WWYD - Toxic sister

[ChanandelerBong]

I'm 41, my only sister is 39. I've spent most of my life tiptoeing around her and not being brave enough to say what I think as she is liable to explode and be incredibly nasty.

When we were teenagers she was anorexic and bulimic and went through a phase of thinking my parents were trying to poison her... we all had family counselling and I've always come back to the fact that she has mental health issues whenever she has been toxic and horrendous to me and my parents as a reason to keep the peace - she's unwell so needs compassion and treating with kid gloves.

Over the years she has tricked her ex into having their first baby by putting a needle through condoms when he was 18, she's lied about being raped, about being sexually harassed at work (people have been sacked over this) and about having cancer. These are the things I can remember but there are definitely more.

If I have the nerve to disagree with her she is verbally abusive, vicious, and if I stand up to her she threatens that I will never see my nieces and nephews again. She actively turns people against you.

When I was getting married two years ago she upset all my hens as she felt threatened by them and my relationship with them, and told me that if I didn't uninvite two of them she would't come. When this was all going on she told me I was stupid and naïve to think these women liked me as they were all using me (they have been my friends for over fifteen years).

She has no friends, and when she does make friends those relationships spectacularly explode about six months down the line, and she constantly tells me that none of my friends like me because women are users.

She's currently not speaking to me as I told here ten weeks ago that I wasn't going to stay with her for Xmas as I wanted my son to spend his first Xmas day at home this year. Her response to this was to call me a f'ing c''t. I'm always the one to apologise even if I know I've done nothing wrong, to keep the peace, but I'm not doing it this time. I'm struggling with my own mental health issues at the moment - anxiety caused by stress, which with the help of a counsellor I'm starting to see she plays a part of.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for getting to the end of it. What would you do in my situation? I'm thinking of not being the first one to get in touch, and wait for her to do so. Or even to go NC... she has a massive impact on my self esteem and self belief, and I'm starting to see that I don't need that in order to help my own mental health.

Thanks all

She sounds like a nightmare. I am hesitant to suggest personality disorder in response to an online post, but it sounds possible. Stop apologising, stop trying. YWNBU to go no contact, or at least low contact. Just because she's family doesn't mean that you have to put up with this to the detriment of your own mental health. You need to disengage hard as it may be and put your energy into your own family and your other relationships.

Oh that sounds truly toxic. It is clear your sister isn’t very well.

Honestly I think waiting for her to get back in contact will create more anxiety for you.

If you want to go NC, I think it needs to be made clear.

Thank you @MajesticWhine my therapist said borderline personality disorder, and I think she's right. To be honest I've got to a point where I haven't got space for her anger, hate and neediness. It really is to the detriment of my mental health. Thanks so much for replying

Thank you @SweetAsSpice at the moment just not contacting her is making me feel empowered, and is a huge relief. But I can see that down the line it may cause me further anxiety. It's kind of a point where I either go NC and do it properly, or just keep quiet and see what happens.

Thank you both for your advice

No one could blame you for going NC. Life is too short to deal with toxicity like that. She sounds a horrible (albeit unwell) person.

I'd definitely go low contact. Stop contacting her and see what happens

Thank you @FloreanFortescue and @Cauliflowerpower

As above. She’s nasty and now is the time for her to stop fucking up your life for the sake of your kid. She’s nasty to be around so I couldn’t trust her being in a room with my dc alone. Have a nice Xmas at home WITHOUT HER. Is she married? What do you parents think about this?

Honestly id do what YOU want. You cannot go through life pleasing someone else just to avoid an arguement.

Be there if she needs help but dont put up with being shouted at and abused. If this means little contact then id go do it

You are perfectly within your rights to go low or no contact with her. It sounds hugely stressful having a relationship with her. Spend Christmas at home with your little boy.

So today I'm scum because I can't go to a funeral of someone I barely knew with her. - she only wants to go so she looks like the 'good guy' and will probably decide she's too ill to go an hour before leaving which is what she normally does. I literally cannot go, there's no rearranging what I have on that day. I've been hugely anxious all day, I just feel like I'm this horrible awful person, and again it's impacting on my life at home.

She sounds like my SIL who has BPD. You can only control your actions in this situation so you'll probably save your sanity by going low contact.

Thought she wasn’t speaking to you? Block her. Be brave. I know this is hard, but for your sake and that of your own mental well-being, it sounds to me that this is the sensible (only!) way forward.

I so wish I had had the courage to go LC with my sister years ago. It's taken until my mid forties to stop playing her game. It has made such a massive difference to my self esteem. Just do it on your terms. Have the courage to take back control. Stop contacting her when you don't want to. You will get through this phase of uncertainty and you will eventually reach a place where you are able to feel as well as be in control. Good luck

You’re doing well to not fall in with her plans. Good for you. It brings you nothing but misery when you do what she wants so don’t bother.

Sounds like she uses you a lot. For company and to make her look good. Nobody likes being used so I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to be around her. I’d avoid her.

If she kicks off at you then you could tell her the truth if you felt like it, but depending how ( kindly or honestly) you do it she may never want to speak with you again and could cut your contact with her dcs. I don’t think she will believe anything negative you say about her anyway so there is probably no point in being truthful sadly. Just make sure her kids know you will always be there for them no matter what she says. I feel sorry for them with her as a mother.

OP, I think it would be helpful for you to keep track of all the hurtful things she says and does. eg, calling you a f'ing c''t or calling you scum.
Maybe it would help you to remind yourself of what she's like every time you are tempted to try and placate her. Get some healthy boundaries in place - only you can decide what these are - and stick to them.

Invest in your own wellbeing and block her.

My sister is exactly like yours, OP. You sound genuinely lovely when you say you don't want to lose contact with her DC. I gave in to my sister for years, decades. She didn't change. She was jealous of every aspect of my life, even jealous of me being nothing like her. She became a lot worse as she got older. Ultimately her own son & daughter have nothing to do with her, they got away from her as soon as they could. I put up with her until my Dad died, after that she tried hard to rip me off while I was grieving for him. I couldn't take her sh*t any more and cut off contact at that point. It was the best thing I've ever done. Looking back, I wish I had done it years before, she was/is nothing but utterly toxic.