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Original poster

How can I help my friend?

22 replies

Rosie105 · 30/11/2019 17:42

I have a friend who is 37 and has a baby who is 16 months old and I'm extremely worried about them. I'm pretty certain my friend is autistic. I don't say this lightly, I've 2 adult DC who are diagnosed and she's just like them, if anything, more so.

She's not coping with life very well and hasn't been for some time. I keep trying to help her but she won't accept any help or advice and to be honest it''s getting worse and worse. She has this image in her head of the parent she wants to be and how she wants to parent and she's absolutely rigid about it. It like some 'earth mother' 'all natural' position, which is fine if it was working, but it isn't. It seriously isn't and something's got to give.

It's come to a head today. I was meeting some friends for lunch and I invited her along. By the time she got there she was on the bring of full meltdown. The anger and stress was coming off her in waves because the baby had cried in the car the whole way and she can't cope with it. She's extremely sensitive to noise. My other friends were shocked because the first thing she said was 'does anyone have a gun because right now I'd be happy to shoot him'. I put it down as a throw away comment anyone could make when stressed but my other friends who don't know her well were horrified.

Then throughout the meal she just couldn't calm down. I tried to offer help, shall I hold him while you eat, and advice on how to deal with the screaming in the car but everything got batted away very angrily. She was snapping, very aggressively at her stepchild who was there and the poor kid had done nothing. To be honest I was glad when it was over as it was exhausting.

Since then I've had both my other friends on the phone, genuinely worried and telling me that I have to call social services and talk to them about her. They think I'm slightly immune to the severity of her anger and stress because of years of my 2. They're probably right to an extent. But if I do call social services, she'll know it was me and she'll never speak to me again. This worries me too as she doesn't really have any other friends or family so it'll get worse without the little support she'll let me give.

She has had some contact with social services over access issues with her stepson and I know they have organised an anger management course for her. But I don't think they have a clue about how bad she gets.

What the hell do I do? It's a mess and I want to help but at the same time I have enough on my plate supporting my own 2. I just can't get through to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosie105 · 30/11/2019 17:45

Sorry that was long, and it's only the tip of the iceberg.

OP posts:

LIZS · 30/11/2019 17:49

Can you offer to watch the baby while she has time out - for a walk, yoga/mindfulness session, time to herself? Is there any reason the baby cries, is he happy when they set off? Do you know her hv?

Original poster

Rosie105 · 30/11/2019 17:59

I've offered but she won't accept. She won't even let me hold him so she can go for a pee in peace. Because she knows he'll cry because he want's to be with her and she can't bear the thought of him crying.

I suspect the baby cries in the car because he he's bored, he doesn't want to be in his seat, and he knows that if he keeps it up she'll eventually stop the car and get him out.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 30/11/2019 18:03

Ask your two friends to report her...

Original poster

Rosie105 · 30/11/2019 18:06

I did. They're thinking about it but really want me to do it as I know her better.

I don't know who her health visitor is, but we live in a very small town so I have thought about going to see my old one as they all work out of the same health centre.

OP posts:

Tonz · 30/11/2019 18:10

Sorry but ur friendship shouldn’t come before these poor children u wouldn’t be able to live with urself if something happens. She needs help and support but like u say she isn’t listening to u maybe some outside help will benefit her and the children

RandomMess · 30/11/2019 18:17

Why are they "thinking" about it? They rang you saying it's so awful!!!

If they report her you can still support her as a friend and the DC will get help 🤷🏽‍♀️

TowelNumber42 · 30/11/2019 18:19

Christ alive. You don't want to report serious child abuse because the abuser might not want to be your friend afterwards. I am speechless.

If they live to adulthood maybe you'll explain how you valued a cup of coffee in Costa now and then over whatever horrors she has subjected them to.

This is what she does in public. What happens behind closed doors? When she's in court or there is a serious case review and the police come to talk to you, how will you explain that you didn't report it? How will you look at yourself in the mirror?

