16 yr ds taking drugs.

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

DS is 16, child number 3 of 6. He's in yr 12 of 6th form. We all live together except eldest DD, she's settled and expecting a baby.

DS was badly bullied for around 18 months back in year 7 and 8. I posted about it on here, might have had my old name then. We had police involvement, he was hospitalised several times. No-one was prosecuted although ringleader was cautioned.

We moved him schools in year 8. He's been fine at school although he completely reinvented his past, Denies the bullying ever happened, gave up his world competition level streetdancing and never speaks of it.

About 18 months/2 years ago the ringleader and 6 mates cycled 5 miles to the village next to us looking for him, they assumed we live in the village, we don't. Luckily ds wasn't down the park with his mates who do live in the village that day but they told their parents as the bullies confronted them and told them they had a price on ds Head so make sure to tell him. We called the police and ringleader was visited by police.

Fast forward to summer. We hosted after prom party in our garden, 120 youngsters, we were present as we're 3 other adults. Day after at clean up we found absolutely loads of those cream canister things.

Had stern words with Ds about the idiocy of doing that.

Fast forward to July, a parent sent me a video of my ds, her D's and another friend smoking a bong in a local park.

DS was relieved of his phone, tech etc and grounded. Swore it wouldn't happen again.

Couple months ago found weed in his room whilst putting clothes away, again grounded, tech etc.

Same old, same old.

Today I knew something was up so I questioned my 22 year D's, I could see he was bothered by something. He showed me video evidence of D's and couple of mates snorting something. DS has told me it's mdma but DH has found messages on his phone that suggest it's coke.

I'm curious, I don't know what to do. He says it's not kids at school but people who don't go to the school. Obviously he's grounded but I'm so worried. Drugs scare me so much. He so wants people to like him, he's got such a lot of hidden stuff that never got dealt with. I'm not saying it's ok but I used to be scared of opening his bedroom door in case I found him dead.

DH is downstairs with him now. I'm putting younger kids to bed.

I've never seen my older DS so angry. He was literally shaking when he showed me.

I tried various things as a teenager and came through unscathed but I do know a few members of the same friendship group who have had drug related deaths in recent years.

One friend who I dabbled with as 16 yo was begging for money for heroin on the streets a few years later. His brother recently died of heroin overdose.

Many other friends are still living in squats, no fixed income, no real prospects or life at this age now (approaching 30). The "partying" always comes first and the decisions they made at a younger age- getting involved in the drug scene as opposed to school/uni or establishing a career. I see them now and they look like the scourge of society.

What I'm trying to say is as a teenager you can't think about consequences, I certainly didn't. But it is so unbelievably easy to slip down the wrong path without realising it. I think your son is vulnerable and you need to be hardline and strict about this. I would confine him to the house for the foreseeable, straight to and from school.

No point in grassing up to the police, just remove him from the scene altogether.

iswhois that's what we've done. On the school bus to school, on the school bus home, work with DD, home. Nowhere else, no contact with friends but obviously involving in family life.

Luckily Christmas is around the corner so no school and family around him.

That is absolutely the right approach. Also be good for him to be surrounded by people who love him and have his best interests at heart.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing. One thing occurred to me is that would your DS be more likely to listen to what his older brother says, especially as he is so upset about it? It might have more of an emotional impact on him in the long run.

wildernesstips yes I agree about older ds. They're very close and I hope that seeing his adult brother in tears was sobering for him.

We can only be there for him, I'm so scared.

protect80 I'm trying but can't work out what you said there. Typo?

Right Spots , you have to see this as family not a 'you and us' scenario. It really is very important to make yourself central, not divorced from the situation but central, caring and loving, someone that cares about your son,.

And he has to feel as though you care about him, because as soon as he doesn't, he'll he pushed to others.

You sound like you're doing all the right things. But I just wanted to say there's a big difference between MDMA and coke in terms of risk IMO. MDMA isn't addictive but coke is. You really do need to take this seriously and nip it on the bud (as you are doing).

Coke is a nasty drug. It makes people selfish, self obsessed and cold. Your instincts not to mess with the dealer are spot on IMO.

I would mess with the dealer. I don't play silly boy's games

Poor you, and poor your DS. I was badly bullied and it knackered my self-esteem, leading to an variety of risk-taking behaviours that luckily I got through.
I would try offering counselling to help him deal with what has happened to him, and to build his self-esteem. He needs to know the bullying was not his fault, there is nothing wrong with him, he is not unloveable and worthless. His brother clearly really cares about him; if he can convey that (without triggering the ‘i knew I was unloveable, look, all my family is telling me so’ response that I certainly had), it might be very powerful. He wants desperately to be enough, to be recognised as good and loveable, not to be the piece of shit he’s been treated as and that at some level he now believes he is.
He might not want to try counselling but i didn’t do it til I was in my thirties and I know how much I wish I had dealt with it sooner. Sending love and unmumsnetty hugs to you, it was awful to live it but it must be devastating to see it happen to your DS.

arethereanyusernamesleftatall my ex husband was a regular coke user. He was a nasty piece of work and I spent the latter years of our marriage half sleeping because I'd never know what sort of mood he would be in when he came home. His mate burned to death in a pub fire because he was too out of it leaving 4 kids fatherless. He even drugged me without my knowledge to see how I would react.

In my teenage years I lived in Switzerland, my friend and I returned from a holiday to be told that her boyfriend ( my boyfriend's best mate ) was dead from a heroin overdose, apparently only the 2nd time he'd done it. He was 18.

I was drugged and gang raped when I was 18.

My experiences might be colouring my outlook. I've never voluntarily taken drugs myself, they scare the heck out of me. I feel sick knowing my lovely boy could get mixed up with people like my ex.

fingerbobs thank you for sharing. Bullying should be a criminal offence in my opinion, it ruins lives. I was bullied at school. My mum spent years in and out of hospital so I never had the right uniform or I had clothes passed on from friends. I remember one particular occasion when a girl made me take off "her" jumper in the queue for lunch that her parents had passed onto me. My mum died when I was 11 so that was something else that made me different and an easy target. I hope that you've managed to put it behind you, it sounds as if you have worked through it all.

Not sure if it would be useful, but there is a chap called Paul Hannaford who has a website.

He started out smoking weed, ended up smoking heroin and ended up with a £500 a day habit or something. He did a talk at DS's school recently. Teenagers are a weird bunch, but this guy really managed to engage with them and they all came out talking about him and he had a real impact.

There are some really grim pictures on his website, but his story is very real.

Like I said, not sure if it will help but might be something you'd want to share with him if you want to show him what can happen if things escalate further.

Thank you hellohah I will take a look