Advice about older teens living at home

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

Need a bit of perspective and guidance and perhaps a bit of a reality check. My DD is 18 and in her last year of upper sixth. She lives at home and is planning to go to our local university in September so will continue to live here. She is very independent and I let her come and go as she pleases.
The consequence is that she uses the place like a hotel. She often stays at her boyfriend’s house (and he sometimes stays here) which is fine but she makes no contribution to the running of the home at all. I do not expect a financial contribution at all as she is still a student but I am at a loss with meal planning for example as she changes plans at the last minute without much communication.

She leaves the place in a tip and a massive row developed after I asked her to clean the bathroom which she shares with her brother. He is a lot younger and has the responsibility of looking after the pet.

It is hard to confront/discuss as I get the ‘I am an adult now - you can’t tell me what to do’ back chat. I release she is studying and working but DH and I work full time too. I need tips on how to make this work. We feel like slaves while she takes no responsibility.

Go back and talk to her again about what being an adult really means. It means responsibilities and taking on your own share. Children are the ones that leave it all up to mum.

Set clear expectations of what and when she has to do certain things. She’s so grown up, she gets all the crap that comes with being a grown up too, otherwise, how else will she learn to stand on her own 2 feet? My young adults have to clean up the kitchen in turn after dinner, clean their own rooms, do their own laundry and tidy the bathroom. It does take some policing and they squabble like under 10s sometimes, but if they don’t like it they know where the door is!

This is not as easy as I’ve made it sound and requires frequent “negotiation” threats.

Generally what weaselwords said. Tell her you're going to treat her like the adult she is now and be clear about what you expect in return.

Re the meals, I'd work out how much notice you need of whether she'll be present for a meal - whatever fits with your meal planning - and tell her if she can't manage to let you know consistently by that time then you'll be withdrawing all catering services.

There was a thread on here just yesterday from someone living at home on a graduate trainee scheme. The others on her scheme were quite jealous and mean because she had a much easier setup than they did, living at home with no rent to pay.

Can you (fairly gently) point out that once she goes to uni, her fellow students will think she is quite the princess if she has no chores to do and no rent to pay, so perhaps she should put things in place now to take responsibility?