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Have I been an idiot re very old friend and sex?

10 replies

pinboard · 07/12/2019 16:41

Re my old friend - he was my 1st boyfriend when we were 14 (we were intimate). Then, when we were mid 20's, he came for a weekend and stayed for 2 weeks. We got back together for a few months (and he talked of marriage) but it was long distance and stopped suddenly. He ghosted me - and I was really really upset.

We're both now 50. About 3 years ago he contacted me re a long lost family member. We now chat every few months. We are both single again now, both have kids (have all met as he put us up 2 days in summer). Anyway, he came up to mine (kids not around) for 2 nights to look at some issues with my house ( he offered - he's a builder).

Night one, we had wine, sat up proper catching up till 2.30am - both leave our bedroom doors open, but both sleep alone. Night two, he says how he always felt ashamed about ghosting me way back when and he wanted to come up and make me happy for a couple of days as he thinks I've had a tough time lately (I have). He says: 'i've always always found you really attractive, I really care about you, I so want to hug you, but I dont want to complicate things for you as we live at opposite ends of country, both with kids, both a bit broke etc, so no promises but: will you keep the door open re us?' We slept together.

He said he'll come back in 8 weeks to do the work for me (he's a tradesman) but was it a line? (I don't think so, he's pretty decent)
I don't want to be clingy but I've only had sex with 2 other people (one of whom my exH) in the last 20 years so it was a huge huge thing for me and if it is never mentioned again I will feel really upset.

He said he'd call tonight. How do I handle it?

Oh, God, have I been a right idiot?

OP posts:
pinktophat · 07/12/2019 16:44

That all sounds quite stressful. How much do you like him?

Besidesthepoint · 07/12/2019 16:52

I don't know if he is serious or not but maybe you should hold off sleeping together again till you know his intentions.

pinboard · 07/12/2019 17:00

I like him enormously.
I don't want to lose his friendship - I dont want to scare him off / be clingy but I don't know how to be 'cool' about it / pretend it doesn't matter to me, when it does?

We are unlikely to see each other again until Feb and then will have kids around so there is no rush. I just feel really shy around him now.

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Dowser · 07/12/2019 17:07

You certainly aren’t an idiot and can understand how you fell for him
There always seems a bit of unfinished business
Almost like you were partners in a past life but this time things are different and circumstances have for in the way for you to be together

I’d take the comfort you got from your night of passion and just treasure it
Like an antique piece of jewellery you’ve had handed down... you’ll love it but you’ll never wear it
But it’s nice to try on occasionally... just for what it is

If there’s meant to be more then there’ll be more.. just don’t keep hanging on like a waitey kaitey

You’re a strong independent woman and he will love you for that
You don’t wantto be a Klingon

You never know it just might not work if you were together all the time
Who knows?
Live your life and see what unravels

pinboard · 07/12/2019 17:24

Oh, Dowser THANK YOU!
just what I needed to hear - common sense to help me stay calm.

It WAS lovely. I would like it to happen again - if it does it does, if not then I will just treasure how nice it was.

So, I will stay calm about the hopefully upcoming House visit and see how things go. I guess I will find out if he treats me 'right' re that.
which might tell me more about other things too?

OP posts:
MegaClutterSlut · 07/12/2019 17:40

I don't think your an idiot op, sounds like you had a great time Grin I would see how things go when he next visits and maybe ask him what the deal is. He has mentioned distance etc my worry is you may end up getting hurt

Cohle · 07/12/2019 17:49

I absolutely don't think you're an idiot and I think it's so easy to stay hung up on an ex - especially one who it sounds like was your first love.

However he's already got form for treating you badly and he talk of things like "wanting to make you happy for a couple of days" and "I dont want to complicate things for you ... so no promises" don't exactly make it sound like he's looking for a long term commitment.

Bluntly, it sounds like he just wanted a shag. If that's enough for you then great, but personally I wouldn't get involved if that's something you would find hurtful,

pinboard · 07/12/2019 18:52

Cohle

Yes, I take your point. That's why I am worried I have been a bit of an idiot - he didn't make any promises this time so in that sense was fair.
And the logistics for a long term relationship are almost impossible.

I guess I can't sleep with someone I really care about if it's a one-off.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/12/2019 18:56

I also think he was very clear here op, I'm sorry, and you know a relationship is out thr question. If you're ok with occasional fwb then it's all good, but you're not. You want a relationship with this man and it's not on offer.

Just play friendly and light, don't make it heavy, but I think you need to accept it's either just friends, or fwb occasionally.

pinboard · 07/12/2019 19:02

I do accept it. I know he said: 'keep the door open' but I don't see how we could, even if we wanted to, iyswim, as our lives are too far apart.

I just know I will feel really shy around him now, and I am kicking myself, as he is a really good old friend, and that's pretty special and I don't want to affect it. I guess I'm not able to be a FWB person!

I shall keep it light and hope we can stay friends as before.

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