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Original poster

Sister having a destructive affair...what can I do??

18 replies

Anon3699 · 03/12/2019 19:07

We're both in our late 30s so not children. She has been seeing a married man for over 4 years now...apparently his marriage has been over for years, its just a matter of when and how to leave, blah blah blah. He always has an excuse why not now, somehow manages to keep stringing her along; to me it's all a lot of bullshit but she wont hear that. I want to turn up on his doorstep and confront him. Really want to, it's totally destroying my sister waiting for him. But | know I can'tplay god. It would be unfair to tell his wife. Would it?? What can I do??

OP posts:

zafferana · 03/12/2019 19:12

I'd leave well alone. I know it's horrible to have to stand by and watch these situations unfold, but the longer it goes on the more chance there is that your DSis will see the light. If you interfere and she finds out then you could ruin your relationship with her forever - would you be prepared to risk that?

WorraLiberty · 03/12/2019 19:16

Absolutely nothing

Except be there for your sister when it all goes pear shaped.

Kanga83 · 03/12/2019 19:16

I would tell his wife that her husband is an adulterer as I think she should know. Not to protect your sister as sorry I have no sympathy there, but because that poor wife is possibly clueless as to what her shit of a husband is doing and she deserves better.

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kenandbarbie · 03/12/2019 19:17

I think you should try something to make her see sense. In one way it'd be unfair to tell his wife but in another she's being lied to and she deserves to know. Have you ever talked to him?

kenandbarbie · 03/12/2019 19:17

If you are going to tell her, maybe do it anonymously and have proof.

zafferana · 03/12/2019 19:20

If you do tell the wife then expect him to be kicked out and guess where he'd go then? Your DSis probably. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Do you really want her to be lumbered with this cheating prick?

MegaClutterSlut · 03/12/2019 19:21

I would tell the wife. The poor cow deserves to know what a lying shit her husband is

Original poster

Anon3699 · 03/12/2019 19:32

Mixed advice! zafferena good point that if truth comes out he'll head straight for my sister. You're right, I really dont want her lumbered with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anon3699 · 03/12/2019 19:34

To defend my sister, the 'marriage was over' before she met him. Tho I guess we believe what we want to believe.

OP posts:

Hadtonamechangeforthis123 · 03/12/2019 21:15

I know two women who were the 'other woman' in relationships. The first one was involved with a married man for years, literally about 10 years from her early 20's to early 30's. He always fed her the 'my marriage is over, I'll leave as soon as I can without destroying my kids etc', when she finally had had enough because she was by then in her early 30's and wanted marriage/children herself he ended it! And he's still with his wife.

The second, did leave his wife and two young children for his 'other woman'. Although the other woman had a baby with him whilst he was still married. They're now expecting another baby and she thinks she's won the prize so to speak but all her family are uneasy about him and expecting/waiting for him to be unfaithful to her.

MegaClutterSlut · 03/12/2019 21:33

Most of them say the marriage is over, he's probably told her he's not having sex with his wife, separate rooms blah blah when in reality its far from the truth. Perhaps anonymously message OM to say if he doesn't end it you will tell his wife? Hopefully that will be enough for him to shit himself and end things with your DS. She is literally wasting her life waiting for him, he would've left by now if he was going too

YorkieTheRabbit · 04/12/2019 13:39

I watched a friend go through seven years of being the other woman. Marriage was over but he needed to wait for the kids to get older, support his wife through an illness etc. Absolutely nothing we said to the friend made any difference.
Eventually his wife found out, he sent her a text intended for my friend. He dropped her like a stone, completely blocked her and it broke her heart. She really hadn’t been able to see through him. Six months down the road he got back in touch, thought his wife wouldn’t suspect him any longer and wanted to pick up where he left off with the affair. Thankfully the friend had enough wit to tell him to fuck off.
I’m afraid that your sister will be much the same, until either his wife finds out or he calls it off, you won’t be able to make her see sense.

charm8ed · 04/12/2019 14:48

I’d tell his wife. It won’t help your sister but I’d want to tell the wife what a shit she is married to. If I was the wife I’d want to know.

charm8ed · 04/12/2019 14:52

They all say their marriage is over, if it’s over they’d be divorced. They’re not divorced because they’re still married, if they wanted a divorce they’d get a divorce.

Longfacenow · 04/12/2019 14:54

OP I can tell you that the marriage being over is no consolation for the betrayed who hadn't been told that! I was told in a Relate appointment my marriage was over and the OW knew it before me.

If you want to help your sister, can you send her a link to snap her into reality so she can at least make conscious choices? EG. Not just friends has a section on why women become the OW.

I think it's part of a family relationship to challenge each other to be better people and account for our behaviour and shitty choices. So you are, imo being exactly what a sister should be.

PotteringAlong · 04/12/2019 14:55

Nope, the marriage wasn’t over before she met him. If it was over they would have separated and divorced.

Longfacenow · 04/12/2019 14:58

Yes and my now ex looks back and openly admits it wasn't until after he started crossing the line that he started to rewrite our life in his head to justify cheating. He now looks back with shame and regret that he blamed me for his unhappiness and unaddressed MH.

Sorry total aside!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2019 15:04

I think you should be more concerned about your sister's state of mind.

Why does she think it's acceptable to have an affair with a married man? Where is her moral compass?

Why has she put up with being fed a load of bullshit for 4 YEARS? Why is her self-esteem so low?

If the marriage was 'over' by the time she met him, they would have been separated at least.

If you tell the wife, the whole thing will blow sky high. He'll blame you, and she will blindly follow and blame you too. And you'll lose her. To him. And then he'll probably cheat on her too.

Agree with advice to bite your tongue and do nothing, but encourage her to end it and work on herself.

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