14yo DS report card is really not good.

[SpanishFly]

I'm just not sure what to do or how to deal with it. He is so clever, but just can't be bothered working hard.

For the sake of full disclosure, he has Asperger's.

I am hoping for some advice, esp from anyone who has been in a similar situation already and found a way through it (he's my eldest, so we haven't experienced this stage of school before).

Every subject says he chats too much (OK, I did too - it's not the end of the world!). Every subject says he really isn't trying hard, and has so much more potential. Every subject says he needs told repeatedly to get tasks done. Some subjects say he has been late handing in his homework on a few occasions. Every subject also says he is lovely and great fun and gets on well with his peers etc.

He's a lovely kind boy, he's a very, very clever boy. Just so lazy. Being "popular" and funny is a priority for him, rather than "the other stuff". I do understand this, to be fair - being a teen with issues isn't a lot of fun.

We have spent 14 years struggling with him not doing as he is asked - everything gets done his way or not at all. He doesn't learn from his mistakes, so keeps repeating a lot of the same ones. So it appears that this is happening at school too. We have had chat after chat after chat about his lack of effort, we have asked/told/begged him to try harder at school and at home.
Every night we chat about what he did at school and every night I ask if he has any homework due in tomorrow. I look over his homework, and I had no idea that any of it was being handed in late until now. He doesn't write anything in his homework diary - he just won't, regardless of how many times we or a teacher ask him to.
He is struggling with maths - he is in the highest class but his test results say he is sitting at under 60% average. Maths goes over my head, so I/DH have struggled too to help him out with it. He didn't even seem to realise maths was a problem until now.

In a year he will be sitting his prelim exams. Please can someone who is thinking clearly and has had more than 4 hrs sleep help me think rationally and logically about all this - and give me some pointers as to what we do before this gets even more out of control.
I am constantly exhausted mentally and physically, and want to explode.

Mine is only 11 so I probably have all this to come.

In terms of tasks are there any adjustments the school could do, he might need them written down especially if they are giving multiple instructions at the same time, he may be still processing the first instruction whilst they are announcing the last.

In terms of homework, is he doing it but then not taking it? You need to make sure it goes in his bag.

It is hard as with my NT older one, I pretty much have to do nothing, but with him I literally need to stand over him to make sure everything happens, he is 11 and has a chart in the bathroom to make sure he attends to his personal care. We have his timetable to make sure he has what he needs.

We had parents evening last week, his form teacher was like 'oh, he's fine' no, he's fine only because we make sure he has everything in order.

I am sure lots of parents of NT children will tell me I am doing too much and he needs to learn, but he just needs a lot more time and support to do so.

He struggles with structure, some of which he resists as too constraining, and some which might be useful to him.

Go through each issue with him, one by one. On different evenings. Talk with him and navigate the conversation so he ends up coming up with the solution. ie, so let's see how you can remember what homework to do and show us that it's been done. How shall we do this?

Then hold him to every commitment.

He worries about being popular- is he popular?

It sounds like he is taking up a lot of the teachers time, and distracting his classmates. He might be popular with some equally poorly behaved children, but many other children will find it irritating and see that he is stopping other children from learning.

Have you tried explaining this through social stories? Is his ASD causing him to lack clarity on how others see his behaviour, or do you think it is more typical teen selfishness?

It sounds like the power is with him at the moment: you beg him to work, teachers ask him to follow instructions...but he is the one choosing to not comply.

I guess what it sounds like to me is that you’re getting his motivation all wrong, and that is why he isn’t behaving. If he’s motivated by popularity, for example, and having others think well of him, that’s what you should tap into- his intrinsic motivation. At the moment it sounds as if all the ways you’re trying to get him to work hard aren’t doing it for him.

What does he want to do when he leaves school? Do you talk to him about his future and how education will link to that?

CactusAndCacti he sounds so like my DS1 - many teachers really don't seem to grasp how much he struggles with his ASD, as he "appears" able and confident etc. They just seem to think he's fine. He's so not fine.

Devereux1 Thank you - that's good advice, trying to tackling one thing at a time. One issue we have is how to hold him to every commitment he makes. Removing a privilege seems to work then it all drifts again once the privilege is returned. He can't seem to make boundaries of his own unless it is for his own benefit, if that makes sense. It is utterly exhausting.

