What would you put on this Christmas card?

[YetAnotherNameChangerHere]

I ended a very long friendship (35 years) around 4 years ago. I won't go into all the details but I 'ghosted' her after she lost her temper with me one day and followed it up with a horrible email. She made a few attempts to contact me via text but never with an apology for how she'd behaved. There was more to it than that, mainly I felt she'd become a bit me, me , me.

However in some ways I'm regretting not forgiving her and feel maybe I was too harsh. I've had a hugely stressful couple of years- parent dying, close friend dying (who she knew too but doesn't know about their death), husband with serious health issues , and she is the one friend who knows my history and family more than anyone.
She lives an hour away so it's not likely we'd ever bump into each other, or have mutual friends.

I'm open to trying to heal the rift and thought a card at Christmas might be the way- but what to say? Would you say I should say' Thinking of you' of go as far as saying sorry and get in touch if you want to?
She may not want to, and if we resurrect it, the same fall out could happen again but I'm aware of that.

I am very unforgiving!! I personally would re read the email and be glad I had Ltb.
*left the bitch...
Raise a glass to not being a walkover anymore.
But I am a hard cow.
Oh and friendless!!

I would honestly not bother. She showed her true colours and after all the stress you’ve had do you think you’re maybe viewing the relationship through rose tinted glasses rather than thinking about the negativity it could bring to your life?

What is it that you want from her?

How will your life be different this time next year if she gets in contact?

How will it be different if she doesn't?

I think you write down a list of positive and negatives of regaining your friendship

What did you get from it before the argument?

If today you did bump into her coming round the corner in the supermarket (so you couldn't avoid each other) what would happen?

I'm going to send the card. Given it a lot of thought.
My DH was diagnosed with cancer 6 months back. He is in remission for the moment but who knows? I knew her before him and met him through her. I feel it was a mistake to cut her off so harshly- life's short- and I'd give her another chance. maybe it won't work, maybe I'll feel the same, but I feel I want to dip my toe back in.

But why would you heal the rift? She caused it and hasn’t apologised.

I think you are missing something but it isn’t her friendship as it doesn’t sound as if she treated you well. I think you are missing the dream of what the friendship should be.

If you want to reopen it, do it by standing on your own feet and with a sense of your own value. Not a Christmas card. Just a short letter now saying you were very hurt by her attack on you, and have been hoping she would apologise for it. You miss her, and would be open to rekindling the friendship if she would recognise she treated you poorly.

But don’t wrap it up in a Christmas card - that muddies the water.

@WorkingItOutAsIGo Maybe you're right . She didn't say sorry but she did send a few texts afterwards saying she was thinking of me.....

I think this won't go well. You are only wanting to heal the rift so you have more support. She'll see straight through this and it'll blow up again.

I wouldn't use a christmas card for this purpose. I would separately send her an email or letter but it is going to be hard on both sides I think given why now.

I think it's lovely that you want to get back in touch with her.

I wouldn't apologise as it doesn't sound like you were in the wrong, but a Christmas card saying thinking of you, would be lovely to catch up sometime, is basically offering that olive branch. If she gets in touch and you decide it was a mistake then you can deal with it then, but it's worth a try.

The problem with falling outs from years ago is that every one has a slightly different memory of what was said, what happened, and who should apologize to who for what. Over the years her version of what happened maybe quite different to yours.

If you really want to reconnect, and can honestly say you'll do so without needing an apology or to rake over what happened, then I'd send a very bland ' thinking of you' type message and then wait and see. Treat the relationship almost like new, so if it goes wrong you can back away without too much hurt but that opens the door to gradually getting closer again - especially given the shared history.

But if there's even part of you that still expects or needs an apology then I'd let it be. It would just be like picking an old scab!

I would apologise for the ghosting. That was a cruel way to behave towards an old friend. Even given she snapped at you and sent a rude email, she deserved an explanation and not to be ghosted.
So I'd start with an apology for that, then see if she apologises too - she was also wrong and will hopefully recognise that.

I'd send the card, you're right lifes too short. You've nothing to lose by reaching out. If she's not interested so be it, if she is...maybe you'll both regain your friendship.

I’m sorry for everything you’ve been going through OP. It really does make you reevaluate life and want to make amends.
I think it’s a lovely thought to send the card.

I wouldn’t apologise but i would definitely send the card as if you don’t, you’ll always wonder ‘what if?’.

I don't think you have to write much - the sentiment should be enough.

Just a "have a wonderful Christmas - it would be nice to catch up over a glass of wine soon, it's been too long" would do.

I did reach out to a friend earlier this year who id kind of fallen out with but not really- we'd lost touch. I sent her a message saying "hey. I hope you're doing well. I've been thinking about you recently and knew you had some struggles the last time we spoke so I hope things are looking up for you.
I don't really know why we lost touch but there are no hard feelings on my part so if you ever want to get in touch, my door is always open. Don't worry about responding if you don't want to, just wanted to check in".
And got a really nice response so maybe you could adapt that to your situation.

Actually why not put something a bit more direct like "I have always valued our friendship and hope we can overcome our bump in the road. I have lots to catch up with and would like to meet up in the new year."
What have you got to lose?