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Original poster

Was this inappropriate or not?

27 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 01/12/2019 10:55

I loathe ExH so find it difficult to be objective as far as he's concerned. DS2 (7) came home from his at the weekend and he started telling me how daddy had told him about how he stopped breathing when we was born, had to be resuscitated and go up to the SCBU. He then added 'but you missed all that because you were asleep'. I had a crash C-section was was under GA not asleep.

Is this inappropriate for a 7 year old to be told or am I letting my rage at ExH cloud my judgement?

OP posts:

LannisterLion1 · 01/12/2019 11:23

That's fucking inappropriate. Where was the need? It could have freaked him out. Is he ok?

justanotherlemontree · 01/12/2019 11:25

I don’t think it’s inappropriate but I’d have been seething at the “you were asleep” bit.

Winterdaysarehere · 01/12/2019 11:27

Tell ds but df hasn't got a scar like a shark bite...
He is a twat obviously....

Pipandmum · 01/12/2019 11:29

Well you were in effect asleep. You can explain that the doctor put you asleep as they do sometimes when people have operations. But no I think your ex was just explaining it in a way a seven year old would understand. You don't own the story of his birth.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 01/12/2019 11:30

I’d be clarifying that I definitely was not asleep.

I think it’s awful that he’s told him that at 7 years old.

DD3 was in NICU for a while with Sepsis, she’s 4 now so obviously I haven’t told her.

DD1 - fine at birth but had PROM, bleeding, placenta failure. She’s 11 and she knows. She wanted to know why my bump with her was much smaller than the her siblings and why she was so skinny on her newborn photos in comparison. She didn’t ask till last year though, as I’d put a photo album together of the pregnancies and newborns.

Soubriquet · 01/12/2019 11:32

I would be telling him that you wasn’t asleep and explaining what happened in a child friendly way

And then seethe at ex-dh for being a huge twat

Tinkerbell19 · 01/12/2019 11:36

It's definitely inappropriate, I'd have been raging. It's not like you chose to go for a nap knowing your baby was poorly! My ex told Dd I smoked when I was pregnant which made her sick when she was a baby. I had completely stopped smoking by the time I was 6 weeks! She was a healthy 7lb 9oz and absolutely nothing wrong with her.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 01/12/2019 11:37

You don't own the story of his birth.

As the person who gave birth to him and has the scare to show, she has more bloody ownership than that fucker will ever have. And bollocks to telling him in an age appropriate way. That prick was trying to wrote himself in as the better parent in that little story.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 01/12/2019 11:37

*write

changeforprivacy · 01/12/2019 11:41

I don't see the problem at all? Just clarify being asleep wasn't your choice at that point. We have told our kids the string of their births over the years, certainly when they were smaller than 7. I can't see what the problem is here at all. Unless you think this is a slight against you which of course it never could be, as it's a simple and factual story of his birth.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 01/12/2019 11:48

I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to tell a small child that they stooped breathing after they were born and needed al, that help. Children can become worried about all sorts of things and putting it in their head that they can stop breathing just gives them something else to worry or obsess over. What kind of benefit is a small child going to get from a story like that?

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2019 11:50

Maybe he said asleep as it's easier to understand. Personally I'd not think this was inappropriate, as long as it wasn't done to scare your son. I'm assuming the conversation came up.

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2019 11:52

As the person who gave birth to him and has the scare to show, she has more bloody ownership than that fucker will ever have

Do you know him? I'm assuming so, as otherwise I can't fathom why you'd be referring to him as that fucker based on so little information.

WyfOfBathe · 01/12/2019 12:03

It's DS's medical information. I don't think there's anything wrong in him being told. My DC both like asking to be told about when they were babies, and my 3 year old knows she had to stay in hospital for a bit because she was poorly when she was born (nothing as serious as stopping breathing, though).

As others have said, make it clear you didn't choose to be asleep, but I really don't think it's inappropriate for him to know, as long as it was explained well.

Josette77 · 01/12/2019 12:07

I don't get how this is inappropriate?

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/12/2019 12:07

It is appropriate for a 7yr old to know about their birth. I see nothing to get outraged about. It is fine for a boy to ask his father about his birth. Even by age 7 there are things a boy is more comfortable asking another male (their father) about than their mother. I see nothing wrong with how it was related either.

The birth story belongs to the 7 yr old as it was his birth.

changeforprivacy · 01/12/2019 12:14

I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to tell a small child that they stooped breathing after they were born and needed al, that help.

I have always told mine how they needed help to breath when they were born.

Children can become worried about all sorts of things and putting it in their head that they can stop breathing just gives them something else to worry or obsess over.

I have never told them they stopped breathing

What kind of benefit is a small child going to get from a story like that?

Well age appropriate telling and reassurance that it isn't something that will happen to them next week is a good way to go.

My kids all loved the stories of their births. DD is 9 and despite being told the story many many times over the years she still had no idea how serious it was, because she is a child and there are ways to tell the story

Arguably I could ask whey the benefit is in not telling them?

ohdearmymistake · 01/12/2019 12:15

Perhaps you could explain the difference between being a sleep and a GA, how they cut you open, pulled out a new human being that the doctors and nurses immediately started to look after while your XDH just sat around and did nothing.

changeforprivacy · 01/12/2019 12:24

Oh FFS NO!

Don't make the child birth story part of the adults argument fgs. What is wrong with you that you would use this to tell a child their father was useless.

People need to grow the fuck up and realise what's important here. Give the child their birth story and keep the parents issues the fuck out of it.

Imagine your own birth being tainted by your mums dig at your dad

namechanger0987 · 01/12/2019 12:35

I think it's hard to know if you abu or not unless you know the context in which it was said.... IE if your son was asking questions and dad explained it to him in an age appropriate way then it's fine. 'Mam was asleep because she had to have an operation'
If it was a dig at you as in if he said 'I had to deal with it all myself because your mam was having a nap'
2 completely different things

Echobelly · 01/12/2019 12:50

I am thinking it's possible the DS just didn't understand it correctly, like ExH might have said 'was asleep because of the anaesthetic' and he didn't recall that bit because of the unfamiliar word.

Bluerussian · 01/12/2019 13:02

The way your ex put it was totally inappropriate, it was not the whole story. Why did your little boy have to be told about it at his age anyway? Very unfair.

You say you loathe your ex but honestly it would be a good idea to have a word with him about what he said, or maybe get someone else to do it, someone to whom you are both close.

I'm sure you've explained to your son now and reassured him but it shouldn't have been necessary.

& for you.
for your son.
[empty] for your ex.

HouseOfCrayCray · 01/12/2019 13:07

Apart from the "you were asleep" comment, yabu

whatnow40 · 01/12/2019 13:51

My DS is now 8 and has enjoyed his birth story for many years and often asks questions. It's always been age appropriate and more detail added as he's asked. But this was tied in with his conception story as well, explaining how much we wanted him and we had to wait a very long time for someone so special.

We had IVF and I've explained it didn't work the first time either, we're incredibly lucky to have him. His birth was an EMCS and I wasn't allowed to hold him at first as I was reacting badly to the spinal block. He asks if I was sad that I couldn't hold him. It's an opportunity to reinforce just how loved and precious he is, how we as parents have put him first and that it took a team of very clever people to bring life in to the world.

OP you need the context of the conversation and what your ex was trying to achieve. Now you can keep working with your DS on his birth story and use it as a positive for him.

gamerwidow · 01/12/2019 13:55

My DD has always loved to hear all the details of her birth including me being asleep because I had to have a GA and her being cut out of me. She also likes to see my scar and hear about the silly things I said when I was on gas and air. She does love a bit of drama though.

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