12 year old self harming

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We’ve recently found out my beautiful baby has been cutting herself.

She recently started secondary school and has been telling me she thinks no one likes her, but I told her it was normal and not to worry. She has so many friends but I felt like she was acting paranoid.

Her lovely friends told a teacher, and they’re taking good care of her at school. But I feel so numb.

How do I take care of her? I’ve remained as normal as possible with little conversations every so often about it. But I’m so lost and angry at myself.

She’s been feeling self conscious about her face with spots and eyebrows. Should I love bomb her and get her a make over with a new hair cut and neatened eye brows? I’m sorry if this sounds so stupid and vain but I don’t know what to do apart from talk to her and tell her I love her to make her feel better.

We are so close. She tells me absolutely everything about school and friends but she kept this from me. And I feel like I failed her with my stupid “it’s normal at your age” comments.

Give her loads of time and attention. If money will stretch to letting her have some beauty treatments she wants then there is no harm, but don't focus your praise on her physical appearance.

Girls who are involved in sports activities have lower levels of self-harm, but that might be a hard sell if she is not already involved.

I'd try and build in a regular time where you can connect - maybe an activity or meal together. It can be helpful to have a conversation that covers:

1. When are you likely to have thoughts about harming yourself?
2. What might you do?
3. How would I know you needed extra support?
4. What helps when you feel like harming yourself?

There are some good apps available based on DBT that some people find helpful - headspace is one.

Don't be afraid to ask about whether she is thinking about ending her life. Asking about this won't make it more likely to happen, and open conversation can reduce the likelihood of acting on thoughts.

You're already doing the right thing by talking to her.

I wouldn't be offering her a make over as it might make her think you agree she could do with some improvements, but rather I'd ask her if there's anything she wants that she thinks might make a difference to how she's feeling.
I know however that when I was a self harming teenager there was nothing that would have made me feel better, I was totally consumed by self hatred and it took many years for me to snap out of it. Hopefully that won't be your daughter (I never talked about it to anyone, and parents never noticed!)

Just keep talking to her, and even when you think she's stopped and is over it keep an eye on her to make sure she's not hood winking you. I'm not suggesting you physically check her arms, legs etc. but if she's suddenly wearing jumpers in July that's a red flag!

Hope all goes well. My heart would be breaking if my child was doing this.