9 y/o with no friends, please help

[JoJothesquirrel]

I’ve name changed because I post about different things at different times and want to be clear.

My 9 year old has no friends, I need to help them and want to see what Mumsnet thinks. I’ve been listening to family, school and HCP’s for 8 years and i don’t think I have made the right choices.

So kiddo has a visual impairment. They can’t see more than a foot in front of them. This obviously affects their every action every day but other than that they are perfect (well, fit and well and intellectually sound).

They were not supported in friendships in the early years despite my constant asking. Obviously they are limited in finding their own friends BUT when they were 2 and 3 played like any other toddler. Ie crashed instruments, squelched in messy play, loved the swings etc . I asked that the staff (and anyone else) would describe what was happening and who was there so they could learn their peers that way. It never happened because you can’t force kids to be friends.

At school carpet time was a nightmare obviously if you can’t see sitting on a carpet to learn from a board is pointless and boring. But they had to sit there day in day out. They had to be treated the same. Then behaviour started to deteriorate. I pointed out they were bored, they felt vulnerable squashed with all the other little bodies and they were frigging lonely. Nope they had to sit on the carpet.

Then child’s behaviour got worse. Refusing to work, refusing to start, refusing join in. They were punished at home and at school, daily notes back and forward, restrictions in place, endless hours spent finishing work at home. Still no friends, wetting they bed Sunday to Thursday night.

Adjustments were suggested but not till p5 (Scotland) because people have to learn the raw skills first, or something.

Once friend for a term, forces kid. Was life changing, suddenly not everything was a fight. I loved that kid but they moved on again.

No we’re in p5 and have reached the magic limit for adjustments. Laptop and adjustable sheets. Overnight he leapt up the reading, maths groups. Behaviour snapped into place and awards all over the place. Homework done the night it comes out and it’s like winning the lottery at parents night. I did not leave in tears.

So long back story. But we are starting to slip backwards. They got to after school club 2x a week, Cubs and choir. They hate cubs and choir and have asked to stop because no one talks to them. Which is fair enough. They are immature due to having limited social contact.

What else do I try? Sports are likely to be impossible and the problem with choir was reading music and following the conductor. What have I over looked?

I’m sure I’ve missed out loads of info and this is probably a rambling mess. But please help. I wished I’d changed school in P1 is it too late now? I wish I’d been forceful and less accommodating.

Don't accommodate, advocate.
Move schools if you need to.

My son has ASD and I have had similar friendship issues although we're getting there slowly.....but it did take a school move to get things moving for him

I’m scared it would be out of the frying pan and into the fire. But a fresh start with different kids who didn’t have the whole history might help.

How did you start with the new school, with a list of things or let them decide first of all?

You sound such a lovely Mum who is trying lots of strategies. School moves aren't as traumatic as parents think. It would be worthwhile visiting a few though as it may all be for no real reward.
Can you access a support network of families with a similar disability? Not to exclude your child from mainstream but to get a wee start on socialisation .It would help you too.

School sounds awful. They've not supported your child at all.
Please move your child to a more pleasant and accommodating environment.

Thanks for the kind words, I can’t think I’ve tried enough though.

Obviously I’m highlighting the worst of it and the school is highly regarded. The nearest schools are very much worse, to get to a good or excellent school would be a long commute. I don’t mind it in principle but it’s be a change. I’ve toured schools and they all say they treat the children like angels and do everything they can for them.

I have thought about disability specific groups but they aren’t that common. Maybe this should be my next move though.

I hadn’t thought about a parent support group actually. The only times I meet up with other parents is usually crying in hospital wards. Maybe more neutral times would be better.

you've probably already thought of this, but would a holiday club help? It might help your little one build up social skills and get a confidence boost, and there is this one in Scotland run by an organization for visually impaired children. It might be a good way to meet other parents too...

www.royalblind.org/child-care/holiday-club

I hadn’t seen that holiday club actually. What an idiot I am, we should have been at these things before. Thank you.