As PP - what DOES motivate him/work for him?

What does he want in the future? Can he see the very clear link between working, grades, and jobs? Has he done any work experience, as it might help him realise what he is interested in (and have external people talk to him about grades required etc).

Is he interested in things that don't require a typical education-focussed route?

What kinds of behaviour do his friends model? Often I'd be more shamed into doing homework as a teen because my friends were a bit smug about having managed to fit it in. (We were not the cool crowd, if you hadn't guessed )

Scarydinosaurs he has a large circle of friends. But he also got in with a crowd a few weeks back and ended up almost in a fight with one of them. He speaks up for himself and doesnt have a filter, and doesnt back down easily, so ended up being threatened. This group clearly didnt understand him or his quirks - and didnt want to make the effort to. That gave him a real fright to see that actually not all pals are friends. Yes, he does distract people at times, and I have no real clarity on whether that's arsey teen or ASD or both.
You're absolutely correct - the power is with him. It's all his way or no way. We're in a total rut. Each chat we have, we discuss things like why education is important, and friends and nonsense is for lunch breaks etc and not in the classroom. He always behaves as if he completely agrees and understands, yet it just doesn't affect his behaviour. After the last report card, he assures us things would change and he would put in more effort, his friends wouldn't be the priority etc. But again, nothing has actually changed. On the surface we felt that there had been a slight improvement, but not in the eyes of the school.

Oh, I forgot to say, his homework - he is doing it, but sometimes it's late - we had no idea, we thought we were on the ball with getting the homework done. I will need to delve into that one, to find out what the teachers are saying to him when it is late - eg "it's fine" through gritted teeth, or "this is not OK, and it can't happen again". If it's the former, then he won't have heard the tone of voice, and would think they literally meant that it is fine - i.e. no reason to rush the homework next time if it's fine to hand it in late.

flipperdoda the only things he is properly interested in are video gaming (which he has strict time limits of) and chatting to his friends. Nothing else really bothers him. He has been banned from gaming and electronics for weeks a while ago, and it really didnt bother him, he just took it in his stride. I waqs like you at school, and I think this is why I'm finding all this such a struggle, as I hadn;t considered a child of mine not putting in much effort.

Bearing in mind that reports tend to err on the side of ‘politeness’ if all his teachers report that he chats too much that is significant- not least on other children’s learning. A child that constantly talks when they are not meant to is disruptive, please don’t trivialise this, and please, please don’t tell him that it’s ‘not the end of the world’. Paying attention in class is the fundamental thing you need to focus on not a bonus.
Does his school have an online homework app? Could his tutor look at his diary? Is he allowed to take a picture of the board instead of writing the instructions down? It sounds like he needs a very clear structure with sanctions that are rigorously enforced. Eg: late homework = missed break or at home phone removed. Homework written down everyday for a week = a reward.

OP, I understand. At some level, he needs to experience discomfort, stress, challenge etc.

So when you set the commitment part, ask him too how he thinks would help him keep to it all. Also what removal of privilege he should get if he doesn't, but also how he will be letting himself down too. Causing more problems and difficulties. That's his self-interest you're appealing to, something that really matters to him (from what you've said). You don't have to agree of course, but he gets to hear why what he thinks is the right way to go about things might not be.

Play to his way of thinking.

Spanish the teenage years and autism are not a good mix at all! Ds is 15 and recently diagnosed. It's tough. My ds also lacks motivation but has mental health issues which are also playing a part. You are right about school and their understanding they often think things are 'fine' when they really aren't.

Sittinonthefloor I was really being a bit facetious saying it isn't the end of the world - I guess I was expecting a mumsnet backlash if I was cross about the chatting thing.
I hear ya - overall, everything isn't great at all.

It sounds really difficult. Does he have confidence in his ability? I have no experience of autism I'm afraid so it's most likely not this - but most of the kids I knew who didn't put in (much) effort it was due to either:
1 not thinking it was cool to try or (more common)
2 thinking they wouldn't do well anyway and if they didn't try then they could blame it on that

Teen years are so pressurising in terms of trying to fit in, and I can imagine that feels even harder to your son.

