How the hell do you cope with your mothers?

[itseasybeingcheesy]

I seriously need some tried and tested coping mechanisms to help me manage my fractious relationship with my mother.

She's domineering, over the top, critical, dislikes my husband, idolises the children, is self centred and is a perfectionist. Despite all of that I very much want to continue having her in our life as when she's calm she is lovely and my children adore her. She's very difficult to actually keep in that sweet spot though.

We see her approx once a week or every two weeks. She criticised me in a "helpful giving you tips" kind of way all day and overrode me with the children but I tolerated it and kept the peace. She picked arguments and got impatient and irritable towards the end of the day. I broke up a recurring argument between my two DDs and finished it off by throwing out the item causing the dispute and putting one child on the time out step who was misbehaving beyond limits.

My mum reacted to this by literally gathering her things and shouting "that's it I can't stand this, your poor children, I'm leaving" and stormed out. The kids ran after her saying "you haven't said goodbye nana, don't go yet" and she ignored them and stormed away.

Now my children have been really well behaved all day, this is the only time I've had to discipline them, she just hates that I give them any discipline - yet is scathing about anyone who doesn't discipline their children. She simply expects us all to be perfect.

These type of incidents are common and she is like a simmering pot ready to flip into crazy mode at any given point. How the hell do I manage this????? Not wanting to drip feed but also not wanting to write my memoirs so don't tear strips off me please.

Advice desperately welcome.

@itseasybeingcheesy I suppose DH could try saying to mum that you both feel thankful for them having such a nice grandmother.

And show her things about what they've done recently. Hopefully she might relax a bit towards him.

It's difficult if she's bitter about past experiences. She should actually be happy you've met a caring man and take care of each other, but yes it's draining at times facing attitude.

cut you off in the middle of a conversation to spend half an hour or more telling you the minute detail of a story from work where invariably she has been slighted by someone, has saved the day, or has been the best person ever employed by that company in the world

This HER to an absolute TEE

ARE WE RELATED??

Ha! My mother's perennial refrain about anything is BUT I MY MOTHER DIED WHEN I WAS 7.

Given that she's in her seventies now my sympathy has worn thin. I've been hearing it for decades. If I say anything like I don't understand how she can't read a bill BUT MY MOTHER DIED...

She's university educated, I find this exasperating. I've tried to arrange counselling but she won't go.

If I say why did you ignore so and so? BUT MY MOTHER DIED WHEN I WAS 7

I suck in my teeth quite sharply now when I hear it. I'll suck them out and swallow them one day. I understand the loss in some way split her brain but she should have sought help, 50 years ago...?

My mum tells reminiscent stories of things that never happened. My aunt & uncle verify this. Some stuff she says she experienced stopped long before she was born.

I hardly ever invite my mum to my home because of her criticism. She doesn't change furniture but has to inspect things and comments have been less than kind.

She's a "worrier" too. But of the kind that worries so much that she ends up the one to pity.
So, I don't tell her about stuff in my life in general.
I don't confide in her, and it must puzzle her because apparently lots of people do. But she's different with her children.
She compares grandchildren and was worried at some point that there was something wrong with my DS. So, I ignore her.

It's sad because we could have a good relationship but I don't think any of her 3 children likes her that much. We spend as little time as possible and don't discuss most of our issues with her.

Oh, sometimes it pays to have a bad temper too. Accommodating them too much leads to them thinking they can do what they like.

@VanyaHargreeves maybe we have duplicate mothers!

@Frownette that's good advice, if I'm honest I've stopped complimenting her much because she revels in it and it's a horrible personality trait to be around. I often tell her how much the kids love her and how the love spending time with her but I like the suggestion of getting DH in on that. I suppose she's been so intolerant of his presence in our lives that he doesn't see why he should bother going out of his way to be overly kind to her (even though he's always civil, polite, friendly) as she never returns any kindness to him.

I agree with seeing her less and distancing yourself from her.
You won't change her.
She is s who she is.
Can you have arrangements already the next time she was rd to come to yours?
Can you suggest she takes the kids alone so you don't have to listen to her moaning?

The thing which made it better for me was moving, not far but it did stop her 'popping' over.
When I lived close by it drove me to the point of insanity with her just appearing whenever she wished, no matter how busy or tired I was.
Now I don't involve her much in my day to day life. It's easier now my dc are older and after the initial feelings of FOG , I now feel so much happier.

All this resonates so much with me! I didn’t even realise my mum wasn’t really behaving normally or reasonably towards me until we went on holiday together, me, my parents and my kids, at the time aged 2 and 6 I think, and it was my first trip as a single parent so they were along for moral support and a bit of practical help.

One evening when I was having trouble settling over-excited kids to sleep she ends up absolutely raging at me, telling me I obviously wasn’t coping as a lone parent, I was cruel to my youngest, she couldn’t stand being there any longer. She left and got the train home halfway through the holiday. That was a line in the sand for me. If you can’t be supportive of your daughter when she’s at a low ebb, recently divorced and with very young children, that is your issue not hers (is hers not mine!).

Once I had a clearer head I could look at other things she had a problem with with realise I was not the problem, she was. Things I did she disapproved of included wanting to spend time with my friends, taking my toddler daughter to a coffee shop (because it isn’t a child-centred activity), laying down with my kids until they fell asleep, taking them to a ‘kiddy disco’ on holiday (it was too late apparently) and wanting to eat in a restaurant to give me a break from cooking seeing as we were on holiday. She would also be annoyed if she wanted a glass of wine/slice of cake/‘naughty’ treat and I didn’t, as if I was somehow doing that to spite her rather than simply doing and eating what I actually wanted.

This makes me pray I will never be like any of our mothers to my children. I just can't imagine being this spiteful to my own children.

Thanks for this, this sharing of experiences makes me realise that whilst it's not normal I'm also very much not alone.

The stately homes thread is enlightening also! I kind of feel like I belong in that village if you know what I mean?

Mine claims to have brought up her younger siblings from age 2 and. A half, something a younger sibling strenuously denies, but there is no gainsaying her. She has a horrible patronising laugh which just means she doesn’t believe something if it doesn’t fit in with her beliefs. I feel sorry for her now that dad has died, she did zero re finance and bills etc, steep learning curve. I live miles away, a good 5 hour drive. I feel (slightly) guilty that her sibling is now lumped with helping her.