What do you do when your child is the naughty one?

[cindylouwhosplaits]

DS(10) in Y6. Adopted by us when 6yo and suffered terribly previously with abuse/neglect then numerous moves whilst in care.

He is a lovely boy, very bright and can be so polite and loving. But he is also extremely difficult to manage at school (and occasionally at home) when something doesn't go his way or he is asked to stop a task. He cannot handle the playground, corridors or PE because he gets so hyper and dangerous. He gets very obsessed with people and things (TTRockstars or Lego at the moment) and is utterly absorbed to a point of zoning out completely from his surroundings.

Things he's done since September include: "playfully" smacking a girls bottom in PE, climbing up a wall and banging on class windows from outside after he had been sent out of class for something, escaping for 20 minutes when no one knew where he was (within school grounds) been rude to staff, kicked someone in the playground, tried to stab someone with a pencil because they stopped him doing something he shouldn't be doing during a science experiment and today hidden under a table then run around turning all his peers computers off at the plug because it was time to go to his next lesson and he didn't want to go. Within 10 minutes of all of these incidents, he is back to smiling and being polite and off to his next lesson calmly.

Please believe me when I say that I am NOT the kind of person that accepts this kind of behaviour. I talk to him every day about keeping his hands to himself. About being kind. About taking a breath before making the wrong choice. About how everyone has the right to feel safe at school. He has no real friends and sometimes doesn't speak to a child all day-he absolutely cannot hold a conversation.

We have had family DDP therapy, he has had 10 sessions of occupational therapy to try to recognise when he might be getting angry, I've done weekly theraplay sessions with him and his adoption social worker for weeks, I've been on a therapeutic parenting course earlier this year which I really thought would help but hasn't. I have read so many books. I've tried being strict, having consequences and telling offs. I've tried being gentle and understanding and "leaving school at school". I've tried Rewards/no rewards. And combinations of them all.

Parents complain about him (rightly so) and I have been confronted by an angry parent on more than one occasion. I am a nervous wreck at the moment as the episodes have really ramped up this year and I dread the phone ringing all day. School have asked me to collect him twice over the past month and I have and I have also kept him home for a "mental health day" at their request, but I know I should ask for a formal exclusion rather than allow him to be informally excluded by me taking him out of the situation.

Post Adoption Support Worker is lovely and helpful but has offered us everything they have pretty much. He also absolutely wants to go to school. If I suggest a day off he gets extremely angry and confrontational, which I believe is down to his need for routine and structure. He can go days where he is perfect, then from nowhere an episode.

School are starting an EHCP but I am sceptical they will get it as his results are exceeding in every subject (except PE) and the fact he can behave for days without a problem. I'm not sure what they would even need to be able to support him or how they would manage even with the EHCP because I really doubt he would tolerate a TA sitting next to him in lessons all day, every day as he likes to sit on his own. He also won't leave lessons for any interventions because he doesn't want to miss anything. There are no SEMH/BESD provisions in our area that fit his needs.

This is so long and rambling but I could really do with any advice and opinions. I am willing to try pretty much anything.

It clearly stems from his early development and a programme to address that seems like the best option. It's so hard as early development has such a massive impact on how our brains grow. Something like thrive may work. I'm sure there are other similar programmes out there but thrive is what my school use to try and help with children who didn't have their early developmental needs met for whatever reason.

Just keep pushing for something to be done. Be that annoying parent. Sometimes you just have to be and believe me, it works!

Have you tried the Nurtured Heart Approach by Howard Glasser? It was originally developed for high intensity children who get in a lot of trouble. Could be worth a look.

The EHCP might not be a bad idea. It isn’t just to find a TA sat next to children, if his need is attachment/SEMH then it can be used to fund that. I have worked with a lot of adopted children who behave in a similar way to your son and we have offered numerous things before going down the EHCP route (music/art therapy, counselling sessions, additional equipment). What is the school spending his pupil premium money on as that should be used to support him as well. The last time I spoke to my local authority there were discussions being had about more adopted children and looked after children receiving EHCPs as they recognised how much they can struggle emotionally. Sorry I can’t offer any more practical advice but I would be asking the school what they are putting in place to support his SEMH needs.

I work in SEMH and SEND and I would say he sounds like alot of young people I've worked with who have attachment disorder. I would push for diagnosis, a plan would not necessarily mean a TA next to him all day, it should be tailored to the childs needs and help him to access learning. For example he should be getting more fore warning, a time out card, specially tailored tasks, more therapy for sure amoung other things. I can't believe a child with his background is just being expected to act the same as all the others. He has a condition which is as valid as any other learning need and it really needs to be treated as such. It can take a long time so asap before he moves up as that will be a very hard transition for someone who is anxious probably all the time.
He's not naughty OP he sounds lovely, as do you.

@kmammamalto Thank you for saying that- he really isn't naughty. He just gets overwhelmed and the fight/flight kicks in. I know if I told these parents half of the things that happened to him before age 4 they would probably be shocked that he looks so "normal". He has a diagnoses of "attachment issues" along with sensory processing disorder and executive functioning problems. In our county we have a different system, so he is at this school from Y5-Y8, so already in a setting where he is in ability sets for English and Maths with different subject teachers for every lesson and moving around to different classrooms etc. He managed ok (ish) last year, but intensity of the issues have really increased this year.

I will also have a proper look at the Nurture Heart tomorrow as it looks very interesting.

MrG- that's very interesting and I will certainly explore more avenues for what can be done to help. The PP+ issue has come up because I asked what it was being used for and was pretty much fobbed off. I find dealing with so many professionals absolutely exhausting and pick my battles where I have to, so let that one slide. It's also very difficult when I feel that I'm almost being blamed and being held to account for his actions, despite them knowing his history.

kmammamalto: He's not naughty OP he sounds lovely, as do you.
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Yes, you sound great op.

I was like your son in many ways, I wish I had had the help that is available now. When I was a child I was just considered badly behaved and quite, honestly, nobody cared. Adopted children were just supposed to be 'grateful' - for everything that children generally take for granted!
I'm OK now though :-), it does come to an end eventually and your boy seems really bright, there will come a time when he is able to see things far more clearly and understand himself.

All the very best to you .

Nothing practical to offer OP but to say you are a fab mum and your little boy deserves a fab mum like you.

BTW you said he can go a while without this behaviour, does he get a reward then?

Also maybe he is bored on top of other issues, a child who has been in care for half their life and not with one foster family has had a bad start to education so exceeding under those circumstances... well he must be bright.

One last thought, I personally don't like to change routines, but a countdown can help, so, "In ten mins we will be...", then again at 5 mins and again at 1 min.

Ah he has a diagnosis! Well in that case the school sound like they're not doing enough! sorry OP I only know the UK sort of rules on this stuff so I don't feel confident advising much other than I'm fairly sure the school should be supporting him more than they are. I also worked at brilliant SEMH special schools. They sound scary but are absolutely the best things for some. Is there a senco at the school? Sorry if you've been struggling to get the help you deserve. It's a much over looked area of need!

@cindylouwhosplaits do you know who your designated LAC person is at school? Quite often it’s the Head, deputy or SENco but worth finding out as they are absolutely responsible for the spending of the money, and if my memory serves me correctly (been a few years since I was the LAC person) they have to prove where the money has gone for ofsted purposes etc. Certainly worth pursuing this avenue. And it’s absolutely not your fault. Have they been on training for children with your son’s background? Attachment is a huge topic right now. They should also be in contact with the virtual school who support schools with children who are adopted. Good lucj

The explosive child as well. And the author's other books and his website. Sorry I can't remember which Dr. Greene he is - not the toddler taming one!