Your 50th birthday - did you or husband plan your celebration?

[TwigTheWonderKid]

DH and have married for almost 25 years. We have very different ideas about birthdays. Money was tight when I was growing up so I didn't have lavish presents but as an only child I was probably a bit spoilt in terms of attention and thoughtfulness and I always had a birthday party. By contrast DH doesn't see birthdays as a big deal and didn't have a single birthday party when he was a child. When we first got together DH didn't even get me a card, but over the years he has learnt to do better and I have also learnt to rein in my expectations, which I also think is healthy in a grown woman!

I've got a big birthday coming up and for some stupid reason I thought that he might have put a little thought into it. I am throwing a party for friends the weekend after my birthday which I am organising but I really thought that he would plan something special for us and our 2 DC. A conversation today made it obvious he thought the party I was organising was plenty and that he wasn't planning anything at all. I feel a bit hurt by this as I guess on some level I must feel that making an effort for your loved one's birthday (and I do mean thoughtfulness, rather than financial extravangance) is a sign that you care but he's really at a loss to know why I am upset.

I suspect of my extreme response is also coloured by the fact my mum died not long after she was 50 and I guess this is also stimulating some deep-seated emotional response.

Anyway, I am interested to know what is reasonable/normal in terms of celebrations and some ideas for celebrating my big day as I probably need to pull my findger out and organise something myself.

I think you need a bit of fuss on your 50 th if that is what you want!

But it wouldn’t occurs to me to organise something for someone without discussing it with them, which I think your post implies? unless you just mean what thinking special dinner can I cook them.

It was DHs birthday last weekend and I chatted to him about what he wanted to do, then I organised it all. I’d definitely expect to do that for my partner.

Hope you get the birthday that you want, and sorry about your mum.

I planned mine because If DH had planned it it would have been a few pints down the pub. I planned it and it was a catered do in the house with champagne and canapés. DH did a playlist.

I hate my birthday and insist on it being totally ignored. DH likes a decent amount of fuss so I do that. We were both 40 this year but I left it to him to guide what he wanted. He organised a night out with a few friends in his hometown so we had his parents to babysit. I made a cake and organised a nice day just us and DC on the day.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to organise something else given he had sorted a night out himself which is what you've said you've done.

In my experience men have to be told in words of one syllable what you want.

If they then don’t come up to scratch with whatever due to lack of consideration they feel my wrath.

I’d be telling him this is what you want, give him a list of what day, time, where to book, what kind of cake and where to buy, what present you want (doesn’t have to be expensive btw, just up to you what you want) who to invite and their phone numbers. Where to buy a 50 balloon etc.
Or whatever it is you want obv. If you don’t tell them they don’t know. Men don’t think like women

Unless hes got form for doing a great birthday surprise, I think you are BU to think he'll pull ot out the bag even for a 50th. Personalities done change for big birthdays.

I appreciate it would be nice if he did, but you cant have a go at him.

This is so relevant, it’s my 50th next year and I’ve had to help DH with ideas!
One of next year’s Grand Prix races is on my birthday and I love F1 and have never been.
I’ll be going next year!

I organised my own as it was easier and ensured that I enjoyed the celebration I wanted.

In my experience men are useless at birthdays. It was my hubbys 50th in April, I organised him a massive surprise party and loads of pressies and a family weekend away.
It's my 50th in February next year, I have organised a family holiday, girlfriends are organising a party for me and I won't expect any presents, unless I decide to treat myself.
We have been together 22yrs I know my hubby loves the bones of me, he just doesn't get the jist of birthdays - never has - doesn't mean he doesn't care. If I want to be spoilt I organise it, it's not perfect but it's us.

My DH can be a bit like yours. So I spelled out in no uncertain terms (but made it a bit tongue in cheek!) what I wanted and what I needed him to do. Ie 'right DH I want a party with a disco and some food. Invite all my friends and family. Plus I would like a cake, a proper professional cake not one from Tesco. I want proper printed invitations to be sent to people and you to do all the admin with RSVPs etc)

Then I left him to it and he was amazing!!! There were things that weren't quite how I would have done them but I was so impressed by the effort and thought he put in.

He kept trying to draw me back in 'right, we really need to get going on this party' and I'd just make non committal 'hmm, yes you do dear' noises until he stopped saying that and started actually doing stuff (much much later than I would have liked but I had to resist the urge to jump in and take over!)

However, if I hadn't said anything, I'd have had the same tried and tested gifts that I get every year and maybe going out for a meal locally.