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Original poster

What should I do about comments from friend's partner?

22 replies

sloaneslane · 07/12/2019 10:04

I have a close friend, who in the last year or so has got a new partner.
At the beginning I thought he was a nice guy, and we got on really well, even planning a holiday together. Since then, it's soured quickly.

He constantly belittles others with snide put downs. Snarky comments. Eye rolls. He's almost like a drag queen it's so ridiculous.

I am Irish, and grew up speaking Irish (irish gaelic). So far over the past few months, he's commented;
"Irish is pretty pointless, you all speak English anyway"
"He's ok for an Irish person, like he doesn't constantly try and shove it down your throat"
"You don't know how annoying it is to be around them [the Irish] all the time."
"No I don't have a problem with Irish people, I just hate all forms of Nationalism, it's the worst"

Ok then.....

Amongst other things, he thinks because he grew up in a very poor area of Northern England, that everything he has achieved in life has been harder for him than anyone else. By this, he means, he is more intelligent than everyone else.

He has suggested because my parents went to university, as did I, I don't deserve the job I have now because it's harder for other people as I have "cultural capital"

I recently went to a fairly high profile party, and ever since my friend told him this, I've heard a litany of "Oh because going to X party makes you oh so cool" "Yeah, because bothering with Y means you're really somebody now". As it happens, they were both invited to this party as my +1, +2.

I met a group of old (Irish) friends who as it happens know this guy too, and I was just chatting to them about him. Apparently no one likes him. They've all had the same problem with him.

How the fuck do I deal with someone like this? We went out for dinner, as a group of friends last night to celebrate the end of a busy few weeks for us all. He made a few comments at dinner, and it just ruined my meal. I decided to skip drinks and went straight home and cried.

I've not retaliated bar asking things like "Do you have an issue with Irish people?" I don't know what I've done wrong, other than be myself

It's such a shame as my friend is being poisoned by his vitriol.

OP posts:

DisplayPurposesOnly · 07/12/2019 10:08

"More salt with your chip, mate? How about some artisan balsamic vinegar?"

Just tell him he's a wanker.

OrangeZog · 07/12/2019 10:11

Just tell your friend and say you don’t want to meet up when he is with her anymore. I doubt you’ll be the first to tell her this and if she stays with him, you definitely won’t be the last.

HollowTalk · 07/12/2019 10:12

"Oh would you just shut the FUCK up?" and then turn to someone else and start talking about something else.

MyNewBearTotoro · 07/12/2019 10:16

I’d avoid him as much as possible. Don’t meet up with your friend unless he’s not there. I’d also refrain from telling him or the friend anything you’re up to so he has nothing to be negative about. Distance yourself as much as you can and if your friend asks why I’d be honest and say that you don’t have enough emotional energy to deal with him putting you down all of the time and so you don’t want to socialise with him anymore.

Mummyshark2018 · 07/12/2019 10:19

As another Irish person I would punch him. He sees you as an easy person to targets. You need to cut him down and embarrass him the next time he says anything, preferably in front of everyone.

MustardScreams · 07/12/2019 10:21

@HollowTalk what they said.

Tell him loudly to shut the fuck up and he sounds like a total twat. And then never spend time with him again.

Louise91417 · 07/12/2019 10:26

What an obnoxious dick! Agree with above, humiliate in a large crowd

TDL2016 · 07/12/2019 10:29

“Shut the fuck up and leave, you not being here will make the evening a million times better anyway”
If your friend is sitting there not pulling their partner up on their twattish comments, then they aren’t the friend you thought they were.

FraglesRock · 07/12/2019 10:33

'Your partners constant digs has made me come to the decision where I don't want to socialise with him. Happy to meet you on your own'

If there's a big social event can you avoid him or do he come looking for you?

MarthasGinYard · 07/12/2019 10:38

"Oh would you just shut the FUCK up?" and then turn to someone else and start talking about something else.'

Perfect

And then decline any invites if he's there.

Surely your friend must be a little thick if she can't see what's going on.

