Dd8 crying herself to sleep

[Lostintransfixation]

Dd is very sociable, happy and loves school and her friends. She has a group of 4 other girls all in her class that play together most breaks. Three of the girls have had sleep over birthday parties and have invited the other 3 girls but not my dd. She was gutted when she heard of the last one. The girl told the others not to say anything but she found out anyway. Today I found out that another girl in the group has also got a birthday sleepover and has done the same. And when one girl dropped out, she invited another child from another class. I really feel for my dd already. When she finds out it's happened a third time she will be devastated. There really seems to be no explanation for it. I have taken all of the girls to the theatre (on me), I've also had the mums over for an adult party with kids. (I dont have them over very often due to working and kids activities). So I am bewildered about why dd is left out. I'm not going to let her know that I'm now upset too. Why would this happen? All I hear is how lovely and bubbly she is from adults and teachers. I offered to take one of the girls to an after school activity and her mum was delighted. What's happening?

I don’t know but something similar has happened to my ds, the only conclusion I came to was the mum didn’t like my ds or me.
That’s fine, you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea.
We are still in the same social group and I’m nice to her, but she opened my eyes to her and I now hear what she says.
She talks about people a lot and is very judgmental of others. She likes to gossip.
It can be hard at times though to be civil

Poor wee thing.

I’d pick the Mum I was i was most friendly with and talk to her, tell her you’re prepared for whatever she has to say, you just want the truth about why your DD is by being excluded from the group activities

Thanks for the reply. Perhaps this is the reason. It seems strange though. Three of the other mums are a lot younger than me, although one is the same age. I am friendly with them all though and two of the mums I am very friendly with.

One of the girls is very moodly and dd calls her the leader and that she's very moody and expects to be followed. Dd isn't keen on this so sometimes she plays with other children. Maybe this is the reason. Seems strange. I have suggested to dd previously that perhaps 'the leader' is not the nicest of her friends but dd wont accept that.

Thanks BestOption. I think I'll do that. The mum I'm friendliest with did have dd over but on a separate occasion to the birthday sleepover (and only for tea). Is there something I could say that doesn't sound critical of how she handled it? Dd was upset that she was treated differently. But the mum has no idea.

A friendship group of 5 is a tricky number (like a group of 3) for stuff like this.

I must admit, I'd want to limit a sleepover at my house to 4 DC, so my DC and 3 others. It seems like your DD might just be unfortunate if she's being excluded based on numbers? I wouldn't personally go to any sort of conspiracy or deeper issue just yet. The inviting a different child from another class is harder to swallow, though.

I think the best thing to do in all these circumstances is to strengthen what you can - by continuing to invite DC to your house - and encourage DD to expand her horizons a bit as well - perhaps invite a friend from an extra-curricular activity to a sleepover with your DD instead?

It's so painful watching your precious children struggle with friendships. We always struggled with bringing other dcs to us as we work full time and juggle so much. Both DDs had friendship issues and youngest SS told me sometimes she would sit on the friendship bench alone because one of the group of her 'friends' would say they weren't allowed to play with her.
The interesting thing though is that every time I've seen one of these 'pushy bossy' kids start dictating who can play that the others only tolerate it so long. They start drifting away as each one gets turned on. Each new school year they get mixed up a bit too. DD found a lovely set of friends once they moved away from bossy. It also helps that they have tablets/ iPods etc because they FaceTime each other and play mine craft or roblox. They socialise without even organising play dates. Of course I'd love them all to be out on bikes playing etc but our reality makes that a lot harder. Be supportive and keep encouraging kindness. She'll get through this and find her place.

I've found everyone's replies helpful. Thank you

Your poor DD and poor you, that must be so hard.

As a PP said, I would imagine it’s more a case of the other girls only being allowed 3 guests and perhaps even having to reciprocate who came to theirs, or to replicate a previous experience, rather than anything against your DD. But that doesn’t make the feeling of being left out any less painful. I hope she feels better about it soon