To feel so very sad

[Memoriesmemories]

Hello, apologies if this is in the wrong place. Wasn't sure where to post.
Is delayed grief actually a thing? I'm just wondering as I lost both of my grandmothers within 5 months of each other in 1986 when I was 8. Both cancer, both suffered terribly. Have memories of visiting both in hospital and being bewildered and sad at how ill they looked. One was in her early 50s, the other one was early 60s and I was close to both. Although I have memories, I feel in a way I've subconsciously blocked a lot out but at times experience sudden flashbacks of a vivid scene from the past which can be upsetting. The fact that my parents are also getting older strikes fear into me as I am terrified of losing them.
I've been feeling a bit emotional and weepy lately and was over at my dads having a clean and clear out to help him and came across a ladies handbag, a brown 80s style one. I instantly recognised it as my grandmothers and all the memories came flooding back. I held onto the bag and truly sobbed my heart out. Thankfully I was alone as dad had gone out. I think it made me even sadder as dad had obviously been holding on to his mum's bag all these years as a memento of her. I don't know why it's upset me so much. I miss both my grandmothers very much and I think of them a lot but just lately have found it very difficult to deal with and the intensity of the raw grief which I've suppressed for years. Finding grans bag just floored me today.
Sorry for the long post

Ya know. Turn it around. Both my grandmas didn’t like me They absolutely adored their own child and me coming along ruined that bond
You are so so lucky that they cared 💐

@QOD thanks for the reply. I'm so sorry to hear that 😔

I guess I was lucky in the way that they were always very loving towards me and my brother.

Do you talk about your grandparents?

Memories

You can repress grief to the point that your body starts to experience it as pain. That all sounds incredibly upsetting and it’s difficult as a child to process grief in a healthy way. Grief is a road, a long one, with potholes and wrong turns and cul-de-sacs. There’s no right or wrong way to experience it, but for your own mental well-being you need to find a way which works for you.

It’s ok to hold a handbag and have a bawl. It’s ok to think of your Grandmas and miss them. Don’t bottle it up, let it flow, then see how you feel in a couple of days

I dont know anything about delayed grief but I have experienced a memory getting unlocked like that. A grandmother is a very special thing. I'm sorry you lost both yours so young.

@parkheadparadise yes we talk about them a lot

@badgerthebodger thank you, it like I haven't grieved for years yet all of a sudden it's raw. Hard to explain.

@Enoughisenoughhhhh that's exactly how I'd describe it, like a memory suddenly becoming unlocked. I'd forgotten all about the bag until I saw it then it was suddenly all rushing back! Thank you

I'm so sorry for your loss

You lost both your grandmothers too soon, they should've had many more years and you were a young child who was robbed of time with them. You were probably shielded from things too, so you couldn't grieve properly at the time.

I was very close to both my grandmothers, but they were 89 & 98 when they died so I had a life with them, lots of memories & losing them, while hard, felt in the natural order of things. Also, I was an adult when they died, so it was easier to process things.

You didn't get that, you lost your grandmothers as a young child and I'm not surprised you are hurting & that it has resurfaced now.

I think some counselling might help you to work through your feelings and allow you to grieve properly.

@DramaAlpaca thank you, yes both my brother and I were shielded as much as possible back then. I know our parents thought it was for the best at the time. We didn't attend either funeral, we didn't see them when they were very near to dying. It's like I was upset when they first died and then didnt really feel sad for years until now. It's like a void and I'm now going through it. I think counselling would be a good thing but I know I'll cry if I try and talk about it and I'm cautious about opening up to someone in person

Don't worry about crying in front of a counsellor, crying is good. It'll help.

I wish you all the best

Thank you, dramaalpaca

Counsellors are used to people crying.

I've spent the whole session crying with a counsellor before.

It's probably a combination of the feelings you felt for them and the feelings you feel for your parents and your worries about what's in store for them.

I had lost one set of Grandparents before I was 8 & I can still remember them, but I can't remember what their voices sounded like, I am luckier than my brother, he can't remember them at all. I was too young to grieve properly for them, I can remember feeling sad when my dad told me that they had died but that is all. I lost a friend who was killed in a car crash when I was nearly 9, she was only 5 & I still miss her now, her sister is the same age as me & she feels that she was too young to understand that her sister had died & is only now grieving for her.

Oh, my darling. As PPs have suggested, perhaps counselling would be helpful. I lost my beloved Granda in 1992 and I have only a couple of photos of him. I was the oldest grandchild and the only one that remembers him clearly. Every time I look at a photo of him (I can't keep them out on display) I weep like a child. I too was shielded from what was actually going on and I didn't know how ill he was before he died. I wish I'd have made more of the time I had with him. I take that feeling now though and try to help it make me a better person towards those I love. I try so hard to be kind to my loved ones as you never know when which interaction will be your last with them. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, but just wanted to share. ❤

I know exactly how you are feeling @Memoriesmemories
My maternal gran committed suicide when I was 11 and my brother was 13. She was our last remaining grandparent and we spent a lot of time with her especially in the holidays as she lived several miles away.
I don’t remember being very upset at the time, I think our parents shielded us from what had happened but I can remember mum saying that gran missed Popa so much that she wanted to be with him.
It’s only now 40 + years later that I often feel cheated out of having a relationship with her. She was only about 65 and in good health when she died. My mum is coming up for 87 so she could have potentially had a long life.
Be kind to your self and certainly don’t worry about crying in front of a counsellor, I was in therapy for years and when things were really hard I would often spend the whole session in tears

Thank you all
@fudgesmummy so sorry 😔
I have been reading through the thread, thank you all for your kind words

I lost a baby brother when I was a child in the 80s. My parents never spoke of him, my sibling and I were shielded from what had happened and only told basic information and didn't go to the funeral. I can't say that my parents handled it wrong, because I am now a mum myself and cannot imagine how they got through the days at all never mind thinking about dealing with their children's grief, and the impact of bereavement in childhood wasn't understood in the 80s. I didn't grieve at all until I was an adult, and probably still haven't properly grieved and worked through what happened and the implications it had for our family life. Delayed grief was very much a thing for me and it hit me hard when I went away to university. I know this is very different to you because you had had many years of memories with your grandmas and I never actually met my brother (he died in NICU). It is good that you have people to talk about your granmas to and share the memories, hopefully that will help you process this.

@happypotamus so sorry to hear of your brother