Another thing - although late homework isn't good (of course) and should be come down on strictly - it does happen. I was a goody two shoes intelligent kid who lived to people please and it happened. So if it's not overly common then I'd probably focus far more on the other parts of this.

Punxsutawney our specialist who ultimately diagnosed him said he is sick of people with ASD being ignored and dismissed if they aren't a carbon copy of Dustin Hoffman in Rainman

I.e. point 2 was more commonly the reason than point 1, maybe I didn't make that clear sorry

flipperdoda, I think probably elements of both, in a way. I think he doesn't think it's cool at all to look more academic than his friends, but also I think there's an element of never having needed to put in much effort until now - like his natural ability is now in line with the stage they're at, and it now seems like there will need to be a lot of effort from his part if he is to keep up. So his option is just to not bother trying as thats a bit easier.

also an element of "my parents are telling me this is what's improtant, so I'll just do the opposite" kind of thing

If you can find any of his friends who struggle in a subject he's good at, helping them might make him feel better about 'looking more academic'. Or would he consider tutoring younger kids? Depending on his attitude that might be something he enjoyed - or something that he could make a bit of cash out of (disclaimer I have no idea about whether this is something he can do at his age - I'm more thinking if you know of younger kids already - but don't do it without checking out the legalities obviously!)

I totally get the suddenly realising you have to work and not just coast on natural ability thing, too. Happened to me later on but it's a tough realisation! I'm not sure what to advise on that one. Does he have any hobbies where academics would help at all? E.g. writing for a blog/sports club newsletter, see if whoever sorts out the website for a club would have him along for a bit to show him what they do and how it helps.

Clutching at straws I'm afraid but figured I'd throw out as many ideas and maybe one would strike a chord. Don't worry if not.

also an element of "my parents are telling me this is what's improtant, so I'll just do the opposite" kind of thing

Ah, the teenage years

Spanish there seems to be a real lack of support for our autistic young people especially those at the higher end of the spectrum. I was at an ASD parents support group at the weekend and so many parents seem to have the same experiences. Ds has just been referred to camhs because of his mental health difficulties, I've been told by a couple of people that they will reject his referral because they won't see autistic children. Who does then?

Ds has just had his year 11 mocks. Barely any revision done. He's lucky he's quite bright but he won't get anywhere close to his potential. At the moment I've stepped back, he's very down and I don't think he could cope with too much pressure. I too get upset at the lack of effort, ds just doesn't seem to care.

I hope you find a way through this difficult patch. I'm sorry I don't have much advice, there is so little out there to guide parents of autistic teens. I asked the paediatrician for help at his diagnosis appointment in September to be told, there isn't any!

Sorry Spanish I was a bit harsh. What I should have said is that trying to focus in class and getting that sorted is then the basis for everything else. Could you make a list of the things you want to sort, in order eg

1. focus in class
2. complete tasks set in during lessons
3. write everything in planner
4. do homework
5. do homework on time and hand in
6. try to complete extension tasks

And tackle one or two of these at a time rather than attempting an overnight transformation. Small, measurable, achievable goals!

@SpanishFly also an element of "my parents are telling me this is what's improtant, so I'll just do the opposite" kind of thing

That's why the advice I've given here on this thread is all based on bit by bit discussion with your son, to ask him for solutions and then discuss them. He has to feel that what happens now is now inflicted upon him, but he has taken an active role in deciding the boundaries, and now has to do the actions within them, or else he pays the penalties which you have also discussed with him.

No "my parents are telling me..." at all.

Thanks all, I'll try to comment fully later, but re my last comment- when I said "my parents are telling me what's important", I was more referring to us telling him how important it is to realise our potential at school - it was in reply to a pp, it wasnt referring to us laying down the law re his general attitude xx

Can you explain how by not trying he will get moved out of his peer group, that he will then be playing catch up and lose out on things
That you have been trying to help him, but if he won't do it for himself no one can force him too, that people are not laughing with him, but at him playing the fool, while they pretend to be fools too, in reality they are quietly improving to get the results.

Thanks so much to all of you. You've restored my faith in mumsnet. I appreciate all the comments and advice and have spent the last 24 hours reading and re-reading them. 💕