I guess that’s the best way, just keep trying different activities until we find out groove. New job starting in the new year should make this a bit more financially possible.

My DS moved schools at the same age because he had no friends and was struggling to integrate/ emotionally immature and other children had been distancing themselves from him for a couple of years. A fresh start worked wonders.
Obviously your son’s case is more complex, but I think with the right support a move may really help. We found that being the new kid made him interesting and other children took time to get to know him, which they hadn’t previously.

Remember , you are wiser in your school selection and the needs of your wee one so clear conversations on needs and support can happen .
If theres no group - I bet you'd be brilliant as the very gal to start what you need ! Theres other parents out there too. Doesn't have to be a greetin meetin ... could be social things focussed on kids and relationships .

Final remembered I have to tag people.

That’s exactly it @Howmanysleepsnow the other kids are in concrete groups and aren’t interested in seeing past the history. Don’t blame them, everyone has their own woes. I hadn’t considered that being new would be novel and exciting.

And @Andahelterskelterroundmylittle i love that you think that I could organise something. Maybe I need to be more positive as well as proactive.

For different reasons, we had issues with DC's friendships at a similar age. We became very demanding with school. They say they can't interfere in friendships but they are responsible for your DS' emotional wellbeing as well as his academic achievements. Do they have pastoral support? Our school extended their buddy system so our DC had someone to play with.
Our school has an influx of new pupils in P6 and P7 as parents move to get into high school catchments so we decided to wait to see if that changed the dynamic. It did and our DC soon had a new friendship group of new pupils. Since you're in a good school, that may be the case where you are too.
The RNIB have resources that can also help you advocate with the school and it might be worth contacting Visibility Scotland too.

Do you have a specialist VI teacher who visits his school?

This sounds really tough. I can't believe the school wouldn't make adjustments until p5 - that is ridiculous. For social skills etc, have you tried sports like swimming, horse riding, or (some) martial arts? I know blind or partially blind children who do all of these (and have done very well at them). In swimming (say) there are different categories for visually impaired swimmers but they still train with the team. In horse riding, the horse does the seeing for you. Any of these might build up confidence, bring a bit of excitement and also some friends.

We have had 3 VI teachers. There’s lots of meetings. Sometimes they come to the house and make lists of problems at the school. Then we have a meeting at the school where they make lists of problems with the child.

I specially asked the current VTVI to help with the social aspect and am waiting for a reply.

My kid will readily engage if they can see the benefit and are given space and time but they will shut down entirely if they think they are being offered help. Lots of pepper have suggested a talk to the class about disabilities generally and VI specifically. That went down like a bag of cold sick and they said if I ever told anyone they couldn’t see they would never leave the house again. Obviously lots of people do know, including kids because it’s hardly a secret but it one of the obstacles.

Sorry that reply was for @InsufficientFuns

@Chaotica They have swimming lessons at the moment but we had to try a lot of classes and teachers until we found one who could understand the issues, she’s actually really used to teacher deaf children. We tried 2 martial arts classes (I can’t even remember which type) but I kept having to remind the teacher to demonstrate right in front of them and the lectures about self diciplone and following the teacher were a bit silly when you can’t see the teacher. Horse riding is worth a try. I always imagine it’s hella expensive but anything at this point. Horsey people always seem like fun.

But these are the suggestions I need I’m not dismissing them out of hand. Maybe just need to accept changing classes/groups a lot.

Some schools just don't can't/won't step up and meet the needs of children with additional needs for reasons that are hard to put a finger on. It's often quite far down the road that you can be sure it's not right. Not my child, but I know someone else who moved their child (age 10) from an apparently very good school that was just miserable for their child. Again, worked wonders, just like pps.

Don't worry about the past and things that you feel were mistakes. We all have the things we look back on and wish we'd done differently, but the reality is we rarely know they'd have been better. You sound very determined and have plenty of time to find something wonderful that works from this point going forward. Loads of great suggestions here already.