everyone she's fine, but if course I worry more because she won't accept help with anything.

I guess it's true that if the thought of losing limbs doesn't get her to change her diet, me trying to remind her isn't going to. It's so bloody sad.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences, it really helps

We have a relative in your Mum's situation. They're convinced that they've got to their age and therefore it's fine (often with a little deflection about how Sandra did all this healthy stuff and is in a worse state than me). They also comment on how they might as well enjoy life rather than add 3 years extra to their life but live on rabbit food.

You have my sympathy. It's hard, but if they won't own their choices and they are of sound enough mind then unfortunately its up to them whether they listen.

Im an A+E nurse and see people who come to us in a diabetic crisis all the time through poor control.

Getting a referral to a dietician isnt going help if shes not going to listen. All the dietician will do will give advice, they cant force feed her.

Sadly poorly controlled type 2 diebetes can cause limb and sight loss. Maybe she'll have a wake up call when she gets a non-healing wound on her leg or foot that needs continuous treatment.

I have the same issue OP and really feel for you, it’s very frustrating. Mine has the attitude that she doesn’t really care if she dies but doesn’t seem to realise that she’ll likely have many years of misery from degenerating health before that happens. As my siblings live abroad it will be me that has to care for her too. It’s very, very selfish imo.

@SandyClawsIsComingToTown

Mine has the attitude that she doesn’t really care if she dies but doesn’t seem to realise that she’ll likely have many years of misery from degenerating health before that happens.

Exactly. My husband and I have said for several years that the best possible outcome for my FIL is if he suddenly has a massive heart attack and drops dead. Aside from that, he's looking at a debilitating stroke, amputations, blindness, and horrible misery. A misery that will be inflicted upon the whole family, as you well know.

My dad has the diet controlled one.. expect he doesn’t control it.

He had a stroke 15 years ago and is wheelchair bound, plus my mum died 10 years ago so he says he might aswell enjoy himself 😩

He has had issues with his leg this year. It’s awful but we can’t stop him! The doctor keeps telling him off.

I'm so sorry other people are having to deal with this too. sandyclaus I think my mum has that view too, that she thinks if she doesn't look after herself she'll simply drop dead sooner and that's fine with her, but of course as you say it won't be like that, she'll likely have years of pain and misery instead.