It's only year two but how can I cope with this?

[ForTheLoveOfGrace]

So two years ago today my MIL died. It's my birthday (share with my twin) and I was with MIL and close family for 4 days solid 24/7 in the hospice until she died of MND. It was a utter privilege to help her pass and I thought nothing of it at the time but....

I've never really seen my husband cry as much as that day when he said 'she just can't die on your birthday she can't' yet she did. It's not something we or her had control over I know that but so far my birthday's are always scared with this 'sad' day.

I lost my father at 27yrs old so I understand how shit it is but I feel so fecking bad at how each year I'm actually angry now that the day is now a sad one.

I don't want it to be about me it's just so shit to see my husband do sad each year trying to put a brave face on. I'm only human and I've gone from it's not her fault to complete and utter anger as the years have passed. Not a lot one can do really is there but I'm guessing each yr it'll get easier?

I think grief takes many many years and is so different for people.
Could you think about saying to your partner that next time this date comes round you owe it to your MIL to celebrate her life. Her wonderful spirit.
Perhaps you could also celebrate your birthday on that weeks weekend.plan a meal out to celebrate on the sat night etc. Rather than the day of your birthday which holds a lot of sadness at the moment.
Don’t feel bad for feeling this way.its your special day and you deserve to celebrate. But maybe a compromise until the date because less grief-full and more memorial?

This feels really important and difficult.

Apologies for stating the obvious but you've got 2 immovable things in conflict. Your feelings and your husband's are perfectly reasonable.

I bet there are some brilliant counsellors about, maybe attached to the hospice even, who could sit down with the two of you and help you decide together how you are going to face it as a team.

The wisest solution is the one you choose together because you love each other.

We have a similar situation in our family and we seem to have accepted
that it's a day where we feel sad some of the time and happy some of the time.

We don't hide away from the grief and we don't shy away from the celebrating and having fun. We have time for both. We are a few years further along from you and now it seems normal for us. In fact in some ways it's 'ok' that we have a proper excuse to get together.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

Thanks for the replies. I had a full on pity party last night (I blame the fizz) we do try to celebrate the weekend of my birthday week instead of the day itself especially at the moment as it's still so raw. I think you are right that we should keep it like that for now.

Trouble is and something I forgot to mention I'm a twin and it's invertible that they want to celebrate their birthday on their day. She also suffers the tip toeing around the subject and my husband 'putting the brave' face on on'.

Doesn't help when DH family are texting happy birthday and such a sad but happy day! In the same breath it can't be ignored 😖

I just hope over time it becomes less about the day she died and more about celebrating her life!

Each year (so far) my DH and chat about how he is and what he can handle and I always 'check in' on the day. Yesterday was different as all my family were free on the actual bday TOIL or RD's so we went for it but back to celebrating at weekend going forwards for sure.