Marriage

[Coislaoi]

I'm looking for some advice about marriage please. I hope my views don't offend anybody
My partner and I have been together for 7 years and we are very much in love. However, marriage was never something I aspired to; I hate the fuss, being centre of attention and the unnecessary cost for what is in essence, a legal contract. My partner is aware of this and I thought accepting of this. Recently, my sister was diagnosed with a serious illness and it highlighted to my partner that our relationship isn't legal. He broached the subject of marriage and suggested we invite immediate family only and celebrate in a nice restaurant. I reacted with fear.The thought of organizing, even such a small intimate affair and being the centre of attention filled me with dread.
On further discussion, I accept the practicalities of marriage and hestitently agreed to it. I told him I'd prefer to have one witness and no family involvement. My Mother stresses too much and is a faux snob and highly critical of me, everything I do is never good enough. I couldn't abide her criticism and faux snobbery during the planning and the day itself. I'm the complete opposite to my mother
My partner thinks it would cause huge repercussions were we to do this and is pushing for immediate family to attend.
I also want to keep my surname due to my professional life.
My partner is old fashioned in some ways and would, understandably prefer my taking his surname.
These differences have resulted in me refusing to contemplate marriage further. I'm aware my partner is hurt and I'm being selfish. Honestly, I'd hate every single moment of the day, worrying about my Mother's reaction to such a low key event and listening to her snide remarks.
I must come across as a difficult spoiled brat but I'm very laid back except my ideas of weddings/marriage I'm not averse to being married just the wedding part...
Has anybody else been in a similar situation and how did you navigate it?

Would your fiancé be happy to do it just the two of you, in a registry office or somewhere you like that you've eloped to?

That cuts out a lot of what you don't want; and you can celebrate with anyone when you get back - nice meal with friends or whatever - and anything your mother says will be too late

Just the two of you then in a registry office with witnesses ...even fellow Mumsnetters have been witnesses for people .

Just elope in a registry office, it doesn't need to be more than the two of you :) (plus witness). Your partner can take your name if it's so important to him that you both have the same name but he does not get to pressure you into taking his.

You're not being selfish OP. If it were just the legal implications of not being married that were bothering your partner then he should be more okay with supporting what you need to remain stress free and happy.

Thinking on the side of your husband I imagine it would put his family as well as yours nose out of joint.

My potential sister in law is like you I think ( husbands brother ) they have been engaged for ages but she hates the idea of being any sort of centre of attention we all thought they would get married when on holiday in Vegas together but alias no ( but an abroad holiday / wedding might help keep some people at bay?)

Personal experience of my wedding 60 guest son of tiny but pretty much family ( I have a large one ) is bar the vows and speech’s I wasn’t even aware people may be looking at me or I was the main event I was too busy trying to keep all the guests happy and spend time with everyone ... kind of forgot any of it was about me or my husband

I think comprise is key in any relationship, and a small Reception wedding ( takes about 10-15 mins) with a dinner out just parents and brothers / sisters ? I know your mum is a pain but do you have a sibling to keep her in line ( My mum is lovely but a bit of an odd relationship with my brother I have often pulled her aside and had a word she is out of line )

My best mates partner is same as you I know my best mate has always dreamed of a wedding and it makes her incredibly sad

I get that it’s not him too. And anxiety is a cruel master ...
Does your mum have a fear of flying because if so do it abroad still invite her then it’s her choice x

How much immediate family does he want? If it's just his parents could you ask them to be witnesses?

Just go for a family meal like normal afterwards. You don't need to be the centre of attention.

He wants immediate family, parents, siblings and our 6 nieces & nephews. He's of the opinion, it's unfair to exclude immediate family

Can you just invite them to a registry office and tell them it's a formality so not to bother dressing up then go for the meal?

Marriage is not about the day of the ceremony, it is about a commitment between two people. If being married is important to someone, then it is not about how this happens, it is about communication and coming to a shared agreement about what this means and how compromises can be made. You need to be able to talk through the whole thing, and work out what you can do to help your partner and yourself achieve your goal.

Your partner by your description has a traditional view of a wedding day, and you do not. The way you work through this to come to a solution will help both of you in becoming a closer partnership.

Your partner needs to realise that his view of family being present conflicts with your not wanting your mother involved. You need to work out if him not having his family present would cause conflict within his family. Perhaps get married with just you and your partner and random witnesses, but have a separate celebration party on a different day for family. That way you separate out the event of getting married from your having to deal with your mother. But your partner gets to enjoy celebrating with family and not causing issues?

It's not understandable for a man to prefer a woman taking his surname when she doesn't want to.

What about if the two of you did the legalities with some randoms off the street then went for a meal with family after? Something low key.

I was going to post pretty much exactly what @JacobReesClunge has said on both points.

Just go to the registrar.

It will soon be Christmas so you can get together with friends and relations then and have a joint celebration.

I think you need to be sensitive to the fact that it is disappointing for him not to have his family there, but ultimately if you would hate it there's no point.

I would either do it at a registry like others have suggested or wrap it into a holiday and do it abroad, which would broach less resentment for not inviting people as well.

What if you got married and didnt tell anyone?

Didn't civil partnership get opened up to heterosexual couples after a court case? If it's the legal side of things you want to address, you could always do that? Sounds like it's more the family side of things that's the problem. Previous posters have given some good advice. Btw I'm married and kept my name.

Sorry to bring this up but what does your partner stand to gain in the event you split up/die (sorry) if you are married?
If he stands to gain a lot more than you do in the event of a divorce/his death (sorry) could this be a reason for him being so insistent about this marriage that you arent keen on.

If I had a partner that wasnt keen I’d just stay engaged or living together or whatever. It’s not a big deal nowadays unless you are religious.

Can you just have a registry office wedding the two of you followed by a party for all. Your mum will moan whatever you do. Ignore.

I think you've compromised enough, you've said yes to one witness and keeping your name, I think it's unreasonable of him to expect more. If marriage is all he wants then the wedding shouldn't matter, and he has no say in your name.