Original poster

Rosie105 · 30/11/2019 18:22

That's what my friends said. 'Friend support' isn't working. But then again, neither is professional support. She came round my house a few weeks ago in a rage because her health visitor had expressed concern about the baby's weight and size and tries to talk to her about his diet. She was furious and didn't want to hear it and got angry with me when it seemed that I agreed with the health visitor.

One of my friends is emigrating next week, hence the meal out. I'm hoping she'll make the call as she then won't be around to deal with the fall out. If not I'm going to have to. I am wondering though if I should tell her. Would that be better than going behind her back or would that just make things even worse?

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 30/11/2019 18:25

Stop thinking about the abuser. Start thinking about the children.

No, don't warn her. That's when she's most likely to actually murder them or batter them.

Original poster

Rosie105 · 30/11/2019 18:26

Christ alive. You don't want to report serious child abuse because the abuser might not want to be your friend afterwards. I am speechless.

Well maybe you should read what I actually wrote then and then you'll get your power of speech back. I'm concerned that it will further isolate her and her baby and therefore make the situation worse for her and her baby.

So fuck off with your nasty, snide judgment towards someone seeking advice on how to help a very vulnerable woman and her baby.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 30/11/2019 18:27

I mean support her when the shit hits the fan!

You can't make her improve her parenting.

If your friends won't report then you need to.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 30/11/2019 18:30

Social Services have been involved due to access with the step child and she’s been sent on an anger management course by them? So she’s already known to SS? You have to report this. Right now. Threshold for intervention is so high, she must have done something fucking awful to be sent on a course.

Drum2018 · 30/11/2019 18:32

Go to the Health centre and speak to any HV there. They can then figure out who she sees and hopefully they will look into things.

TowelNumber42 · 30/11/2019 18:33

I did read what you wrote. More than once. You are protecting a highly abusive dangerous woman. You hope someone else will do the right thing so you don't have to. It is wrong. This is how such abuse thrives.

LIZS · 30/11/2019 18:34

If she is not listening to advice then sooner or later she will come under scrutiny. They could already have concerns about his care. Does she have a partner? Babies do not cry just for sake of it - is he overtired, hungry, cold, uncomfortable? Is she overly possessive , perhaps so that you or others cannot see any signs of lack of care. Poor lo.

Original poster

Rosie105 · 30/11/2019 18:51

She has a partner but he has some sort of mental impairment. He reminds me of Forest Gump in that he kind and gentle but he's not firing on all cylinders. There's a belief that he may have fetal alcohol syndrome. That's why social services were involved in his access with his older child. The anger management was arranged because he's the one bearing the brunt of her stress. She asked for it because she was shouting at him all the time.

OP posts:

LIZS · 30/11/2019 19:24

It is good she has some self awareness but the baby being unsettled could also be from her behaviour or level of care. Until and unless she realises that and makes positive changes it would be beneficial to have hcp input. What is the issue over weight and weaning? Does she visit baby clinic , Children's centre/activities, engage with support services?

feelingsinister · 30/11/2019 19:30

I don't think it makes a difference who makes the report, you can ask that your details aren't shared.
She'll possibly assume it was you anyway and you have more information to offer so can make a more meaningful referral that people who don't know her.

ysmaem · 30/11/2019 19:56

OP she clearly needs help immediately. You've tried helping her and clearly it's not working. That child is at risk.

Tonz · 30/11/2019 20:12

No I wouldn’t warn her u were reporting her because she doesn’t sound approachable so U have no idea how she would react. I also agree with a pp if that’s what she’s like in public what will she be like in private.
If something really bad happens u will wish ud done something. She needs some help

Coffeecoffeecoughcough · 30/11/2019 20:20

Oh that’s so difficult. That poor kid.

I highly suspect my mum has ASD and it has messed me up quite a bit. My siblings have it but I don’t for some reason.

Please see if there’s a health visiting team you can speak to... if not then I think social services will be your only option

Good luck OP!

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