Getting cantankerous as you age...

[Flamingolegs]

Is this a given? Or has something else changed?

I spent last weekend with my MIL, we used to spend every second/ third weekend with her but since my eldest started school it is quite rare as it is quite a long journey for the weekend.
Anyway, we used to get on really well. I would read the boards here and thank my lucky stars that my MIL was so easy to get along with in comparison.
However, this weekend it was really noticeable that she finds me (us?) annoying. Every time I said something she just had to disagree - even minor things, mainly to do with the DC. I had noticed that she has been getting more set in her ways (she is only 71) but she has become completely inflexible - her laptop had broken so DH was trying to fix it (it is basically stuffed full of every document she has ever made/ downloaded) and he said in the meantime she could use her iPad to do what she wanted to do (check her bank statement) but she got very angry and said "NO! I can't do that, I have to use the laptop!". I know the format on the app is different but she just would not have it that she could use the web browser and have the same view.
Then we got on to Christmas. We have always said that we don't want to get into a yours and mine alternate Christmas thing - mainly because our in laws do that so it would mean we would miss out on seeing one set every year. Plus we want to go away some Christmases. We decided to go to my family this year, despite going to them last year. My MiL is always invited along but she won't come as she "feels uncomfortable" (I think my family are too rowdy for her). We suggested that we spend Boxing Day and the week after with her (we had already discussed with my SIL when she and her family will be free, she can spend Christmas Day with MIL, she won't be alone, I wouldn't do that). Cue "cats bum face" - pursed lips and a scowl for the rest of the day. Sighing that she needs to cancel her food order etc. We never said we were going to spend Christmas Day at her house, she assumed. Other years we have had her stay at our house or gone to SIL's, it is rare to go to her house.
Our DC's nativity has moved date due to the school being used as a polling station, only by one day. As soon as we found out we told her (as she was planning to come down to stay for it) but she just said "I don't suppose you will want me to stay Friday night as I expect you will be busy on Saturday" - we have never said that, we have never ever put her off from coming to stay, we always tell her she has an open invitation to stay. I still don't know if she is coming, I didn't want to ask.
I find it really wearing. I haven't said anything to DH as I am not sure if I am being sensitive or whether it is just directed at me and so he is blissfully unaware.
Is this just normal older person cantankerousness or the sign of something else? Maybe I have upset her?

I might get flamed for this but I think women in particular do get more cantankerous in older age.

I've been discussing this with a few friends who have aging parents recently and we all seem to be finding the same thing - that our mothers are becoming grumpy, set-in-their-ways, judgmental, selfish.

For me, to be honest, I think its a natural response to a life of freedom. Many of these women have spent most of their adult lives caring for other people and putting their own needs last in line with everyone else ahead of them. In terms of opinions too, I think a lot of older women grew up at a time when women's opinions weren't taken seriously in public or at home. For an easy life many would just agree with the crowd (or the menfolk).

I think a lot are (consciously or unconsciously) digging in a bit and saying "Nope, this is how I want things from now and I will not compromise". I don't blame them but its frustrating.

Yes, I kind of agree. My MIL had, by all accounts, very domineering parents and she went from their home straight to marriage and living with my late FIL. He was a lovely man but made all the decisions and was with hindsight quite controlling. He died 5 years ago.
I think I need to develop some coping mechanisms. As it is, I am avoiding interacting with her (I often FaceTime with the DC but more and more I just leave them to rabbit on to her and chat less myself) and I feel horrible about it but she just sucks the joy out of my life. She is always looking for a negative nowadays, whereas she was always quite a positive, cheerful person.

Have you considered that she might be suffering from depression/anxiety? You say she used to have a positive and cheerful outlook, so this is a change from what was her usual manner. Depression in older people frequently goes unnoticed. Have you asked her (gently) why she seems to be looking for problems where she didn’t used to?

I do worry that it is something else fadedred she had grief counselling after my FIL died and I know she recommends it to her friends, maybe I just assume she would seek help? I don't think I could broach it with her, she is very bristly. Maybe I should say something to DH? I do worry he will take it as me not liking his mum.

sounds like all is not right with her
is she lonely?
is her being prickly a cover up for her feeling unhappy?

It’s a difficult thing to get the right approach, *Flamingolegs (I’m sure your legs are lovely really 😀).
Probably better coming from your DH, but maybe you could prompt with concern about her health, so as not to e misconstrued as complaining about his mother IYSWIM. “I’m worried about MIL, she seems so sad and worried about stuff at the moment, do you think she might be getting a bit depressed? I wonder if there is anything we can do to help her feel a bit happier?”

I’m not trying to alarm you but could this be an early sign of dementia. It sends alarm bells ringing for me, re the not being able to cope with changes.
But equally it could be nothing as I think you’re right that elderly people do get cantankerous. My Dm is 86 and can be cranky, and also has dementia.