Just seen my rapist, he now knows where I work, how can I calm my anxiety to get me through the day.

[BoswellsBollocks]

I was opening up at work this morning, he was right there on the street opposite and saw me straight away.

I have managed to avoid seeing him for about 10 years or more and my reaction totally surprised me, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, tears came from nowhere and I just wanted to run.

He sat in the cafe opposite and I saw him look over a couple of times.

I’ve calmed down a bit now but my heart rate is still up and I feel like I cold burst in to tears at any moment. I can’t leave work, what can I do that’ll help me feel calmer?

I hate that he made me feel like this.

Is there anyone around you that you feel close enough to tell? Maybe it will help you to feel safer if someone is watching out for you?

I don't have any experience or training so I'm not sure if my advice should be taken or not. Just want to say sorry that this has been thrown into your life again today!

Did you report it before? Could there be some restraining order placed?

Oh fucking Hell OP

Hot, sweet tea for the shock.

Do you have someone you can call who can spend the day with you at work? I would if you were my friend.

Thank you.

I told my colleague that there was someone out there I wanted to avoid to explain why I was working at the back. She can tell I’m anxious so has been understanding.

I never reported it at the time. I was only 16 and I blamed myself for getting in to the situation. I only told DH the full details 4 or 5 years ago. I thought I’d buried it down deep enough, I never for one moment thought I’d react like this on seeing him. Disgust and revulsion maybe, but not this awful fear.

Bloody horrendous for you. Can you get your DH to meet you from work?

I think it might be a good idea to phone the Rape Crisis helpline.

Well done for sharing it on here. It’s not your shame it is his, so don’t feel you have to keep it hidden. Agree with the others, can you get your DH to come? Is it likely you will see him again, does he live near you? Did you report it at the time, were there repercussions for him? I’m sorry you’re going through this....

OP I have the same reaction whenever I see my abusive ex (thankfully only twice in 4 years, and both times I was in a car and drove past him) and I had the exact same reaction. Pure fear. Flight mode. Racing heart and head. All senses on high alert for danger. It’s horrendous.

Un-Mumsnetty hugs from me

Thank you all so much.

It was over 20 years ago now, I feel daft still letting it get to me like this.

DH picks me up from work anyway so he’ll be there at the end of the day thankfully.

My chest hurts and I’m tensing myself. I feel like I just want to shake myself loose or something.

Oh god I can't imagine - I had a meeting with a woman with the feminine name as my rapist (ie she was Joanne Barker and he is Joe Barker) and I was absolutely floored. If I saw him I would collapse.

You're doing really well - agree to stay out the back and get someone to walk out with you at the end of your shift.

Do you think you're in danger?

It was traumatic and you don’t have any control over how a trigger for that trauma makes you feel, so go easy on yourself OP. Of course the lack of control over your reaction can then bring the other lack of control from the incident back...

You were a child when it happened Do you think you could report him now? I understand if the answer is no.
.Have you had any counselling? Even if you don't feel able to report it you could phone a help line to talk through how you feel.
In either case he has no right to make you feel like this you are not being stupid your reaction seems very rational, I think most of us would feel the same.

You poor thing, that's awful. Thing is, as many therapists will tell you, sometimes it's years later that the full effect of previous events and situations can be felt. You're not the one at fault here.

1. Please ring the Rape Crisis line, they will be able to give you good, practical advice. Number is 0808 802 9999 (12-2:30 and 7-9:30) or the website is rapecrisis.org.uk - there are others as well, there's a list at www.itv.com/thismorning/rape-helplines

1. Sounds like you work in a supportive workplace. Can you let your manager or a trusted colleague know? Not the details, just that there is someone who makes you feel very uneasy. Especially if you're ever in a "lone worker" situation. From what you've said, it sounds as if you might work somewhere that the public come in?

1. And definitely get your DH to come and meet you if he can, or if not, take a trusted taxi home if you're in a position to afford it?

I’m so sorry.

Please be so kind to yourself

Some hot sweet tea, a lot of the other posters have given great advice, so you could follow that all up later.
It has been a number of years, your appearance has probably changed-if it's any consolation-hopefully he didn't recognise you.
I also second getting your DH to collect you or a friend at least.

Is he still there lovely? Have you been able to look?
It's possible he didn't recognise you and just went in the café anyway and has gone now. This must be the most horrible, awful thing.
How are you doing now?

Thank you all for your help and support, Mumsnet is the greatest best of effing vipers!

I calmed down a lot this afternoon. My colleagues fed me chocolate and were really supportive despite not knowing the details.

I told dh what happened and he has been lovely, he cooked tea, sorted the kids and poured me wine. He mentioned counselling too without being pushy so maybe it’s a step I’ll take some time in the future.

Thank you all again for your support

Thanks for updating, OP, I was worried about you! Glad you're ok and your dh sounds lovely, I'm glad you've got a good'n. Take care of yourself.

I am glad you updated too, I was concerned for you and hope your doing a bit better.
Your DH sounds lovely and his suggestion for counselling is a good one.
I wish you the best