PicsInRed · 07/12/2019 10:48

If your friend chooses a racist who hates the Irish for her boyfriend, she chooses to lose all her Irish friends (and more). It's that simple. She is making her choice. You are perfectly entitled to make yours.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 07/12/2019 10:58

I'd dump your friend as if she's not sticking up for you and telling him to stop, then she's not really a friend, sorry. You definitely shouldn't put yourself in his company.

Original poster

sloaneslane · 07/12/2019 11:03

Thanks for all the advice. I just know one
of these days I will flip and call him a C in public.

The problem is, he’s very difficult to avoid. I should have mentioned, but I house share with this friend.. so the partner is always here!

OP posts:

RockinHippy · 07/12/2019 11:39

A phrase I love to use in situations like this
'did you mean to be so rude, or are you just a natural dickhead' said with a smile. Plus keep on calling out their fukwit behaviour at every turn

FraglesRock · 07/12/2019 11:41

Oh good lord! Yep just tell him each and every time. Agree days to use the lounge so you don't have to spend the evening listening to him. And I'd look for somewhere else.

RockinHippy · 07/12/2019 11:42

I've just seen your update saying you live with your friend. No drugging way would I put up with this shit in my own home. Your friend is enabling his behaviour & needs a kick too. How dare she bring someone's into your own home with such bigoted views against you

Sn0tnose · 07/12/2019 11:59

I think I’d first talk to my friend and say ‘He clearly doesn’t like me and he’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home. How can we get around this?’ She absolutely must have noticed.

If you think that she’s totally smitten with him and would side with him over any of her friends, then you can either swallow it and just avoid him where possible, or realise that she’s not a great friend and think ‘Fuck it’. Play him at his own game. If he starts with the jibes, laugh, eye roll and say ‘oh here we go again, Hard Done by Dave and his tales of how everyone had it easier than him’.

Oh because going to X party makes you oh so cool Oh no Hard Done by Dave, I’m not cool because of the parties I go to. I’m cool because I’m not a cunt.

Pancakeflipper · 07/12/2019 12:01

Say "why are you so rude?"

PicsInRed · 07/12/2019 12:05

Whose name is the house in?
If yours, she goes. If hers, you give notice and leave.

If in joint name, when is the lease up?

This situation is untenable. You can't be racially abused in your own home. It's totally unacceptable and will make you unwell.

Dora26 · 07/12/2019 12:10

The Charm School you went to mate? Look for a refund! (Ps Am Irish and so very proud of it so would prob follow up with a swift kick in the gooleys)

Alfie81 · 07/12/2019 13:00

This reply has been deleted

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Cyberworrier · 07/12/2019 13:21

I agree with PP that he sees you as an easy target.. probably because you are well mannered and too shocked to react to his ignorant and unpleasant comments.

Sounds like he has a massive chip on his shoulder, does he say that about everyone with university educated parents he meets? I don’t think he really understands the concept of cultural capital if he thinks the ideal is to penalise those who have it... surely it should be about equalising upwards so everyone has the same advantages and opportunities?!

I’d prepare some calm responses that will hopefully expose the rudeness of his comments to your housemate.

For example:
"Irish is pretty pointless, you all speak English anyway"
What now? Did you really just say that?

"He's ok for an Irish person, like he doesn't constantly try and shove it down your throat"
Ok for an Irish person... excuse me?

"You don't know how annoying it is to be around them [the Irish] all the time."
Well, as an Irish person happily living in the UK, I’m not used to being around someone with such a open prejudice against my country. I know historically this attitude was quite common, but I thought we had moved on from such racism

"No I don't have a problem with Irish people, I just hate all forms of Nationalism, it's the worst"
so you’re saying all Irish people are nationalists? I try not to make such sweeping generalisations about different countries, national stereotypes are often pretty crude, offensive and rooted in ignorance

My other suggestion would be to write a letter to your friend, outlining how uncomfortable these comments make you feel. It’s possible she thinks it’s all ‘banter’ god I hate that word. If she does nothing, I’d really question the friendship and start looking for a new house share.

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