Cynophobia- Really unsure what to make of this :(

[AChocworkOrange]

Hi all,

First time poster but have lurked for a while. Am asking for a friend
. A is in the mid 20's, has special needs and lives with their family. They also have quite extreme Cynophobia (fear of dogs) which they have had since they were a young child.
A's mother, B, wants to get a dog, and has been in consultation with a breeder. apparently she has told them (breeder) that A is 'scared' but not the extent of the fear. A can't go near a dog and reacts with fear whenever they see one or are near one. B says she wants to get a dog to stop A being afraid of them, but A is unsure if this will work. the dog is a puppy, but A is scared of what will happen when the puppy grows.

Has anyone got any advice on what A can do, and they are incredibly anxious. A has had CBT before but it didn't work for them.

TIA x

Could A not look at moving out, possible in an supported living place if they don’t feel able to be by themselves.

I think A’s parents are more than likely hinting that the want her to move out. Obviously I don’t know the full situation, but I do think the mother is entitled to have a dog if she wants to. The fact the mother has suggested that A moves out if she doesn’t like it means the mother must think her capable of being on her own.

Maybe it’s time for A to be a bit more independent.

Has your friend tried speaking to her mum about it? As in properly sitting down and laying out that she feels she will be unable to live there if there is a dog there too and what does this mean for her care?

Although therapy sounds inconvenient if her mum is set on getting a dog and she doesn’t want move out it is worth a try.

@StoneColdSaidSo that's a little harsh. As I explained earlier, A has a physical condition that leaves her tired and in quite a lot of pain. it's not as simple as that. Her mum is also her carer.
@BlueLadybird they said she could live with relatives, but she has a good relationship with her Mum, so is worried about moving.

they said she could live with relatives, but she has a good relationship with her Mum, so is worried about moving

It doesn’t sound from this thread that the mother-daughter relationship is as strong on both sides. Her mum is getting a dog knowing how much it will upset her and acknowledging she may have to live with relatives. That isn’t very caring.

If your friend can’t cure her phobia and can’t convinced her mum out of getting the dog she really does need to consider other living arrangement options, hard as that may be.

Blue, I take your point but why should a disabled young girl be forced out of her home? A can't walk down the street unaided so really needs someone to help her. it's not as simple as just moving out.

Her mother does care for her and does a lot for her.

Sounds like Mum doesn't particularly want to be a carer for somebody who gets tired easily - autoimmune disease doesn't leave many people unable to care for themselves with a few adjustments, but it can make some reluctant to move out when they have an easier time being looked after by their Mum.

Has A had a bad experience with dogs? Where's the root of the fear and is she willing to address it?

Has she had physio/ot input with regards to mobility assessment?

Young girl? Aged 25/26? That's a grown woman.

I take your point but why should a disabled young girl be forced out of her home?

Morally she shouldn’t and as I said above, I think the parents are acting badly and being very unkind. But it seems the mother is set on getting a dog and your friend is set on not seeking treatment for her fear so what choice does she have? The mother is essentially saying she cares more for a dog she has on order than her daughter she is carer for, so your has to find the help she needs elsewhere. Of course that shouldn’t happen, but unfortunately it has.

If it is time for A to leave home, then there are far better and kinder and more-likely-to-work-out-well ways to do it than trying to scare her with something she is phobic of.

Yes, I get why you might not want to spend your middle age being a carer to a young person who could perhaps learn to live more independently. But that transition needs to be managed by a parent who is actually able to focus on A's needs, not one who is distracted by training a new puppy. Surely B could manage a bit of delayed gratification here?

As for getting the puppy while A lives at home, this is not only extremely cruel to A: it is also rather unkind to the puppy. Young dogs need to be socialised around calm, loving people, they sense anxiety, and growing up around somebody who is terrified of them will not be the best thing for the dog.

"your friend is set on not seeking treatment for her fear"

BlueLadyBird, according to the OP the daughter has had treatment; it just didn't work

@corythatwas yes I saw she had undertaken CBT but the OP also said ‘They live in a small rural village and getting treatment can be quite hard’ which made me think other possible treatment options may be available if she is able to access them. As a small, rural village dweller myself I understand the challenges, and that’s without a disability, but there’s the challenge of living in fear with a dog or the challenge of moving elsewhere away from the main carer. So something does need to be done.

A needs to learn to face their fears, and get ready to move out. It sounds like they are overly reliant on B, who wont be around forever

I think this is a horrific thing to do to one's child. A's mother is being incredibly cruel and selfish. You don't just throw someone into the deep end with a phobia, you've got to take it incredibly slowly.

I would say that ten years past the point where most young adults are moving out for the first time is fairly delayed gratification, personally.

It makes it more A's choice, rather than being told 'You have to move out by Tuesday', it gives her the 'This is permanent', not 'I'll just stay with Auntie for a couple of days and then go back'.

One of the worst things for inflammatory conditions (or hypermobile/EDS ones) is inactivity/relying upon somebody to do all the (literally in some cases) heavy lifting. It doesn't matter how tired A feels, as a grown up, she has to do things for herself and if her current lifestyle is one where Mum does all the washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, going out, working, paying the bills, everything - well, if she's always refused to do things because she's too tired, too sore, etc, etc, she's never going to do them for herself if there's somebody else who can be persuaded into doing it for them.

But if she's in her own place, through her own choice because she doesn't want to be in the same house as a tiny puppy, she has to learn to do them.

Being kind and gentle doesn't always work with people who are almost determined to be where they are most comfortable. She could have resisted every suggestion, every hint, every bit of encouragement - even now, your referring to loving living with her Mum suggests that she isn't looking to become an adult, responsible for herself and her own life, but wants to remain a child.

Remind yourself - this is an adult woman who still wants to live with her Mum looking after her 24/7. Allowing her to stay in that helpless infant mindset is not doing her any favours mentally, emotionally or physically.

It's time to grow up. It's time to move out and become independent.

And if a tiny, defenceless little puppy is what it takes to make her take those tiny steps to being a grown up instead of an adult wanting to remain a child, well, it's a hell of a lot kinder to make it her choice rather than snapping and saying 'Go. Go now. I've had enough'.